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“Thanks, butIthinkI’llbe okay.Ionly have a carry-on, too.”
Jacksonraises an eyebrow and looks at the tornado of shoes, dresses, skirts and t-shirts haphazardly arranged around the room. “Yousure about that?Howdid it even get like this?”
Ilook around the room and see the mess with his eyes. “It’sstill in theit’s going to get worse before it gets betterstage.Andit was a combination of making it look likeIwas staying in here the whole time and getting ready for the carnival.”
“Abouthow far are we from theit gets betterstage?”
“Close-ish?Whattime is the flight?”
“Theplane’ll be ready in an hour.Mypilot’s taking a helicopter back fromVancouver.Wecan leave whenever you’re ready.There’sno rush though.”Jacksonstares at me for a minute. “Look,I’msorry about this.Iknow we were supposed to stick around here for a while longer.”
“It’sfine.Thisis what we were doing this all for in the first place, right?Yougot the job.It’samazing.You’regoing to be a superhero.I’mthrilled for you.You’regetting everything you worked so hard for.”
“Iguess.”Jacksonlets out a sigh. “It’snot howIwanted this morning to go.”
It’snot howIwanted any of this to go. “It’sfine.Thepancakes are delicious.”
MaybeifIjust say everything is fine often enough, then somehow it will be?
Weboth eat our pancakes in silence.It’snot an awkward or uncomfortable silence exactly, but there’s a distance between us that wasn’t there this time yesterday.
Ionly wishIknew if the distance was caused by what happened last night or the fact thatJacksoncan finally get rid of me now?Thereare still three weeks left on the contract, but we don’t need to go through with that anymore.
Hegot the role.Thatwas the whole reason we did this.Noneof this was real.Lastnight wasn’t real.Iknew that going in.Andit’s not fair to place the blame for howIfeel now on anyone other than myself.I’ma grown woman.Andspending the night withJacksonwas the decisionImade last night, and it’s the same decisionIwould make a hundred times over.Ifit hurts now, then that’s on me.
Jacksonstands up when he’s done his breakfast. “Okay, if you don’t need my help, thenIguessI’llgo back down and spend some time with my dad before we head out.There’sno rush.Wecan leave whenever you’re ready.”
“Okay.Bye,Jackson.”Thisis only the first timeI’msaying goodbye to him.Itwon’t be the last.Thenext time will be forever.
WhenI’mfinally all packed up,Icarry my suitcase and bags downstairs to the porch.I’vedefinitely accumulated more stuff since we’ve been here, soIhave some loose bags of stuff.Butthat won’t be a problem onJackson’sprivate plane.
Idon’t know where everyone is.Thetrucks that are normally lined up in front of the porch aren’t there.Idon’t know ifI’msupposed to go findJackson, butIdon’t know how to andIdon’t want to interrupt his time with his family.
Gently,Isit down on the old porch swing one last time.Itcreaks as it sways just this way and just that.There’ssomething about this place that makes me want to can beets and make preserves.Feedthe flock of chickens every morning like a cartoon princess.Maybeit’s catty, butIdon’t think any of the models thatJacksonusually dates—dates for real—want to be in the middle of nowhere making jam.Buthopefully one day someone will, and they can give this place the woman’s touch it’s missing.
Myrelationship withJacksonis fake.Itwas always fake.Itwas always going to end.So, there’s no point dragging it out or being dramatic.Itwas an agreement with a contract and a cheque at the finish line.Nothingmore, and nothing less.
I’msadder thanIhave any right to be thinking about leaving this place.Ibarely spent enough time here to knowWesternSpringsenough to miss it, butIhave a feeling thatI’mgoing to be missing it for a very long time.
chapterfifty-four
jackson
Theguilt eats at me like it always does whenIleave this place.WhenIleave my family.
“So,Iknow this is kind of sudden.ButSelenaandIneed to get back toL.A. today.Ijust found out thatIgot this big role thatI’vebeen working towards.AndIneed to get back to the city to do some work stuff.”
“Congratulations, son.I’mglad you got what you wanted.”Mydad claps me on the shoulder.Iknow he really is proud of me.ButIalso know living in another country isn’t what he or my mom would have chosen for me.
“Sorryabout this.Butwe need to fly outnow.Canyou tell everyone elseIsaid goodbye?Ipromise we’ll be back soon.”
“I’mgoing to hold you to that, son,” my dad says, his voice gruff.
Thenhe reaches for me and wraps his arms tightly around my chest.I’vegot a few inches and at least twenty-five pounds on him now.Mydad’s always been larger than life and invincible.Seeinghim in a hospital bed was a wake-up call.Ican’t hide out inL.A. for my career when my family needs me at home.
Jarretwalks over, his eyes narrowed. “You’releaving again?”
“Sorry, man.I’vegot some work shit to do back inL.A.We’llbe back soon.Justremember, you’re not actually the big brother whileI’mgone.”
