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I gently stroked the top of his head, savoring the way his hair felt beneath my fingers. My hand moved slowly, smoothing down a rogue chunk of hair. I felt him stir beneath my hand, and he gradually tilted his head up to look at me.
His eyes, usually so intense and focused, now softened as they met mine. A smile spread across his face, and his eyes welled up with tears. He carefully crawled into the bed with me and pulled me close.
“Oh, thank God.” He pulled away and held my face in his hands. He planted a firm kiss on my lips and then planted kisses all over my face and neck. “I thought I’d never get this moment with you again.” His voice was full of emotion. He kissed me again, and I let him deepen the kiss this time. It was full of desperation and relief. He murmured thanks to God in between kisses, thanking the higher power for bringing me back to him.
“How long?” I managed to get out. I could see the snow outside, and I knew some time had passed since I was last awake.
“One month.” He responded with guilt in his eyes.
“One month?” I couldn’t believe how much time had passed. “Ishedead?”
“Yes. You are safe and alive. He will never be able to hurt you again.”
I closed my eyes as the weight of his words sent relief surging through my body. Tears fell from my eyes before I even understood the emotion that racked my body. The nightmare that had tormented me for a decade was finally over. He was gone. I was alive, and the man I loved was here with me, by my side.
James pulled me into his arms and held me while sobs racked my body. When I felt like I was controlling my emotions, his eyes searched my face, but no words came out of his mouth.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” I asked. I could tell he was stressed, like something weighed heavy on his mind.
“James, tell me.” I pushed.
“There’s something else I need to tell you.” He paused as he searched my face for approval to continue.
“Just tell me.” I pleaded. “Is there something wrong with me?”
“No, you’re healthy considering everything that happened. When they took blood, they found something in your lab work.”
“For fuck’s sake, James, just spit it out.”
I watched him reach into the pocket of his flannel shirt and pull out a small piece of paper. He unfolded it and stared at it briefly before handing it to me. I took it hesitantly, and my hands trembled. There was a black-and-white image with a white circular outline. Inside the black part was a small, white blob shaped like a shrimp. I shook my head, confused, trying to understand what I was looking at. “What am I—” I started; my words stopped abruptly as I questioned if I was seeing what I thought I was.
It was an ultrasound.
Ava Monroe, 29 years old. 8 weeks 3 days GA.
I looked up at James in disbelief. Tears returned to his eyes, and he smiled.
“That’s our baby. This was taken a month ago, but we are having a baby.”
“I’m pregnant?” I asked breathlessly, returning my eyes to the ultrasound. I touched the tiny circle and inhaled sharply. “Our baby?” I repeated the words. I do the math in my head and realize I am twelve weeks pregnant and in shock.
“Are you okay?” He asked, concerned.
“I am. I didn’t think I could get pregnant after everythinghedid to me...internally.I never imagined I would be twelve weeks pregnant.” My eyes pricked, my stomach tightened, and I waited to see if he was upset. But he wasn’t. His face was filled with nothing but pure happiness. This precious gift in front of me made me happier than I had ever been in my life.
“Wait, are you okay with this?” I asked in a panic.
He grabbed my hands, kissed my fingers, and then placed his hand on my stomach gently. Pressing his lips to mine, he whispered against my lips. “I never thought I would be a dad. I didn’t think anything like this would happen to me. But then I met you. You completely changed my world for the better, Ava. Not only am I in love with the most beautiful, wild, strong girl in the whole world, but you are giving me the greatest gift I have ever received. I will spend the rest of my life loving you and our baby Ava. I will protect both of you with my life. I am so in love with you.”
I closed my eyes and let his words wash over me, taking root in my soul. The darkness that had infected my soul for so many years was now being driven away by the light of the love he gave me. And the love I had for the tiny soul growing inside me. I never thought I would ever find someone to see the darkness that infected me and choose to love me anyway. He was patient, kind, and compassionate, and he protected my body and soul.
I held the photo of our baby while nurses and doctors came in to do their assessments. It didn’t feel real. When the doctor offered to do an ultrasound, I couldn’t contain my excitement. The doctor squeezes the cold gel on my exposed belly as I lay on the ultrasound table. She moves the wand around, pressing it firmly against my tiny swollen abdomen. I watched as the ultrasound picture came to life. She pointed out my uterus and the amniotic sac inside with a now gummy bear-shaped baby. James held my hand, letting his fingers softly calm my nerves. The soft thump of the baby's heart rate made my heart race. The image on the screen is blurry at first, but then it comes into focus. And there, in black and white, I see my baby. Our baby. My eyes well up with tears as I make out the little head, the curve of the spine, and the tiny fluttering heartbeat. This is a miracle that I never imagined I would dream about. My worry melts away as I think about this precious life I am carrying and that I already love so much.
The doctor points out the tiny hand with little fingers outstretched. She shows me the forming nose and lips, and I am filled with utter joy at the thought of kissing that perfect little face someday soon. This little being, no bigger than a plum right now, will be in my arms in just a few short months, relying on me for everything. This profound moment is powerful, and I am so full of love and happiness that I can feel it bursting out of me.
I tear my eyes away from the screen to look at James, grasping his hand tightly and meeting his gaze. He looks at me with pure admiration and love like I have never seen. The love I see on his face mirrors the love I feel swelling within me. I turn back to the screen, memorizing every detail of this first glimpse of our baby.
“It looks like the baby's heart rate is 150 beats and is strong. The amniotic sac is intact, and your baby is meeting the gestational age in growth. You are twelve weeks and three days currently.”
