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37 PILLARS
Winter
I don’t expect to get through the holidays without running into my dad. And just as BJ needed the closure with Adele, I need to end that chapter of my life on my terms. I get the opportunity on the 23rd, while BJ is doing a balloon pickup for the holiday celebration at the Sunshine Center.
I run into the pharmacy to grab my refill on birth control pills while BJ picks up the balloons. The plaza has a variety of stores, including a convenience store and one of the two liquor stores in town. On my way out, I slide my prescription into my bag, along with a box of condoms, and almost collide with another person. “I’m so—” The words get stuck in my mouth when I realize it’s my dad.
His eyes widen. He’s holding a brown paper bag, clearly full of alcohol. A pack of smokes is tucked into the breast pocket of his thin, worn plaid coat. His hair is longer, and he has about three days of stubble on his cheeks. His skin is sallow, and he somehow looks thinner. And like he’s aged a decade since I last saw him. That makes sense because there’s no one to take care of him anymore.
“Winter? What are you doing here? I thought you was up in Chicago at that fancy college.”
“It’s winter break. I came back to spend the holidays with Mom.”
He looks away and nods. “How is Lucy?”
“She’s good. Working on her GED.” With the right support, Mom is getting close to being able to take the test. Math has never been her strongest subject, but she has a wonderful teacher who has been helping her get through the curriculum. And she’s found a new love for audiobooks and sweet romance thanks to Clover.
“Good. That’s good. She was always smarter than me. She feeling better too? Healed up okay?”
“She’s got some new aches and pains, but otherwise she’s doing well.”
“Good. That’s real good.” He blinks a bunch of times. “I didn’t mean for her to get hurt like that. I wasn’t thinking clearly. Can you tell her that for me? That I didn’t mean for her to get hurt? The police said I’m not allowed to talk to her or be near her or I’ll go to jail, otherwise I’d tell her myself.”
If I put up a filter and view him not as my father, but some sad man who lost his way, it’s easier to find some empathy. I nod. “I can tell her that.”
“Thanks. I’d appreciate it.” He chews on the inside of his lip. “I tried to quit the drink, but, uh, it’s not easy. I went to a couple of those meetings. I might try again after the holidays.”
“I hope that works out for you.” I can’t remember a single day when my dad didn’t have a beer in his hand. Alcohol is the other woman in his life, and I’m not sure he’ll ever be able to leave her.
“You still playing hockey? How’s college?”
“I am. And college is good, challenging, but good.”
He nods. “That’s good. You always had the brains for school.” He exhales a long breath.
“I should probably go.” This is the most interest my dad has ever shown in me, but it’s too little too late, and it’s getting awkward. Seeing him like this makes me both sad and angry. Even after losing everything, he still can’t find a reason to turn his life around, and he’s given up so completely.
“Yeah. Of course. You take care, Winter.”
“You too.” I dig around in my pocket with shaking hands for the key to BJ’s Jeep.
“Winter?” My dad’s voice wavers.
I really hope he doesn’t ask me for money. I glance over my shoulder. “Yeah?”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
He looks away. “For the way I treated you and your mom. I know it’s my fault she left. My temper gets in the way.”
I nod to the bag in his hand. “You can fix that, if you really want to.”
“I’m gonna try. After the holidays.”
The door to the flower store jingles as it opens.
I feel BJ before I see him.
