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I want to continue to be that source of security and happiness for you. But you have to give me a chance. Please give me the opportunity to explain. When I told you I love you, I meant it. No one has ever made me feel the way I do when I’m with you. And no one ever will. Love like this only comes around once in a lifetime and I am going to love you forever, whether we are together or apart. You have this picture of me in your mind right now, that I’m trouble. And maybe my life is a little chaotic, but I need you to see that loving me is worth it.
This letter is my last hope of trying to reach your heart. I need you to know that I want to do everything we talked about. I want to meet your family, see where you grew up, show you where I was raised. I told you that we are going to travel to a romantic island, do yoga on a mountaintop, and lay in bed all day and watch movies. I believe we can still do this.
I’m enclosing the final lyrics to the song I wrote about you one day when we were together on the bus. The music will be the guitar parts I played for you. I recorded it at a local studio on tour. I miss you on the road with me. I want you—us—back.
You make me a better person. I hope when you read these lyrics you’ll see how much you mean to me. I am selfishly pleading with you to stand by my side as I work through this. You are the partner I want for whatever life throws our way. Please. Call me.
If you choose to ignore me, just know that you changed my life and a piece of my heart is always beating alongside yours. I love you more than words and am sending you three hand squeezes.
Love,
Jax
I’m a blubbering mess by the time I finish reading the letter. He really got me at the end when he mentioned our three hand squeezes. Jax knows how much our secret hand signal means to me. I can’t deny that I love Jax and I want a life with him. I wish with all my heart that things would have turned out differently for us, but he has caused me deep grief. I can’t let that happen ever again, so I can’t respond to Jax. This needs to be a clean break.
I should clear my mind and get some fresh air. That will help. I fold the letter and grab my sneakers. “Hope! Let’s go for a walk,” I yell to my girl who is curled in a ball on the couch.
As Hope and I walk along the lake, I recycle Jax’s letter in my mind. I can picture his voice speaking to me. I miss his voice. I miss his soft and tender touch. I miss my life with him. I want us back, too. It’s all so much, I don’t know what to do. But I can do one thing: I sit down at a picnic table and cry. Thankfully no one is around.
“Cailin?” a voice calls out to me. I know that voice. It’s Ethan. The last person in the world I want to see me crying right now. I wipe my face.
“Ethan, I’m not really in the mood for company right now.”
“I noticed you look upset. Anything I can do to help you? Is it that jerk Jax? I read the headlines. And I know you were involved with him. I saw it on your social posts.” Ethan seems more satisfied in calling Jax names than worrying if I’m actually all right.
“I prefer not to talk about this, if you don’t mind.”
Ethan sits down next to me. “I care about you, Cailin. I always have and I don’t like to see you upset.”
“Then you should just get up and walk away like I’m asking you. Because right now my world has been turned upside down and I’m devastated that I had everything I ever wanted and then it got ripped out from under me.”
Ethan goes against my wishes and wraps his arms around me. I want to push him away because he’s not Jax and I’m still mad at him for what happened before I left for tour. But at the same time, I’m in need of comfort and he’s been that for me before. So, in a stream of muddled thoughts, I lean in and accept his offer to hold me. We remain that way for a while, in silence, except for my sniffles between tears.
I don’t have feelings for Ethan. On the outside of my heart hangs a No Vacancy sign because there’s no room to love anyone other than Jax. My heart has lost more than the Rose family on the first episode of Schitt’s Creek. If I can’t have Jax, it doesn’t matter who I’m with because none of them will be him. I’ll never have a love like I had with Jax. Ever again.
Some people don’t ever get to experience love, let alone the level of soul-blending Jax and I shared. I should be grateful for the gift. I had a moment of living in a fantasy and now I’ve crashed back down to the mundane. Maybe I should just accept it and move on with someone like Ethan, whose whole world would revolve around me.
Ethan always wanted me, that’s why he was so protective. We were given a second chance and I dismissed it. Maybe the third time is the charm and I just need to spend more quality time with him so my feelings can grow. I know this goes against everything on my post-divorce bucket list and any new goals I have been chasing for myself. I know. I know. But against my better judgment and self-talk, I feel like I have nothing left to lose.
Ethan pats my hair and I lift my head, wondering if I should kiss him right now. One kiss and I would remove Jax as an option in my life. Not like he’s an option anymore, anyway. As I inch closer to Ethan’s mouth, I tell myself that all I have to do is…
“Cailin.” Ethan’s voice stops me in my tracks. “Did you really love him? Honestly? In that short amount of time?”
I sit up, pulling myself out of my moment of weakness. I feel like I just made a serious mistake letting Ethan console me. Even worse, through my hysteria, I almost kissed him.
“Yes, I loved him. Time doesn’t mean anything. You can spend years with someone and not have the meaningful connection or conversations that Jax and I had. And now it’s gone.”
Yet, I still feel like I just cheated on him.The pit of my stomach turns.
Ethan is silent for a while. As we sit next to each other, I wonder why he doesn’t get up and leave. Until finally he says, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hate to see you in such pain. Know that I’m here if you need me. My door is open anytime.”
I don’t reply as Ethan walks away. Did he not see that I was going in for a kiss? This is what he wanted. And instead of taking advantage of me, he just left me. Did he finally get the hint from earlier in our conversation? I was rejected by someone I don’t even want. My brain hurts and I can’t think about what happened with Ethan while I am still in shambles over Jax. I go back to wallowing alone and lay my head on the table, careful not to hurt my face on the splintering wood.
There’s only one problem with that plan. I can’t wallow alone because one minute later, Ethan comes back. I have no strength to lift my head and instead opt to look at him with one eye open and the other shut closed against my arm, along with the rest of the right side of my face.
As he stands in front of me, Ethan says, “I just want you to know that you’re crying over this guy, but you can do better. With me. Someone who has a stable life and doesn’t have a job that puts your life at risk.” Ethan begins to walk onto the dock.
I stand up and follow him. “Jax never put my life at risk, Ethan. He’s a pop star. Sure, his fans might be a little overzealous at times, but they’re hardly dangerous.”
