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I glared at Marge. “Not my chastity. Me!I’mruined. I’m ... needy. Dependent. I’m ... a domesticated house cat. A caged cougar. I’m a shell of the fierce woman I once was!”
Sylvie tipped her head. “You are many things, Alice, but a domesticated house cat is not one of them. We were only kidding about that.”
With a huff, I tossed up my arms. “But it’s true. I’m no longer a wild cat out tearing apart her prey. I’m a boring, tamed house cat who is spending this whole trip staring out the window pathetically missing her owner. It’s disgusting. I’m disgusting.”
Doris tittered. “Oh, Alice. You’re inlove,silly! That’s all. There’s no shame in missing your husband. It would be a shame if you didn’t.”
“Well, I’m pissed at him. I used to be so damn independent. I didn’t need a thing from anyone, ever. I needed only myself. Now, my God, I need him. I can’tbreathewithout him. And do you know what the worst part about it is?”
“What?”
“Not only did he break me and make me need him, but because I need him and love him, I’ll never get any more firsts again. This time apart made me realize that too! All these young, hot men running around and there’s not a damn thing I can do with them. Instead, I just sit here feeling pathetic and missing my husband. It’s infuriating. Man, am I pissed at Alejandro right now!”
The Widows stared at me with sympathetic looks.
“I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, Alice.” Doris frowned.
“Me too,” I answered. “I shouldn’t be. I should be happy to be married to a man I love, but all I can think about is that I’m here on this trip in a romantic place where normally I would be having some passionate love affair with a local. Eyeing one up, stalking my prey and then taking him down for the kill. And then I’d get that explosive first kiss. First touches. First, well everything. And I yearn for that feeling again. It’s a feeling I’m never going to experience ever again. Ever! It just didn’t really hit me until this trip that it’s over for me. Seeing all these men and realizing I’ll never have that again. No more firsts. I think I’m in a bit of mourning over them.”
“Well, none of us are getting that, sweetie,” Doris said. “But that’s marriage. We all agreed to stop kissing other boys when we said, ‘I do.’”
“I know that. And honestly, I don’t even reallywantto kiss other boys. It’s just that I wasn’t missing this part of who I was until I didn’t have him every night. When I’m with him, I don’t eventhinkabout anyone else. But now that I’m out here alone, I feel like a tamed cougar locked up in a cage and I’m miserable missing my owner. And no one else is even allowed to open it up and let me run free to stretch my legs. I just feel ... trapped. This time apart from him has made me feel trapped, pathetic, and weak.”
Sylvie’s eyes filled with concern. “You’re really feeling trapped in your marriage?”
“No,” I said, thinking about how much I loved him. Then I thought about how much I had loved all my random flings. “It’s just ... it’s just I didn’t realize how much I would miss all the firsts after I got married again. When I was single, there was a reason I was always hunting for someone new. And it’s not because I’m a nympho.” I paused and looked at Marge, holding up my hand to stop her from saying whatever snarky comment I knew tickled her tongue. “Don’t say it.”
“What? I didn’t say anything,” she responded, then whispered under her breath, “yet.”
I arched an eyebrow and kept on. “It wasn’t the sex that pulled me from man to man. If it was only sex I wanted, it would have been much easier to just pick one partner and have it readily available. In fact, I didn’t always sleep with my flings. Sometimes we made out like high schoolers all night long.” I closed my eyes and relished the feelings they’d evoked in me in the hours and hours of kissing we’d do. “It was the kisses that pulled me from new partner to new partner. First kisses to be specific. There is nothing better than a first kiss. I lived for that moment right before our lips touched. The promise of passion dancing just within my reach. The newness. The excitement. A first kiss is ...” I sighed and smiled. “A first kiss is everything.”
Sylvie sighed with me. “The best. First kisses are the best.”
“And now I’ll never have one again. I’ll never have any of those firsts I used to get all the time. I gave up that freedom of firsts when I chose Alejandro. And I yearn for it. Like a caged cougar yearns to run free again ... I yearn for that freedom as well. But at the same time, I wouldn’t change what I have with Alejandro for the world. I love him. I miss him. I only want to be with him ... but it’s so confusing because I still miss the thrill of the hunt. The stalk. The chase. Sinking my teeth into some young, muscular flesh. How badly I want to give in to that unyielding urge to shove my tongue in some random guys mouth just to feel that adrenalin rush of newness again.”
Doris crinkled her face then whispered, “Oh no. You’re not talking about that swinging business, are you? Where you change partners?”
“No!” I said too loudly, and that rage over someone else touching Alejandro bubbled up inside of me like a volcano exploding magma over everything surrounding it ... the way I would explode my rage on any woman who dared to touch my man. “No. I won’t share him, and I honestly have no desire to be with someone else. It’s just that I want to keep having my firsts ... with him ... over and over again. But that’s not possible. You only get one first kiss with someone. That’s just a cold, hard fact. It’s just been extra difficult being away from him and not being able to act on all my old urges. This time apart has really made me realize that’s it. All my firsts are over.”
“I get that.” Sylvie turned to me. “What I wouldn’t give to go back to the first kiss with Tom and do it over and over again. There’s nothing quite like it.”
“Agreed.” Marge closed her eyes. “Earth shattering.”
“I remember my first kiss with Axel.” Doris drew her arms around herself and gave a little squeeze.
“See? Then you understand? And it’s harder for me because I was having so many first kisses while I was single. I loved prowling about like a hungry lioness, hunting for someone new to devour. And now ... never again.”
“But all those first kisses weren’t anything like the first one with Alejandro? Right?”
My heart swelled with the memory of our first kiss on the cruise and the way my heart had cracked open for him. “Oh no. Nothing like that. I knew the moment our lips touched that my life was changed forever. No one would ever be able to take his place. He was mine, and I was his. For always. But that incredible memory fades a little more every day. The more time that passes, the harder it is for me to step back and live inside that memory when I need to remember how that first felt. It’s what keeps me going every time I start to crave a new first with someone. But now ... it’s leaving me, and I’m terrified I’ll never get to feel that way again.”
“I get it, Alice. I really do,” Sylvie said. “But just because you aren’t ever going to have a firstkissagain, doesn’t mean you aren’t going to have a lot of different firsts.”
“Yeah,” Marge agreed. “Like this. This is our first time at an African tribal ceremony. Our first time in African tribal clothes. Our first time eating ...” she paused and looked at the stuff in our empty bowls. “Well, whatever the hell that was.”
“Bugs. I know it was bugs and you’re all lying to me,” Doris pulled a face. “I ate bugs, didn’t I?”
“It’s not bugs!” we echoed.
