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Her lips fall into a flat line, her eyes serious, making my insides roil. “He loved himself, and only ever loved himself. Let me make that clear,” she says of my ex. “And ask yourself this, when it was good, how good didyoufeel?”
I wipe under my nose, remembering the first night we spent together in our apartment. The first night in a new place as a couple living together should be exciting, celebratory and hot.
We argued.
He wanted me to do an anal scene with Chip, one of the particularly well-endowed male actors at Jizz. And I didn’t want to. In fact, I never wanted to do anal on camera. And then I tried to please him by offering anal to him.
I shake my head at the memory, almost disbelievingthatScarlett was me. I was bargaining with my body, and that’s not healthy.
“It was never really good,” I admit, voice quiet with embarrassment. “I don’t know why I stayed.”
His words wash over me.You’ll get enough money to pay for that degree you so desperately want, and we can have a baby. Then you’ll get back to work. We all win.
Except, that never took account for what I’d do with that degree if I actually earned it, but he knew he had me. Being a mother and finishing school were the juiciest, fattest carrots he could dangle, and I chased them.
“In any relationship, you risk pain. But if there’s no risk, nothing on the line to be gambled, you wouldn’t want it, would you? Because it wouldn’t make you scared. Things that are worth chasing and having, they’re scary.”
“I’m in love with him,” I admit, having known that little truth already. For some time, even. But saying it aloud makes it real, turns it into an actionable item, something he needs to know. So we can move forward, or back, if he doesn’t feel the same.
But… I think he does.
“We’ve both been broken, in different ways. And we’re both healing, and ready to move forward. I just… I want to protect us both, I guess. I’m scared that if it doesn’t work, neither one of us will make it.”
That truth fills the room with uncomfortable silence for a moment.
“You survived Pete. You can survive this too, but Scarlett, what if it’s not a survival situation? What if you thrive, and live the happiest, most fulfilled life ever? Don’t let fear drive your life. Grab the wheel.”
Grab the wheel. I want Cohen.
I want sunsets and dinners out, I want grocery shopping and fixing ripped screens. I want movie nights and trips away. I want… to be picking out a crib and changing diapers with him. I want to slide a ring off my finger for work, only to eagerly await putting it back on.
I want to make love to Cohen. I want to feel Cohen fill me with cum, I want his lips on my breasts and his fingers inside me, I want to be bent over a table for him, riding his lap, upside down off the edge of the bed with his cock in my throat.
“Grab the wheel,” I snicker, despite the fact my heart appreciates the analogy. “A little corny,” I tease.
She sees through me but lets me have the moment, smiling. “A little. But I am a vegetarian.”
I grin. I love Dr. Evans.
We finish our session by discussing Crave and how I’m still finding it to be such a great place. She asks me if I’ve still not heard from my parents and I tell her the truth—that I’ve made peace with life without them. And half an hour later, I’m sliding on my sunglasses and driving to work.
My pulse rockets at the thought of seeing him, slipping into his office, into his arms, and inhaling his soap and cologne.
I’m so in love. And we haven’t even had sex.
My phone buzzes the entire drive to Crave. I know it’s Pete because I glance down at it once or twice, just to make sure it’s not Cohen or Aug. When I pull into the parking lot, I sit in my car and play through the ten voicemails he’s left… just today.
Listen you little fucking cunt. I own your ass. Your contract may have been up but—
Scarlett, why do you test me like this?
You fuck—
I skip through the rest and delete them all, acutely aware that there is no uncomfortable twitch in my belly, no spike of my nerves, no sweaty palms.
His grip on me is gone. Now if only he’d let go.
Entering the building, it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to the low light. Cool air filters between my legs and arms, and I know an intense scene must’ve just wrapped. Aug blasts the AC after the spotlights have been on, because they’re hot as hell and we’d be too sweaty without the thermostat set to 65.
