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Just walking from the bed to the dining room back at home made me lightheaded and trembly. In my defense, it was a big house. And that waswithmy meds. Since I left with Marc, my whole existence was thrown upside down. If I remembered, or even got a few private moments to take the pills, I was lucky. Was the excitement of life outside my comfort zone enough to keep me awake longer than I believed possible?
Picking myself off the floor, I took a few trying steps and was surprised to find the worst of the light-headedness gone. How long had I been out? What was the time? I found my purse on the floor by the door, snatched it up, and fumbled through it. Phone in hand, I stared at the date, rather than the time. Did I sleep for more than twelve hours? It explained how stiff I was. How every muscle in my body screamed in protest as I moved.
Casting a look at the window to confirm the daylight shining through, a bolt of fear gripped my spine. The sun had been up when we first came here. It was again rising, peeking above the treetops in a soft yellow glow that should have been beautiful, hadn’t I been filled with enough dread not to care.
I lost too much time. It was a wonder I woke up at all. My hands trembled as I dug through the purse again, and I had to remind myself to breathe. To stay calm.
I found the box, snatched it up and emptied yesterday’s pills into my mouth. Forcing myself to swallow without water made me gag, and my eyes watered from the choking feeling. An overload of fear combined with momentarily having my breath cut off dropped me to the floor. Falling forward on my palms, I held myself up and tried to swallow while tears ran down my cheeks. The pills went down, and I collapsed, curling into a ball as sobs shook my body.
Exhaustion. Relief. Regret…
So many feelings and nothing to do with them. I got to see what was beyond the walls of the estate. What a life could be like if I’d been normal. Not knowing what I missed made me accept my situation. Nothing changed after all. I was still me. My father was still my father. And I had all the comfort and luxury I needed. Did it matter it was lonely? Or boring. That I watched movies and read books and imagined I was the main character out in the real world doing all the real stuff and having all the adventures and romance. I accepted I’d never have any of those things and learned to live with it. What choice did I have?
I was that character now. And the things she had to survive was crazier than anything I ever imagined. I should be scared out of my mind. And I was, but not for the reasons I imagined. I was not scared that the turmoil would be the death of me. I long ago grew numb to the thought. What I feared was how much it made me want to live.
One sample of what life could offer changed everything. I didn’t want to go back to being a locked up little princess. I saw life through someone else’s eyes and dreamt of what it was like. I knew now. I felt it. The terrifying excitement of not knowing was going to happen. The thrill of driving too fast. The exquisite pleasure of being intimate with another person. Being touched and touching.
My heart skipped a beat by the mere thought of Marc’s taught muscles under my fingers. I never knew touching him could feel so good and so deep. I didn’t just feel him on my skin, I felt him with my whole being. Every cell of my body came alive when I was with him. If I could have that, one more time, it was worth dying for.
I slept for two fucking days. What Kaylie did to entertain herself, I never knew, but as I opened my eyes, she was there. Curled up in an armchair overlooking the couch. She seemed to be asleep as well. Her black hair hung over the armrest, covering her face as she rested her head against it.
Pushing myself to sit, I bit back a groan as the pain in the arm flared up anew. Fucking great. I couldn’t even move it without wanting to scream or punch something. And we were two days delayed. Driving was going to be a bitch with one arm out of use, but I’d be damned if I let that stop me.
“Hey,” Kaylie whispered. “How are you feeling?” She swung her legs to the floor and made it over to the couch. She stood, hesitating at my side in the soft glow of the ceiling lamp. “Do you need anything?”
Biting back the curses I was dying to shout, I sat, fisting the cushion to channel the fucking pain that refused to leave me alone. “My bag.”
Kaylie scanned the room, shuffling over to the door, and snatched up the bag and handed it to me. Dumping everything in my lap, I found what I searched for. A small white box. I turned it over a few times with a frown. It had no label, not even a fucking name to clue me in what was in it. I shook the box, and the tablets rattled inside.
“Where did you get those?” Kaylie asked.
“It’s Johnny’s.”
A vague memory surfaced.Me snatching them from him. Me screaming at him and cursing his stupidity. “Wanna be fucking high? Wanna be kicked off the set—again?” Me tossing the box into the car.
That would do.
“Why—” her words broke into a gasp as I opened the lid and popped one white pill into my hand. “I don’t think it’s safe to take someone else’s—” she grimaced. “Don’t. You don’t even know what they are.”
Fuck it. I needed to function, and I couldn’t do it like this. I gulped it down while ignoring her shocked face.
Knowing Johnny, it was either some sort of benzos or pain killers. Probably the latter, and probably strong ones—and possibly non-legal since I had taken them off him. But really, anything that took the edge of the goddamn ache would do.
“At least have some water,” Kaylie muttered.
She came back a few minutes later, carrying a glass of water and the first aid kit.
“I need to redress the wound,” she stated.
I gulped the water down, then leaned back as she came closer. I should have closed my eyes or looked away, but I couldn’t. She was too damn pretty, and a damn good distraction as her gentle fingers removed the bloodied band aids.
The alcohol burned like fire as she swabbed my bruised skin, and I tried not to wince.
“Sorry,” she paused, fingers against my skin. “I have to clean—”
“Do it,” I hissed. The faster she got it over with, the better.
She lingered at my side after putting the kit away. Touching the tape, she rubbed it a few times, making sure it stayed in place. When I expected her to move away, to keep her fingers to herself, she let them slide down my arm. She moved slow, as if taking her goddamn time to explore every inch. Muscles flexed under her touch, my breath hitching from the sudden desire overpowering the pain. Who knewshewas the fucking painkiller? Her butterfly touches had my heart race and images of her trapped under me take form in my mind. It took a great deal of willpower to sit still when all I wanted was to grab her. Fuck pain. Fuck rules. We were alone in the middle of nowhere. Who would know? Who could care?
