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“I did. He agreed to come.”
Anthony nodded, face unreadable. “Did he ask about me?”
“Yes. I said you agreed for the three of us to meet although you weren’t thrilled.”
“Weren’t thrilled. Yeah, I guess I’m not thrilled.” He took in a deep breath, then released it slowly. “I got carried away the other night when I told Jay I’d go along with this.”
I wasn’t a bit surprised. “It’s important to him.”
“It still doesn’t mean it’s good for him. Grudges are poison.” I wondered if he was thinking of his ex-wife, and how she haunted him throughout the divorce like a hungry piranha.
“I’m finally doing better,” he said. “Facing Chris won’t do me any good, although I miss him.”
I frowned. “Youmisshim?”
He nodded. “Yes, even with what happened and how things ended. He made me feel… desired. Special. I had a major crush on him for years, but I knew nothing would ever happen between us.”
“Until it did.”
“Yes. And knowing I was going to see him again in an intimate way was the main reason I finally got back on my feet. I needed him to respect me so he would come back for more. There was no way I was going to make that happen while being depressed, so depression had to go.For him.”
I leaned my head back and watched the darkening sky. I appreciated Anthony’s naked honesty, but it painted a picture of greater complexity. Of layers I couldn’t quite comprehend about their secret affair. Yet it made it easier for me to see Anthony’s side of the story and how he could have slipped down that rabbit hole.
“What are you thinking?” he asked me.
“I’m thinking that if we back off now, Jay will never forgive us.”
“Even if we’re doing what is right for him?”
“Even then. And between you and me, I’m worried he might try to do something on his own.” The notion of such possibility grew stronger the more I thought about the hatred I’d seen in Jay’s eyes. Expecting it to simply fade away with time felt naive.
“You think he’d try to hurt Chris without us knowing?”
I looked Anthony in the eyes. “You don’t?”
He looked away with a troubled expression. “Yeah, he might.”
We remained quiet for a while, watching the unfinished gazebo. Frank Sinatra was playing from the house next door. My mom loved Frank.
Finally, Anthony said, “I need you to promise me it won’t get out of hand. I don’t trust myself in that situation, so you’ll need to be the responsible adult.”
“I will.”
Another moment of silence before Anthony nodded. “Okay. I’m probably going to regret it, but maybe I need it as well—whateveritis.” He looked at me. “Tell Jay I’m in.”
I nodded as another domino piece tumbled down.
Part 2
9
I can still picture us in that cabin, so late at night it was closer to morning. The living room table was cramped with empty beer bottles and cheap snacks. Soft R&B songs were playing in the background, and I could barely tell one from the other. I was sitting on the couch next to Chris, our shoulders touching. We were high on weed and giggling. Jay was drunk and cursing a lot, mostly to make us giggle even harder. Anthony was as sober as it gets, but no one teased him about that because it put us at ease knowing at least one of us was fully in control.
Jay was telling us a story from his childhood, of a small town in the Midwest with more cows than people, where the town’s butcher was also the town’s barber. It was a dumb story I can’t for the life of me remember, but it made us laugh so hard my stomach ached. Then came Anthony’s turn to tell a childhood story of how he had once caught his older brother making out with their female cousin, and instead of being alarmed by being caught, they invited him to join. He declined.
I told them of the time my parents won a free trip to Disneyland for the whole family through a radio show my father religiously listened to. They ended up giving up on the prize in favor of a decade-long supply of canned corn. I’ve refused to eat corn ever since.
Then it was Chris’s turn to share, but he wouldn’t. As always, his past was locked in an iron safe none of us could crack. When we made the mistake of trying to pressure him to open up, he stormed out of the room and brought the night to a close.
