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Smiling to myself, I feel a familiar pinch in my chest I've been denying. I feel myself becoming soft in the presence of seeing them together, and I don't want my vulnerability to break me. I can't base my life and future on hopes and feelings. I have to base my life on facts and stats.
Facts and stats melt away when Lake turns back to face me from his chair. He leans one arm over the tiny wooden chair, his head cocked back to take me in. His eyes are soft and caring and his genuine grin makes me sigh like a nerdy school-girl with a crush on the captain of the football team. My heart is alive and well, thumping proudly.
In a moment, I see a future I never thought I’d see. A world in which all of my dreams and aspirations find a way to coexist.
A while later, Colin finally falls asleep in his chair for the night.
Lake joins me on the tiny couch after using my tiny bathroom. I cringed the entire time he was in there, worrying I didn't use enough bleach to clean the grout on the tile floor before he came. But he said nothing as he sat down next to me, close enough to where our shoulders and knees grazed each other's. He looks massive with his legs sprawled out on the ground before the tiny loveseat.
“I can't believe you let me tell you my entire jacket story and not once told me you were a fan of NASCAR,” he blanches.
Chuckling, I run my palms down my leggings, staring at the little run that's forming in the thinning material from too many washes.
“Can I ask you something?” he asks softly, turning to face me. “And will you answer me honestly?”
I find the nerve to look him in the eyes and nod. “Only honesty.”
That earns me a heartwarming smile. Lake licks his lips, his face growing somber again.
“Why didn't you tell me about him?” he asks, his brows furrowing. “Why did you feel you had to hide Colin from me? I mean, I know you already know this, but he's exceptional.”
My heart tightens in my chest, so much so it's causing me to feel physically ill.
“I-I'm definitely not ashamed of Colin. I'd never be. He's more normal to me than most people I meet.”
Lake chuckles at that, grabbing my hand from my lap and running his fingers through the crevices of mine again. I stiffen and suck in a shallow breath, looking from our hands back to him again.
“He's my best friend. My older brother, who I've always looked up to.” I fight back the emotion. “It's always been us.”
“Then why, D? Did you not think I'd understand?”
I blow air through my lips, trying to find the words.
“It's complicated, Lake,” I whisper, looking down at our intertwined fingers, knowing we shouldn't be doing this—breaking walls and opening hearts.
We're building that fire again. The one we can't help but stoke. The one with the ability to ruin us both.
He rubs his thumb along the side of mine, the sensation so comforting while simultaneously warming every part of me.
“I know it is,” he whispers even lower. “But I'm still here for it.”
My eyes find his, needing to see what that statement meant, wanting to know his truth. It’s apparent there's a deeper meaning by the way he's now turned toward me, studying every part of me with his eyes, like the answers to the meaning of life reside somewhere inside me.
“Tell me, D,” he whispers with such need. “Please.”
It's the same need I felt in his tone when he begged me to kiss him. I'm weak around him, that much is apparent, but the way he can get me to do anything with that one word terrifies me.
I find myself unable to say no to him once again.
And so I twist the handle, opening that door to our safe little world that I’ve spent my entire adult life protecting.
32
Lake
Sittinghere,breathinginthe scent of the lavender and vanilla candle she has burning, I face her in the dimly lit living room, our legs brushing up against one another as I hold her hand.
“This is hard for me, Lake,” she says, squeezing my fingers between hers.
