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Her head went back and forth. “I appreciate that. I would have told you it was fine.”
“I know you would have. And maybe it would have been, but it’s not what I want. See, I’m being selfish here. I do want to work on a house. I do want another project. But I don’t want something that is inconvenient to my job and my relationship with you.”
“I’ll buy that,” she said. “Let me go get the corn going. I forgot about it. It won’t take long.”
He watched her walk away and went to the grill to check on the dinner, then went into the house and started to pull the plates down. No reason that she had to do everything.
“Can we eat outside?” he asked.
“Sure,” she said. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Getting the plates,” she said.
“You don’t need to thank me for doing my part.”
He hated that maybe she felt like she had with her ex.
She nodded. When they were back outside, she said, “I appreciate you thinking of our relationship when trying to figure out where to live and a flip, but you have your own life too.”
“Maybe I want us to have one together,” he said. “I can’t do that if I’m too far away. Or worry that I can’t make the time to see you. Trust me, if a house became available this week close by and it was a good deal, I’d jump on it.”
“I believe you,” she said. “And I shouldn’t have said what I had about this house. I think it just was a trigger about me always saying no and you somehow finding a way to do it. I worried you thought I couldn’t afford it.”
“Well, I did think that,” he said. “But I wouldn’t have offered money or anything. Everyone has their pride. You’ve been working right alongside me during the kitchen rehab or your father has. Not once have I come over here alone to do any work.”
Even though he’d been so tempted to do that but told himself that might be the line that shouldn’t be crossed.
“I know,” she said. “I shouldn’t have overreacted. And as for money, I live a simple life. I’m frugal. We never had a ton growing up, but we weren’t poor.”
“I understand that,” he said. Her father was a single father. His job was seasonal so the money was never guaranteed and had to be stretched for lighter times of the year. “I also understand more how you were able to buy this house and do what you have been to it.”
“I hated taking the money from Donna.”
“Don’t,” he said. “She wouldn’t have given it to you if she didn’t feel she needed to. She could have just as easily come over to help you pack and move.”
“She could have. I’m not sure I would have left though that night. That is the hard part about this. I ask myself all the time, did I do it because of the money?”
“Don’t do that to yourself,” he said. “The money only made it easier for you to do it right then. Donna had to have known that. Maybe she was scared of what her son would do. She could have been equally scared for him as she was for you.”
“That I believe,” she said. “My father has no idea I was given the money. He doesn’t know how bad my marriage was either. I told him just enough.”
“How much was just enough?” he asked. “I don’t want to lie but don’t want to slip either if it comes up.”
“He knows that I was beaten down verbally and emotionally. That I never felt as if I was enough for Tanner. He thinks I just had enough and left. He doesn’t know anything about the physical part.”
“Which was going on longer than that night,” he said.
“Yes,” she said, sighing. “But I’m not lying to you, Christian. The slap was the last straw. On the drive home, I ate a whole bag of chocolate and laughed and cried through the drive. It felt so good to stuff myself as I cursed and swore. Something so stupid and silly as that made me realize what a fool I’d been. A freaking bag of chocolate that I could eat without guilt.”
“No,” he said. “Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t think you shouldn’t have put up with it or should have left sooner. Know that you left when you needed to. Maybe you would have left and gone back to him earlier on.”
“You could be right. But he made me hate him. When I was driving away that night, there was no love left between us. I was a possession to him at that point. He was a shackle on my ankle.”
“I’ll never be that way to you,” Christian said. “But I want you to tell me if you feel that. If you feel any weight on you from me. Or that I’m putting on you. Any pressure at all.”
“Thank you for that too,” she said. “But it goes both ways. I need to know if you feel it also.”
