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Vayne made a gagging gesture with a finger in his mouth. "The next thing you'll say is that it'll make everyone so happy they'll dance in the streets or some shit."
Tavian snorted. "That would be going overboard. I want to make things prettier, not boring."
"That sounds better," Vayne said. "You could distract people with rainbows, then cut their throat."
"I'd be living the dream then," Tavian sighed.
I shook my head. "More than a little bit out of your mind."
He grinned. "If I'm out of my mind, then I don't want to be in my mind." He stopped and frowned. "I don't think that's quite what I intended to say."
"Sounds right to me," Vayne said. "I wouldn't want to be in your mind either."
"No, you'd prefer to be in my mouth, wouldn't you?" Tavian smiled at him.
"I'd prefer to be in her mouth." Vayne nodded at me.
"How much time do you think we have?" Tavian asked. He glanced at the space where the portal was only moments ago.
"Since when did you care?" Vayne asked.
Somewhat hypocritical, since he'd fucked my mouth in the training yard where anyone could have walked up and seen. In fact, Zared had seen out the window.
He told me that right before fucking me up against the door in another building. That seemed like a lifetime ago. The ache of not having Zared here with us burned through me like a physical pain. Like part of me got ripped away, in spite of the bond which still held between us.
I hadn't told anyone about that. I don't know why. Maybe because it was my little secret to keep. Some personal, private part of myself between me and him and no one else.
"Is it possible to reverse memory changes?" I asked. "I mean, if my memory was changed before I went to the temple, but I'm remembering things from before, does that mean they're not gone? They're just…pushed down somewhere."
They exchanged glances.
"It's not a Winter Court magic thing, so I don't know how it works," Tavian admitted. "Most people don't, given it's a rare ability. Someone like Dalyth would know better than we would."
I wrinkled my nose. The last person I wanted to ask about anything was her, especially because she'd know exactly why I was asking.
"I suppose I could ask her to teach me how to do it," I conceded. "Maybe she'll let something slip."
"Fuck," Vayne said. He sat forward, hands on his thighs. "You want to change Zared's memories back?"
"Of course I do," I replied. "Don't you think he deserves the right to choose where and how he lives his life?"
"Not necessarily." Vayne held up a hand before I could protest.
"I hate to agree with anything Cavan and Dalyth did, but he might actually be happier living his life the way he is now. He's going to grow old and die along with people who will do the same at the same pace. We all know what he'll choose if he's given a choice. He'll choose you. Maybe him too." He jerked his head towards Tavian. "You might take his whole life away from him. You might not give him the choice you think you are. You both might come to regret it. How will you feel when he hates you for giving him back something he might be better off without?"
I looked over to Tavian as he shrugged.
"I don't know if you're right, or if Vayne is. I'm a big believer in choice, but I also care about Zared, and I don't want to see him hurt. I don't want to see either of you hurt. As decisions go, it's one of the more impossible ones. One thing I do know, though, it's not one that needs to be made today. Think it over. Talk to Ryze. Talk to Cavan if you have to. I'm sure if you ask, they’ll take you to Havenmoor or wherever Zared is so you can see how he's doing."
He took my hands in his. "I only ask one thing. Don't rush into this. All right?"
I nodded. "I won't." They were both right. I owed it to Zared to think this through and make the right decision for him. If that meant leaving him to live his life, then that's what I'd do. Even if it broke my heart to do it. Better my heart get broken then have his life shattered all over again. He'd end up hating me and that would devastate both of us.
When the time came, I'd have to think very, very carefully. And put my faith in the gods that I'd make the right choice.
15
Khala
