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“No.”
“Josh—”
There’s noise on the other side and I have a feeling the phone’s changing hands again. It’s like a revolving door of consequences.
“Ruslan.”
I exhale. “Emma, can we talk?”
“You really hurt them, Ruslan.”
“I know. I know I hurt you, too. Just let me up there so that I can explain what happened.”
“Why didn’t you just explain back then?” she whispers. “I was right there, asking—begging—to carry half the burden.”
“I know. I’m just… I’m not used to that.”
“So you pushed me away. Again.”
I wince. “I… yes. That’s what I did.”
“I’m too old for this, Ruslan. Come to think of it, so are you. I think I’ve proved that I’m in this for the long haul. I just don’t think you are. And that’s a problem because it’s not just me. It’s about my kids, too.”
“I was in a bad headspace yesterday—”
“How?” she demands. “We got Adrik. That’s what you wanted, right? We got Adrik and you didn’t have to kill him. The plan worked.”
“It worked. You did so good. But things happened after you left. I was—Iam—trying to keep you safe from it all.”
“Maybe you should look into a way to keep me safe fromyou. Because that’s the wound that hurts the most right now.”
I glance up to find the security guard staring at me with open curiosity. He glances away the moment we make eye contact.
“Please, Emma.” I sigh. “Just let me up.”
Her breath whistles out, low and mournful. “I know that you probably think you have a good reason for what you said, what you did. But the fact is, no matter what the reason, those kids will never be able to unhear those words. I need to think ofthemnow. I need to think of our future.”
“Emma—”
She ignores me. “You and me, we’ve been in this sort of blissful in-between lately. You told me you wanted to be with me and I was happy to go along with whatever that meant because it felt so good to be with you. But the truth is, you don’t think of me as your partner. You think of me as an ornament. An accessory. An incubator. And like you reminded me yesterday, none of those things translate towife.”
I squeeze the phone and lean in like it’ll help her hear me better. “I was so drunk, Emma. You can’t take what I said seriously.”
“Adrik said pretty much the same thing, Ruslan. And I chose not to believe him. But then, when you said what you said—”
“You don’t have to be married to me to be important to me, Emma.”
“Then why do I need to be married to you in order to ask questions or demand explanations? I can’t have expectations of you without a ring on my finger? I can’trelyon you?”
She sighs and I can hear the fatigue in her voice. She’s pregnant; she’s supposed to be keeping her blood pressure low. And here I am, messing it up for her already.
Ruining my baby’s life before the child is even born.
“How am I supposed to believe all the things you’ve said to me and the kids before now? I can’t, Ruslan. And I can’t afford to expose the kids to another father figure who doesn’t really want to be their father.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
Say something, you dumb, mute bastard. Fix it. Fucking FIX IT.
