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“It’s okay if it does, though, Winter. You’re allowed to not like it, or the awkward position I put you in today. I know the crew made a joke out of it. But I didn’t like the way it made me feel, so I’m pretty sure you liked it even less.” My palms are sweaty.
“It kinda sucked,” she admits.
“I’m sorry.” I want to hug her, but I don’t know if physical contact is welcome.
“It also would have been nice to have a heads-up that you’d slept with one of my teammates.”
“Wait, what?”
She brushes past me and flops down on the couch. “I can’t remember her first name. But her last name is Persaud. We were talking about where we lived off campus after practice today, and I mentioned that I lived here. Everyone on the team knows about this house because of all the parties, I guess. Maverick is kind of a legend. And you wouldn’t believe the number of rumors flying around about his relationship with Clover. It’s good they’re in Pearl Lake being happy and not dealing with all that drama. Anyway, your name came up, and I’m sure you’ll be unsurprised to hear that you’ve got quite the reputation.”
I take a seat beside her, leaving some space because I feel like she needs it. “Yeah, I did a good job of having fun over the past few years.” I could really use a glass of water. My mouth is so dry. I wonder if this is what Kody feels like before he gets on the ice, or how Lavender felt every time she was in a room full of people she didn’t know. Even skate competitions don’t make me feel like this. The opposite, actually.
“She had great things to say about your performance, so kudos on that.” Winter picks at a loose thread on her jeans.
“You have every right to be pissed. I should have been honest about how prolific my sex life has been.”
“I don’t think I’m angry.” She shifts so she’s facing me, her smile a little sad. “Or maybe I am. I don’t know. It’s hard to feel secure that you want to be with me when that’s so vastly different from your previous approach to relationships and sex. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act or react when something like that happens. I get that you’re flirty, and that this is college and we’re supposed to have a good time, but what you were doing before seems a little…extra, to be honest. I can deal with it, though—mostly. What happened today—the way you only put your arm around me to ward off that girl when she came up—that’s the thing that bothers me. It made this, whatever this is”—she motions between us—“feel like less. I’ve been a shield my entire life, BJ. I don’t want to be yours too.”
My stomach twists at her admission. I hate that I’ve made her question what we have. “That wasn’t my intention, but I can see where you’re coming from. Even apart from that, it’s shitty and unfair, and it’s worse that it made you feel that way. Until you came along, I didn’t see the problem with my actions. I can’t take them back, but I can handle things differently now.”
“I’m living in your world, BJ. I’m surrounded by your friends, with all these people who are connected to you. It’s tricky, especially under circumstances like this,” she says.
I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Do you wish you’d moved in with your teammates instead?”
She sighs. “I weighed the pros and cons, and this made more sense. I look at things through a different lens than you. Financial motivation is strong when you come from the kind of home I do. And I try to avoid conflict because I’ve been conditioned to expect the people around me to get hurt if I engage in it or incite it. Living with my teammates could have been great, but there are so many unknowns with them. Lovey, Rose, and Lacey are my friends, and I’m comfortable, so I came into this with a built-in network of support. And River is great, and so is Quinn.” She fiddles with the end of her braid. “But I knew you and I were going to be the trickiest part to navigate. Neither of us has a whole lot of relationship experience—not that I’m trying to define this or anything.”
“Maybe we should.”
She clasps my hand. “We have this amazing connection, BJ—one that’s not just about sex, because if that’s all it was, we wouldn’t be sitting here, having this conversation. But labeling us because of what happened today won’t change it or us. That’s not what I’m asking for. Everything about this is new… And there’s pressure on all sides for both of us. I’m used to the guy I met in Pearl Lake who flirted and then used skating lessons as a bargaining chip to spend time with me.”
“I’m still that guy.”
“I know. But you’re also the guy who spent the first three years of college getting laid, a lot, and I’m benefiting from that extensive experience. But there’s always a downside, and that happens to be running into some of those girls. It’s a big shift. I just need time to digest and get my head around this.”
“Do you want space?”
“I don’t think so.” She bites her nail. “But maybe we should put a pin in the physical stuff and just spend time hanging out together—not indefinitely or anything, because my restraint when it comes to you is pretty damn abysmal, and I already ordered feathers, and they should arrive next week. But maybe we get through this week?”
“We could go on a date. We should go on a date. We haven’t done much of that. If at all, really.”
“You don’t need to take me on a date, BJ.”
“But I want to. We should go on one now.”
“It’s, like, seven thirty.”
“It’s still early. There’s this kickass ice cream place that’s only a few blocks away. They have the coolest flavors—like Earl Grey tea and lemon, and lavender and pear—and their waffle cones are to die for.” I stand and hold out a hand. “Do you want to go for ice cream with me?”
She smiles. “I can always eat ice cream.”
“I know. That’s why I picked it. Please, Snowflake. I know there isn’t an instant fix, but I want to show you that whatever we’re not calling this, I’m in. All the way.”
Winter makes a face. “I’m trying really hard not to make a sex joke.”
I laugh, and she lets me pull her to her feet.
I keep hold of her hand. “Can I hug you? A little affection without intention?”
