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CHAPTER FIVE
“Could it be any hotter?” MF groaned, swatting at the hundreds of grape-sized mosquitoes following her through the jungle. They seemed to be intrigued by her scent, but not enough to go in for a taste.
It probably had something to do with the fact that after the Great Explosion, her body hadn’t returned to its former human self. She was no longer a vampire, but some of her immortal traits remained: eyesight and hearing, for example. Damien’s hypothesis was that the explosion didn’t kill the vampire side of her DNA, it merely made it dormant.
Truthfully, he found it all very interesting, especially the fact that there were pockets of supernatural creatures who were completely untouched by the blast. Pet for example. Bonbon and Gorgonzolina, too. He’d even met a pack of were-eagles recently. Why had they been spared?
Also a mystery? How does anyone survive in this sticky heat? Dear gods, it’s hot.He’d even had to change from his casual business wear to a white linen shirt and khaki linen shorts. He never wore them unless at the beach, but thankfully he’d come prepared.
Almost.
For three days, Damien and his unwelcome posse had followed a game trail through the dense jungle, going up one ravine and down another, through forests so dense that the sunlight could not penetrate. Not that there was any sunlight. The constant rain seemed to follow them everywhere. His balls felt like spent wads of chewing gum.
Now one day’s journey had turned into three because they’d been walking in circles.Never let a demon be in charge of the GPS,he thought. Their dark energy throws everything off.
“I love this weather,” said Bonbon, trotting behind Gorgonzolina, sniffing her brown tail. “Reminds me of home. Kind of like Gorgonzolina’s butthole.”
“Did they just say hell smells like a butthole?” MF asked, marching behind Damien with Pet on her shoulder.
“Pretty much,” Damien replied. “Pet, why don’t you fly ahead and see if there’s any sign of the village? If I go by my GPS, we cannot be far.”
They were less than a mile from the coordinates of where Brutus liked to have his clothing drop-shipped. Generally, Brutus ordered camo cargo pants with extra room in the front, back, thighs—pretty much everywhere. Brutus was a large man. And this said a lot coming from Damien, who was no small potato at six three with the body of a man who once killed for a living.
“No,” MF protested, “I’ll go. The last time you asked Pet to scout, she found a mushroom patch and had a one-fairy orgy.”
“Fair point.” It had taken them two hours to find her, and when they did, it was a sight that no living—or dead—creature should see. “Who knew sex fairies had so much capacity in their orifices.”
“I once fucked a donkey,” Pet said proudly. “In the butt.”
“You had sex with it, or the other way around?” MF asked, her face contorting with disgust.
“Both,” Pet replied.
“Ew!” MF brushed Pet off her shoulder. “Did you just leave a wet mark on me?”
“Sorry. I got all excited thinking about Señor Donkey-Ho-Tee.” Pet fluttered ahead, landing on Gorgonzolina’s back to ride her like a horse.
“This is exactly why I wish to travel alone rather than with you degenerates,” Damien grumbled. “This is a serious mission. Not some camp jamboree for perverts and idiots.”
“Watch who you call an idiot,” MF protested. “And I’ll point out that I can out-sew you any day of the week. Blindfolded. Also,Iwouldn’t have forgotten the water back at the last camp.” MF fanned her face. “And before you offer again, Bonbon, no, I don’t want to drink your demon urine.”
“Who goes there!” barked a loud female voice.
Damien stopped in his tracks, his eyes scanning the surrounding jungle. He saw no one. “Everyone, please allow me to do the talking,” he whispered.
“I want to see Brutus!” Pet called out. “I hear he is sexy, and I would like to tickle his balls!”
“Pet! I told you not to speak.” Damien inhaled slowly. “No one is here to tickle anyone’s balls. We’ve come tospeakto Brutus!”
“Is that a sex fairy?” asked another female voice.
“Ohmygod. I think it is,” answered another.
“What is your name?” one of them called out.
“I am Damien Greystone. I am Brutus’s tailor, and I—”
“No, we meant the fairy,” said one of the females.
