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“Shit,” he muttered.
“I know I should leave, but walking away . . . it isn’t that simple for me.”
When my parents had deemed my older brother a failure, they’d tightened their grip on me, determined not to have another child disappoint them. All their expectations had doubled, and I’d done my best not to buckle under the weight of it.
Now the urge to go and never look back was strong. In theory, nothing was keeping me under their control. I was a legal adult, who could get my own bank account and a place to live, and finally be free of my parents.
My brother had done it.
But . . .
“Colin had to burn every bridge with them to get away.” I made a face. “Maybe not every bridge. I’m still a connection between them. But if I leave? That’s it. That’s the end. And while they’ve given up on each other,” my voice turned small, “I’m not ready to.”
I’d always hold out hope that someday our fractured family could heal.
When Preston didn’t say anything, the silence grew taut.
“You think that’s stupid?”
Once again, he glanced over at me, only this time his expression was full of concern. “No, Sydney. I don’t think that’s stupid.” His shoulders lifted in a half shrug. “You want to keep your family together. I get that.” He paused, perhaps considering whether he should say more, and gave in. “Your folks are dicks, though.”
The tiniest, sad smile cracked on my face. He wasn’t wrong, and I understood why he felt that way. Once the Lowes had taken Colin in for the summer, they’d cemented their names on my parents’ shit list.
I stared out through the windshield for a long moment while considering the other issues keeping me from leaving.
“I don’t have a car,” I said, “or health insurance, or enough money to get my own place. Everything I’ve got is held on to by my parents, and only given out if I’m nice and,” I struggled to find the perfect word, “obedient. Which I’ve always been. I followed their rules, made all these sacrifices because I thought if I was just good enough, for just long enough, eventually I’d get to do what I wanted.”
That I’d get to be who I wanted to be.
I dropped my gaze to my fingers and felt the hot, angry sting of tears pricking at the corners of my eyes, but I refused to shed them.
“Shit,” I spat out. “I’ve been this person they wanted me to be for so long, I don’t know how to be anyone else, and for what? For a lie. For nothing.” There was a tremble in my voice, but I had no idea if it was from emotion or rage, or a mixture of both. “Every sacrifice and compromise I’ve made over the last four years has been pointless, wasted.”
That had been the thing that nearly sent me over the edge when I’d been seated across from my mother. It wasn’t as much that I was mad about them changing the deal . . . it was the lost time I’d never get back.
“You know what really got me?” I asked, even though it was rhetorical. “She had the nerve to look disappointed, when I’ve done everything they’ve ever asked of me.” I turned in my seat so I was facing him. “You said it, and you were right. All I’ve ever been is a good girl, and I’m so fucking tired. I don’t want to be that person anymore.”
He considered my statement for a long beat. “Then, don’t.”
Like it was just that simple.
“I don’t know how to do that,” I admitted.
“You don’t know how to be bad?” This drew a short laugh from him. “I could show you.”
His tone had been joking, but a dark part of me wanted this to be a legitimate offer. Oh, my god. My heart beat faster at the idea of him teaching me how to be bad. “Yeah? How?”
The easy smile on his lips froze. “What?”
“How would you show me?”
My question had weight, and it filled the empty space in the car, pushing out all the air. It made it impossible to breathe as he considered my question. His expression turned contemplative, and when a thought developed in his mind, it caused his hand to tighten on the steering wheel.
Like he both did and didn’t like it.
Preston drew in a deep, preparing breath. “You could start dating a guy they don’t approve of. Maybe someone they even hate.”
When his head turned in my direction, he must have put everything he had into his evil smile. Every muscle inside me tensed. It announced he was more than willing to volunteer for this job, and holy god, was it sexy.
