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“One of many times in her life she has,” she said. “Abby and I drove her back. We talked to her counselors. I want them to talk to me or Abby if there are concerns or issues. My mother authorized them to do that.”
“Which had to be huge,” he said.
“I believe it is. I’m not sure if it’s the holidays that caused it or not. She made some comments about the way I made her eggs with cheese. I knew she did it that way. I always liked them, but they didn’t hold any fond memory that my mother did it for me. It’s just how I ate them.”
“I understand that,” he said. “But did she?”
“I don’t know. What I saw was hope in her eyes over something that simple. I know this is going to sound mean and horrible, but I can’t let her into my life right now. Not like she wants.”
“She has to earn your trust again,” he said. “I think that is reasonable.”
“Abby is so ready to say she is fixed and accept her with open arms.”
“It sounds as if your sister doesn’t have the memories that you do,” he said.
“No. She was too young to remember any of the bad. All she remembers is she had no mother and she’s always missed and wanted that in life. I tried to be there for her, but I was her sister, not her mother.”
He just thought of something. “Back in school. When kids were saying those things about your mother, you worried I’d find out, didn’t you?”
“I’m not so sure I worried as much as if you’d feel the same way. Or think I wasn’t good enough for you. You knew that part of it. My mother’s story was just an added bonus.”
It was the way she said it that had him letting out a not-so-funny laugh.
“Why did you tell Tanner and then not me?” he asked. Might as well go right for it to get it all out in the open.
“I trusted him,” she said.
“And not me?” he asked. There was the hurt again.
“Let me finish,” she said. She was sniffling some now and he handed her a paper towel. She had no tissues anywhere that he could see. She blew her nose and blotted her eyes. “I told him early on. When we were engaged. He always asked where my mother was. He couldn’t understand how I had no relationship with her. Later on he used that information against me.”
Shit. He should have figured that. “He told you you’d be just like your mother?” he asked.
“Yes. We talked about having kids. I wasn’t ready for them. Maybe deep down I started to worry about the way he was treating me. The way he thought of my weight and how it’d be when I was pregnant.”
“Our guts know the truth even before we can admit it,” he said.
“Yes. He’d tell me I couldn’t be a good mother because I never had one in my life. And when I’d get upset with him or we’d fight he’d tell me I was just like her. That my moods changed. That maybe I needed to have some tests or evaluations.”
What a dick her ex was. “You didn’t believe that, did you?”
“No. That was one thing I never let get into my head. I knew the truth there. It was just one more battle sword in his arsenal to use at war with me though.”
“I will never do that to you,” he said. “Ever. We all have things in our families and pasts, but that doesn’t mean it will happen to us.”
“It won’t,” she said. “And I’m a stronger person from everything I went through. If I felt like you would have believed that or used any of it against me, we wouldn’t be where we are today.”
He couldn’t wrap his head around this. “Then why haven’t you told me?” he asked.
“Because I want something that I’ve never seen or had in my life. I want to experience a real relationship. A real family. Bringing my mother into my life again would be a reminder of what I didn’t have. It’s on me, not you. You have to believe it.”
“But you did bring her back in,” he said. “So now what?”
“Now I know I can handle it. That’s the only reason I brought her back in. I can handle it because of you.”
“I know I’m forgiven now,” he said, reaching for her and pulling her back against his chest. “Right? You wouldn’t have said that or admitted it if you were still mad at me.”
She grinned at him. “No. I wouldn’t have. I’m not sure we have to forgive each other. I think I just need to know that you’ve got my back. I need to not be afraid to talk to you either.”
