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keep walking
jessica
“Dad, I’m fine. I don’t need you to walk me inside. You’ll get a ticket if you leave your car in the drop-off zone,” I say. I hope it’s just enough to convince him to let me go. Sometimes money is the only language my very cheap father understands.
His eyes close for a brief moment as he weighs the options: walk his only daughter into the airport to make sure she starts off okay on her very first solo trip. Or, risk getting a ticket and possibly towed. I can practically see his mind working as he calculates how far it would set back his monthly emergency fund.
He grabs my hand and squeezes gently. “Jessica, it’s not too late to change your plans for the summer,” he says, back in broken record mode.
“Dad, please, not this again. I know you’re not thrilled with me going, but you eventually agreed. Do we need to rehash this? You’ve worked at Haneul for over ten years. If you can survive that, surely I’ll survive one summer internship.” I smile, hoping it’ll appease his concerns.
He looks like he’s about to keep arguing but thankfully my mother steps in and gives me a hug. “Remember to say thank you to everyone who works on the airplane. And to insa with a bow to everyone who works at the company. And to give a small smile to everyone who works at the bus and subway stops.”
“Umma, I get it...show respect. I know, I know. You’ve hammered this into my head my entire life. Have I ever disappointed you?” The knot in my stomach tightens.My choice in college notwithstanding, I think to myself.
“We just worry, Jessica. But we’re also very, very proud.” I spot the tears welling up in her eyes immediately and I am not having it. Nope. I will not cry.
I turn my attention to my father. His back is ramrod straight, lips held in a tight line not betraying any emotion. This could go one of two ways. Either he changes his mind...again...and drags me back in the car and home to Cerritos where I work at my part-time job saving up money for tuition. The safe path. Or he lets me go and challenge myself in an ultracompetitive internship program in New York City. Which just so happens to be for the same company he works for, and oh yeah, hates.
His brows are stitched together. He swallows, and I track the movement in his neck. The weight of his internal war presses heavy in my heart. I hold my breath.
“Jessica, don’t spend money frivolously like on eating out and shopping.” He pauses, clears his throat before continuing. “And stay out of trouble. Don’t bring needless attention to yourself. Don’t walk anywhere alone. And only buy toilet paper on sale. Better yet, roll some up from the office bathroom and take it home with you, but make sure no one notices.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. It’s his best effort to let me go and I’ll take it. Plus, it’s not bad advice about stockpiling some office TP.
“I’ll be fine. I promise,” I say.
“But most of all, don’t let this internship change you,” he says. He doesn’t meet my eyes.
Thing is, I absolutely intend to be changed by this experience. It’s my first chance to do something big on my own and I’m going to make the most of it. I open my mouth to tell my dad this very thing, but the words get stuck behind all the emotion in my throat.
Better yet, I’ll just show him.
“I’m going to make you both very proud,” I say. “Love you.” I push the last words out but can’t avoid the crack that betrays everything I’m feeling—anticipation, determination...fear.
I quickly grab the handle of my suitcase and turn toward the airport entrance.
Don’t look back, I tell myself.Keep walking.
And I do.
elijah
“Mom, I’m fine. Don’t get out of the car.” I lean through the window to give my mom a reassuring smile. Our family driver in the States meets my eyes in the rearview mirror and gives me a small nod. He’ll help me avoid a big emotional goodbye. If there’s anything my mom hates, it’s a scene. She’s the queen of decorum.
“Honey, are you sure you don’t want me to go with you to New York? I could always, I don’t know, make a shopping trip out of it. Maybe your sister will fly out to meet us? We can spend some time getting lost at The Met, then catch a hot new show, and have brunch the next day at Balthazar. I’d hate for you to miss Balthazar your first time in the city. There’s so much I want to introduce you to in New York.”
I watch as my mom makes an alternate plan for my summer right before my eyes. Not gonna lie, her suggestions sound a lot better than what my dad has in store for me. Spending nine-to-five days in a glass prison with a bunch of stuffy corporate types in some made-up “executive training” role for kids of VIPs is not my idea of a good time.
But I’ve spent months trying to come up with excuses to get out of it. And my dad has hit his wit’s end with me. If I survive the summer, maybe he’ll get off my back about all the other ways I’ve disappointed him and fallen short of the family name when I come home to Korea.
“Mom, Grandpa would be disappointed if you cut your visit with him short. Plus, I need to do this on my own. Isn’t that what you and Dad expect from me? To start showing that I can be responsible and figure my shit out?”
She lets out a deep sigh. “Elijah,” she warns.
“I know, Mom, watch my language. I’ll try.” I flash her a smile and her eyes immediately warm.
“Go and do your best, Elijah. But,” she pauses and looks into the distance at something I can’t see, a future she’s not even sure of yet, “have fun and...be happy.”
