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52
Lake
Somanythings.
I'm feeling so many things.
Somewhere deep down, I knew my mom and Dale were lying to me. She wasn't doing well. The myth that she was just remaining stable was an illusion to keep me away. Keep me focused on my own healing and goals. But here she is, fading into nothing before my eyes. The strongest, most resilient person I've ever known is fading into nothing.
It hasn't even been that long since I saw her last, yet somehow, her weight has dropped significantly. She's nothing but bones and that bright, loving smile. Watching her wrap her brittle, slim arms around Dylan as they embrace has me remembering all the times those arms held me together. Countless nights of her picking me up, taking me to bed, rocking me to sleep… Those arms. Those fragile little arms, holding the one piece of hope I have no choice but to let go of next.
I can't take this.
“The horses still in the barn?” I ask, taking a step back.
Dylan turns to look at me with concern, but Dale simply rolls his lips inward and nods, understanding my need for a moment to catch my breath.
“The farrier was just here a bit ago. They're in the stalls. Due for some treats,” Dale adds.
“Colin, it's so wonderful to meet you as well,” my mom says, going to give him a hug.
She doesn't realize Colin doesn't give hugs, but tries anyway. He ducks a bit, folding into himself, then backs up a step by me.
“I want to see a horse.”
My mother's eyebrows raise with an amused smile as she looks at me for some sort of confirmation that I'll take him.
Somehow, the idea of Colin coming with me when I just need a minute to breathe isn't annoying at all. It's refreshing, actually. A different sort of energy I need right now to take away the pain of losing a mother I haven't lost yet.
“Let's go, Col,” I say, nodding my head in the barn's direction.
“Well, come inside and warm up, Dylan,” my mom comments, pulling a hesitant Dylan into the house. “This is a beautiful dress, by the way. Something I could definitely see myself in. I used to be quite the looker back in my day, believe it or not. A thick woman with curves for days. Curves this man could barely maneuver.” She wiggles her drawn-on eyebrows at Dale.
He tips his head back as a laugh escapes him. I should enjoy this, their happiness amidst the pain, but I can’t. The only thing I can think of when I see him laugh is the ticking clock set to end those smiles.
“Trust me, Dylan, it wasn't her curves that drew me to this gem. Not that they didn't help.”
My mother gasps in playful horror.
“In the palm of my hand, Dylan. Palm of my hand,” she brags.
Dylan chuckles at their banter, following her into the home with my mom's arm around her shoulders and her arm wrapped around my mother's lower back.
They hold each other like they're familiar. Like they've known each other forever. It's comforting, the ease of their embrace and connection, yet entirely too painful to see, especially with the knowledge of everything to come.
With a frustrated sigh, I get into the horse barn with Colin on my heels. I grab a few carrots from a bag hanging near the stalls.
“You ever fed a horse, Colin?” I ask, tossing him one.
“No,” he says, catching it against his chest. “Horses eat a lot. I could never keep a horse full. I can't keep Colin full. I couldn't feed a horse. Horses eat a lot.”
I walk along the stalls to Rosie, our older Quarter Horse, who my mother adopted from an overrun Sanctuary needing space. She's a beautiful, sweet old girl who's good with everyone. She comes right up to me, rubbing her muzzle into my hand.
“Hey, sweet girl,” I whisper, stroking her head.
I offer her a carrot and she grabs it from me, crunching it loudly in her rotating jaw. Colin continues walking along the stalls behind me, pausing in front of our other Quarter Horse, Magdalene, checking her out before walking down further and stopping in front of the last stall.
“Ah, be careful there, Colin,” I say, giving Rosie the last of the carrot and heading towards him.
