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“Are you…happy here, Brutus?” MF asked.
“Compared to working for the gods and dealing with their shenanigans every day, this is heaven. And after a lifetime of fighting and killing Maaskab, evil vampires, stupid humans, and whatever else the Uchben were tasked with, I am more than happy to just kick back and let the women do it. I get to play with my son, teach him sword fighting, weaving, fishing, welding—once he’s old enough, of course. And my men enjoy around-the-clock sex because there are three women to every man.”
“Hear, hear!” said one of the soldiers.
“Hear, hear,” the others roared.
Brutus leaned in to whisper, “Plus, I really love Fina. The woman has a heart of gold, and she’s always down for a good romp.”
“Did someone say romp?” Pet appeared in front of Damien’s face, holding a piece of paper.
“Pet, what happened?” Damien asked. She’d been gone for over forty minutes.
Pet handed Damien the note. “I had to wait while he wrote a reply.”
“You spoke to Maxton?” Damien growled.
“Didn’t you say to read him the note?” Pet asked.
For fuck’s sake, she’s even dumber than Bonbon, said the beast.
Damien shook his head and unrolled the note, which was written on the back of the paper he’d sent. A foul odor hit his nose. “Is that…shit?” Damien held the note away from his face.
“Yup. That’s what took so long. He went out, found some squirrel turds, and then carefully wrote each word with a broken femur he had lying around.”
“What’s it say?” Brutus asked.
“Fuck your women. Fuck you. Fuck off. Come near me, and I will slice off your dick and make you eat it.” Damien frowned. “P.S. Thanks for the ascot and scarf. You have excellent taste. Cheers.”
I like him!the beast roared.
“Silence, brother. You are not helping.”
What? I am merely thrilled to learn I have a true brother out in the world.
“Who are you talking to?” Brutus asked, looking around for a hidden stranger.
“Damien has a psychotic twin living inside him,” MF said. “He kills people any chance he gets.”
The Uchben traded glances.
“I am in control of him. There is nothing to fear,” Damien said. “He merely talks a good game.”
“Not true. I saw him slaughter an entire dinner party. Took him ten minutes,” MF interjected.
CHAPTER SEVEN
“Thanks, MF. This is just what we needed. Now we’ll have to eat granola bars for dinner again.” Damien jabbed at the tiny campfire with his stick and glanced across the wide river at the village, the smell of Brutus’s roasting meat making his mouth water. Reminded him of a good moo shu pork.
“Well, maybe Brutus had a point to unwelcome us,” MF said. “They have a hundred babies to think about, and you’re a wild card.”
Perhaps.Either way, they had not gone to the village for its accommodations. They’d only needed to learn the whereabouts of Maxton.
“So what’s the plan now?” Bonbon asked, standing with Gorgonzolina, the two rubbing their butt cheeks together.
“Stop that,” Damien snarled. “I’m trying to think.” What was the plan? They didn’t have much time left. “The vampire seemed to appreciate the ascot and scarf, so fine. Send him the suit.” Maybe it would buy a little goodwill.
The next morning, Damien woke to campfire smoke in his face. He rubbed his eyes and the back of his stiff neck.
