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I knew from the tension around the house that thisreassessmentwould not be pleasant, least of all for James. But he wouldn't talk to me. Not the way he used to.
He was quiet. Observing me. He thought I wouldn't notice. I pretended to be asleep when he came in at night. I knew he was waiting for me to fall asleep, avoiding me.
I lay there, my mind reeling. I wanted to say many words to him but stayed silent.
He wrapped his arm around me, and his breathing steadied. While he slept, I cried. I hid my puffy eyes from him, composing myself before going downstairs. If he noticed, he didn't say anything. So, I continued to drink my weight in alcohol and watched everyone silently.
I was sitting in my kitchen at my breakfast bar, looking out the window at the lake as the sun rose. James came in and stood silently next to me.
"Hey," he said.
His voice was a sucker punch to my heart, and tears stung my eyes as I turned to face him.
"Hey," I responded without looking at him. My curt response dripped with hatred, the hurt from all his avoidance bubbling up inside me.
"Can we talk?"
I snorted in ridicule. "Oh, now you want to talk. You’ve avoided being with me for days, and now you want to talk? Like nothing happened?” I spat out.
He stepped closer, but I backed away from him.
"Ava." He sighed and ran his hands over his face before slowly sinking down to sit across from me, trying to grab my hand, but I ripped it away from him.
"You want to talk, so talk," I demanded through gritted teeth.
"I just wanted to make sure you're okay," he replied softly.
I felt angry at him. He avoided me for days and then asked if I was okay, so nonchalant. Like the past two months meant nothing to him.
"I can't do this right now." I gritted my teeth and stormed out of the kitchen.
Enraged even further at his insensitivity, I stormed out of the kitchen and stumbled out into the cold morning air without direction until my feet led me to my boathouse. I yanked the cover off with one swift tug and threw it on the dock.
"Ava." James followed.
James grabbed my arm, pulling me around so that we were face-to-face. He held me in place as he pleaded softly, "Please don't shut me out?"
"Shut you out? Me? Shut you out? Where the fuck have you been, James? Ever since the mill, you've avoided me. You avoid talking to me. Avoid looking at me. Avoid touching me. I have waited up every night for you. But when you come in, I pretend to be asleep because I know that's the only way, you'll share a bed with me. The only way I get to feel you is to pretend to be asleep so that you'll wrap your arms around me. How fucking pathetic, right?"
I jerked my arm out of his grip, fury, and agony coursing through my veins. He was still trying to wrap me in his arms, but I pushed him away with a primal roar. "But now you want to talk? Fuck you, James. I am not a fucking plaything for you to discard. I am a fucking human being. I deserve better than this."
He gazed at me, eyes wide. His face twisted with anguish, and tears pooled in his eyes.
"You're right," he whispered brokenly.
"You're right? That's all you have to say?"
I searched his eyes for anything to make the crushing pain in my heart disappear. His gaze held mine with a tenderness that only increased the anguish rippling through me. He tenderly rubbed the back of his neck before closing his eyes tightly and sighing heavily. When he opened them again, they were full of grief as he looked at me sadly.
"I've been pulled from your case," he said gravely, his voice trembling with emotion.
"Effective immediately, I am ordered to return to New York. The whole team is pulled from the case. After the mill, my boss said the agency couldn't afford to lose anyone else for--."
He stopped his sentence abruptly, looking at me forlornly.
I knew what he meant. So many victims were left in my wake. People died defending me. I poison everyone around me. I couldn't blame his boss for worrying about further losses.
"For me," I said quietly, understanding all too well what had happened. He slowly nodded before turning away from me, and his shoulders slumped in defeat.
