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“You can’t protect someone from themselves, Thor.”
“No, kitten, I can’t. But I can protect them from me.” A huge sigh makes my body sag. “I thought I’d make a good father someday, be a better father to a child, or children than my father was to me. Be a better partner to someone than my father was to my mom.”
At that, she bolts upright. “You’re going to be a great father to Matthew, Thor. You already are. You stepped up when he had no one.”
As nice as her words are, as comforting as it feels to have them sink into my chest, I struggle to believe her. “It feels like the goal posts are constantly moving with Matty. That day at the zoo, it was a bad day on the back of a few good days in a row. Looking back I realize I’d found myself hoping that we’d found a new routine, a new normal, we’d found level ground.”
She climbs into my lap, resting her head on my shoulder. “You can’tfixautism, Thor.”
“I don’t want to fix him, I don’t want to fix autism, but I want to make his life easier, I want to take away the hard days so he only has good days. I thought we’d figured it out.” And it needs to be okay that we haven’t, that we may never.
“Without the bad days we don’t appreciate the good. That goes for all of us, not just Matthew. We can’t only have good days. Life would be boring.”
“It’s so hard to watch him bang his head off something, or rock back and forth for hours like he’s in physical pain. I’d take it from him in an instant if I could.”
She stares up at me, tears glistening in her eyes. “How can you question whether or not you’re a good father, Thor? Listen to you. You’d walk through fire for that little boy, and some days it probably feels like you do. He knows you love him.”
“Does he?” Hating myself for the quiver in my voice, I shake my head. “We barely know each other. Does he miss his mother? Would he go back to her and never want to see me again if she showed up?”
“I don’t know the answer to those questions. But I’ve seen you with him, I’ve seen you learn and grow and love. As a parent that’s all you can do.” Her face is serious. I love how her nose wrinkles and her freckles stand out when she frowns.
“I shouldn’t have made that comment about your experience with children. It was low as fuck and totally out of line. You’re so good with Matty too you know. I know you’re still unsure about your ability to be around kids, but you shouldn’t be.”
She nods. “I’m starting to figure out that a lot of things I believed about myself and my inability to be left alone with children stem from other people feeding my insecurities. It also helps that Matthew is a pretty amazing kid.”
She has no fucking clue how strong she is. Or perhaps shehadno fucking clue how strong she is. There’s a flicker of something in her eyes I haven’t seen before.
“I made the mistake with the neighbor’s kid. I did. I got distracted and took my eyes off him for a hot minute. But I also acted quickly and saved him, too. The more parents I talk to in the park, the more I realize that kids are unpredictable creatures, accidents happen... while I don’t forgive myself for what I did yet, I’m trying to show myself more grace about the whole thing.”
Pride swells in my chest as I tuck her closer to me. “You’re right. You know that, but in case you need validation, you’re right.” I kiss her temple. “I know we’re not out the other side of this, and we’re probably going to have many more discussions about our self-beliefs, but while you’re feeling strong and confident, I wanted to suggest something to you that I’ve been thinking about.”
She tenses in my arms, but doesn’t react otherwise.
“Your clothing line.”
“What about it?” Her eyes narrow.
“I think you should make your sketches come to life from those pages.”
She stares off into the distance, apparently the bay window is suddenly super interesting. “I was thinking about it. I have a little money now, thanks to you.” Her cheeks turn pink. “But I don’t think it’s enough yet to establish a small business.”
“Then let me invest in your company. Let me help you get your dream off the ground.”
“You don’t need to do that. I know you feel guilty but—”
Covering her mouth with my finger, a tingle of smugness starts in my gut. I knew she’d jump to believing I only want to help her because I fucked up, but little does she know this has been on my mind since it first came up. Luckily for me, I have an email chain to prove this isn’t an unplanned reaction, it’s not some grand gesture to make up for the fact I messed up in the bedroom.
“I wrote to my accountant weeks ago, kitten. I’ve been talking to him about my finances, I’ve done a little research into how much something like this would cost. And I’ve also brought it up with Archer, he does marketing and PR for Protocol.”
Her mouth hangs open like she’s catching flies.
“He’s talking about doing a Sub Club line of merch for the club too. I may have let it slip that you and your friends call yourselves the Sub Club.”
She groans, but she’s smirking. “You didn’t.”
“I did, I’m sorry. But he’s taking the idea and running with it. As long as you ladies are okay with the idea of course. I figured you may have some ideas for those designs too.”
She fixes her stare onto a picture of Mom and me on the wall, falling quiet for a couple minutes. “Comfort items would be a great place to start. Oversized shirts, hoodies, boy shorts, even branded stuffies and blankets.” Her eyes light up as she talks. “He’s really expanding the club into merchandise?”
