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Kaylie tensed beside me, as if she was bracing for what I was about to say.
“She held on for so long. Fighting for her life. For our baby’s.” My voice was just a whisper, but it was all I could do. “She didn’t make it—” My voice cracked, and Kaylie scrambled to take my hand.
“The baby?” she whispered, and I shook my head. A small gesture, packed with so much pain.
“I have no words,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry you had to go through this.”
I lifted my gaze, meeting hers. “I couldn’t protect her.” I couldn’t even hold her hand as she drew her last breath in that cold, white hospital room. I was too fucking afraid.
“It’s not your fault.” She squeezed my hand, bringing it up to kiss it. “It’snotyour fault.”
I clenched my jaw, looking away before her comfort broke me. I’d fucking cry if she kept looking at me like that.
“They got her out,” I whispered, not understanding why I told her this. Did I insist on torturing myself this much? Did I deserve it?Maybe. Whatever reason I had for talking when I didn’t have to, I realized it felt… good. The pain ripped through me, and I fucking needed it.
“The baby?”
I managed a weak nod. “It was too late for Julie. But the baby…” I squeezed her hand right back, needing something to hold on to. “She lived. Her tiny little face. I got to see her. I wish I… I wish I didn’t.”
Kaylie stared at me, lost for words. But I didn’t need them. Nothing she could say could make this better. It was still fresh, cutting just as deep now as it did then. It never fucking healed.
“I killed him,” I said. “Spent months tracking him down, and I fucking killed him. Point blank in the head.”
She gaped at me as realization hit.
“I was never convicted. But someone knew the truth. Your fucking father knew. That’s why I had to take the job.” I let out a sharp laugh, locking my gaze at her. “I don’t regret it.” My voice hardened, so did the tight smile on my lips. “I only regret not finding the son of a bitch sooner.”
She blinked at me, adjusting to the sudden anger overruling the grief. I held her gaze. “I’m not a good man, Kaylie.”
A soft gasp slipped past her lips, but before she could speak, I went on. “Now you know why I didn’t let you in.”
“No,” she said. “That’s not the real reason, is it?” She held my gaze, challenging me to face the truth. “It’s not about me not accepting you for who you are and what you’ve done.” She reached out, placing a hand on my cheek. “It’s the opposite.” She shifted closer, cupping my face, and held me as I tried to look away. “You’re afraid that I will. I get it. I finally get it.”
“Kaylie,” I rasped. “You don’t—”
“I do.” She gave me a sad smile. “It’s okay to be scared. After what you went through, letting someone new in must be—”
“I’m not fucking scared.” I tore my face free from her grip, looking away as new waves of emotion raged inside. She was right. I was terrified. Of what I felt. Of opening up to her. Of losing her. My eyes drifted back to her, and something in me broke. I couldn’t lose her. I just couldn’t. Not even if pushing her away spared me another heartbreak down the road. She was the fucking air I breathed. I couldn’t live without her now.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I muttered. “I’m fucking terrified, but I don’t give a damn. I’m all in if you are.”
She was in my arms before I could blink. After a moment of hesitation, of throwing safety to the wind and cracking my heart wide open, I hugged her back.
Nightmares haunted me. Hazy images of men with guns and blood pouring over skin. When the faceless people morphed into myself facing down the barrel, I screamed. I bolted upright, gasping for air in the dark.
A light flicked on, bathing the room in a soft orange glow, then a hand landed on my back, and I nearly screamed for real.
“It’s me.” Marc’s voice reached into my mind, slowly bringing me out of the lingering dream and back to the bedroom.
I collapsed back onto the bed, rolling over to my side to face him. His steel gray gaze was locked on me, sleepy but alert, and I took the moment to just watch him, taking in the rugged beauty of this man beside me. The stubble on his jaw was darker, and somehow it only made him look hotter.
“Are you okay?”
“Just a dream,” I whispered, still trying to catch my breath and shake that uneasy feeling.
Guilt flitted across his face, making my own bad feelings bubble to life.
“No, no, no,” I reached out, laying a hand on his arm and studied him as he lay staring at the ceiling. “This was not because of you,” I said. “It was about my… father.” I lied. And it would be believable to anyone but Marc. His low scoff told me he didn’t buy it, and I sighed, burying my face into the pillow.
