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“No, of course not.” She glances up at me. “You?”
I shake my head. “What’s to regret?”
She means too much to me, even now, for it to just be a one-time thing. But the fact is, I definitely don’t know what she wants.
We don’t even live in the same state.
I’m sure we’ll get to the bottom of what we’re going to do with all of this.
“Thank you for being here, especially during this time with my Dad,” she says.
I smile. “It’s all right. Discounting the pool house, I didn’t do all that much.”
“You did plenty,” she says, squeezing my hand. And I know she means partly the sex… but that’s not all she’s talking about.
And it feels cold letting her go. As soon as I’m not touching her, it creeps in. It’s like somebody put out the lights, or turned off the electricity or something.
I really do need to get a grip.
“See you later.” I nod. I plan on it being very soon if she’ll let me.
“Goodnight, Taylor.” She walks back to the house while I head to my car.
It’s only under the hot steam of the shower when I get home that I realize my left side is throbbing from the beating the other night. Pumping Emmerson into next week seemed to have temporarily masked the pain.
I will go over the game tonight after dinner with my dad. I always watch the replays.
It’s good to know where we were lagging in the last game.
That brings me back to Emmerson again, I can’t stop thinking about her and the epic sexathon we just had in the pool house. I also love the fact she spurred me on at the last game without her even knowing it. I fucking hope she can stay for the finals.
I need to seriously consider if this is something I’m going to pursue.
I didn’t know things could be like this again. I never thought I’d let myself go there.
Things were pretty good back then, but could it be even better now we’re older and have all the other shit out of our systems?
One thing is for sure, I’m not thinking about any other girls.
Being with her was like coming home. It felt right. And I never knew that seeing her again could feel this good. I had it quite in my sights to just put it behind me and be as nice to her on the surface as I possibly could. It was never an option for me to feel anything for her again.
I felt closed and guarded whenever I thought about her.
I was bitter.
Now learning the fact she never wanted to break up with me, and unfortunately outside influences got into her head, it kinda changes things. It was almost like she did it out of the kindness of her heart, and in some ways, that took a lot more guts than what I had. I wanted to keep believing that nothing would change.
Inevitably, it would have changed.
We don’t know for sure how it would have gone, but maybe we would have become something else entirely, maybe not even in a good way.
Maybe my mom did have the right intentions deep down, but she just went the wrong way about them.
I can’t hold shit against either of them forever. The only two women I’ve ever loved.
And I love Emmerson. I fucking love her, and a bigger part of me than I want to admit wants her back. I want to love her again. I just don’t know how to be completely unguarded around her.
Would I always be wondering if she was going to leave again?
