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‘Izzy, can we talk?’
She spins on her heels to look at me. ‘There’s no need, Brooks. I got the message, loud and clear. You’re right. We are two very different people. I have no clue what I’m going to do with my life. You have a business, Cady, andAlice in Wonderland. I’m supposed to move in circles with skinny, wealthy people and you like grungy karaoke bars. I want to be number one to someone. You already have a number one in your life. I’m not even mature enough to be able to accept that. We have nothing in common. This would never have worked. I’m a fool for thinking it could have.’
The elevator doors open and she steps inside. I don’t follow.
* * *
I decide to walk from the studio, knowing it’s miles from home. I don’t care. I take off my suit jacket and hold it over my shoulder, my other hand in my pants pocket, as the sun beats down on me. After a while, I reach my street but I keep walking. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t need to see Izzy packing, getting ready to leave. I don’t need to know she’s only two doors away from me but will be gone by tomorrow.
My goddamn shoes start blistering my feet but I keep walking, all the while remembering why I prefer to wear sneakers. Without realizing, I find myself in Central Park. I sit on a bench, alone, watching families and tourists smile and laugh, feeling the rush of air as rollerbladers and runners zip by me.
She’s right. We are two very different people. But I don’t believe what she said about social circles and handbags. She hates those people. She’s so much better than those people. They put her down, made her feel self-conscious and lacking. And we do have things in common, so much. Music, movies, sports, exercise. She challenges me. I thought I hated that at first, then I realized she makes me feel alive.
But she does deserve to be someone’s number one and right now, I can’t figure out how to make room for her. She isn’t just talking about Cady; she’s talking about all the other mess inside me. I’m lost. I’ve been lost for eighteen years because I’ve been so focused on Alice. Every move I’ve made, every thought I’ve had, Alice has been in there somewhere. Alice. Alice, who broke my heart.
Sitting here, I see the difference between Alice and Izzy. I feel it. Izzy has caused a different kind of hurt. Not deeper or more painful, just different.
But it ended the same. She’ll go back to the life she hates, with her parents telling her who she can and can’t date.
This time, I won’t just accept it. Things are going to change.
33
IZZY
Day 15
‘Are you ready?’ Dad asks from the doorway of the bedroom, where I’m zipping up my suitcase.
‘Yeah. Would you do me a favor and meet me downstairs?’
I need some time alone and though I know he feels the same way as my mother – that I’m better off without Brooks in my life – he can at least see that I’m hurting.
‘We’ll see you down there.’
When I hear the door of the apartment close, I drag my luggage into the living room and sit on the sofa one last time. I rub the cushion next to me, remembering where we made love. I look at the TV, remembering how we talked for hours about movies. I turn to face the kitchen and picture us making eggs and smoothies together. I smile at the thought of the first time he came over because he was worried I would cremate a good steak.
God, I’ll miss him.
Summoning strength I don’t feel, I pull my suitcases out to the hallway, closing the door behind me for the last time. Who would have thought I’d come to New York to promote a book and end up finding the only man I have ever loved? Who could have guessed that man would be Brooks Adams?
I drag my suitcases past his door, pausing, remembering how he wouldn’t let me go in the first time we came here, wondering if he’s in there or if he is already at the gym. Wondering whether he went right back to having eggs for breakfast. Wanting so much to go and make his breakfast for him.
I move on, as I know I have to do, making my way down the hall. Suddenly, my cases become lighter and leave my hands. My stomach sinks.
‘Brooks.’
‘I’ll help you down.’
I don’t know what I expected him to say. There are so many things unsaid between us, yet nothing to be said. We know how this ends.
‘Thank you.’
He carries my luggage to the elevator and we ride in silence. Outside, my parents are waiting in a black Cadillac.
Brooks hands the cases to the driver. Now, there is nothing between us except heavy, silent air. He reaches out for my cheek, the way he does, and I lean into his palm, closing my eyes, wishing I could bottle his touch and always have it with me.
He steps closer to me, his hand on the small of my back. I give in to the temptation to touch him and wrap my arms around his waist.
