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As long as I don’t fuck it up…
Which means I have to tell Macy the one thing I’ve never wanted to confess to the only woman I’ve ever loved, the secret that made a cowardly part of me a little relieved that I’d never see her again.
Macy’s a forgiving person, but can she forgive this?
I roll the question over in my mind as we eat our simple but strangely delicious supper and wash it down with bottled water.
Finally, I decide I have no idea how she’ll take the news, but that I owe her the truth. Now. Before we get in any deeper, before we retreat to that big bed upstairs, before she trusts me with a heart that she has no idea I betrayed.
So, when we’re finished, I pull in a breath, set my now-empty water bottle down and say, “There’s something I have to tell you, Mace. Something you’re not going to like.”
And then she does something I never expected.
She smiles and asks, “You mean about you having sex with Greta two weeks after I left?”
My jaw drops, staying glued to floor as she adds, “I’ve known for years. She told me herself. Just a few days after it happened.”
ChapterSix
MACY
Theo’s gone so pale that his dark eyebrows stand out against his skin like charcoal slashes on a fresh sheet of drawing paper. It would almost be funny if it weren’t obvious that he’s truly upset.
I set the last of my uneaten trail mix bar to one side and thread my fingers together in my lap, giving him my full attention as I say, “It’s okay. It’s not a big deal, I promise.”
His brows draw together now, forming a vertical line in the center of his forehead. “It’s not a big deal that I slept with your best friend two weeks after you left town? When I didn’t know if you were coming back or if it was really over between us or if there might still be some chance of making it work?”
I shake my head. “Greta wasn’t my best friend, you were.” His eyes widen as if to say “like that makes it any better?” and I amend, “But yes, we were close. Close enough that she remembered I said I was headed to Arches National Park first and tracked me down at a campground there.” My lips twist. “She told the guy at the main office it was a family emergency, and he brought his cell to my van door at almost midnight. After I got off the phone with Greta, I lied and told him my aunt was in the hospital. I was too embarrassed to tell him that my friend slept with my ex and was having a meltdown about it.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it,” Theo says. “I shouldn’t have even thought about it. But I was so sad, and Greta was sad, and we were hanging out at her place drinking rum and Coke while her parents were out of town and it just…happened. But it was awful. And we both felt terrible afterwards. We barely looked at each other again the rest of the summer and once she left for college, she never came back.”
I wince. “Really?”
“Really. Not even for Thanksgiving or holiday break.”
I curse. “I hate that for her. I told her it was okay the night we talked, and I meant it. If I’d known she was still messed up about it, I would have reached out to her again. I was weird about talking to Bad Dog people on the phone back then, but I could have written a postcard or an email or something.”
Theo studies me for a long beat, clearly confused, before he asks, “Why?”
“Why was it okay?” I ask, pushing on when he gives a tight nod. “Well, I mean, I wasn’t thrilled about it. You were my first love, my first kiss, my first…everything like that.” I shrug. “But I was the one who left, Theo. Without saying goodbye or honoring your wishes or even leaving a note telling you how much you meant to me.”
“And you blocked my calls,” he says softly.
“Yeah, I did. So, really, there was no reason for you to think I was coming back. Or that it wasn’t completely over. You were free to do whatever you wanted with other girls, including Greta. And I don’t know, I guess…” I trail off, trying to find the perfect words to ease his mind. “I guess, deep down, I knew it hadn’t been malicious. You were both my friends and some of the best people I knew. My gut said it wasn’t really about me. At least, not in a mean way. It was about me because I’d run away, and you were both sad and hurt about it.”
“And worried,” Theo adds softly. “I couldn’t sleep for weeks. I kept imagining you broken down on the side of the road in that shitty van with no one to help you. Or getting attacked on a trail while you were all alone.”
“I always carry bear spray,” I remind him.
“I wasn’t worried about bears,” he counters. “Women on trails are in more danger from men on trails and you know it.”
“Valid,” I say, thinking of my friends who’ve had some close calls with creepy hiker jerks. “Thereweretimes when things were scary. Times when I knew the only reason something terrible hadn’t happened to me was because I’d gotten lucky.” I pause for a beat, but I owe him the rest of the words in my heart. “But I never even thought about coming back, Theo. You were right to move on, whether it was two weeks after I’d left, or two years. It didn’t matter.”
“And you really don’t care that it was Greta?”
Throat tight, I nod. “I’m probably a weirdo, but I was actually glad. Sure, it hurt to think of you with someone else, but I knew Greta was a great person and…” I swallow, forcing the rest out in a raspy voice, “I knew if you two fell for each other that she’d love you the way I wanted you to be loved. With every piece of her heart.”
His eyes begin to shine, making it even harder to hold back the tears making the back of my nose burn. “I wanted the same for you. I never wanted you to be lonely.”
