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He had so many questions about his son, the first of which was what was his name? Did he like sports? Was he healthy? What was his favorite subject in school? Did he like girls yet? Was he aware of Londen in any way? How was he being loved and nurtured? Could he fight? What was his favorite food?
Massaging his temples as his elbows rested on his thighs, Londen rocked back and forth. He wanted to call his parents and share the news with them, but they’d have more questions than he’d have answers to. Though he’d calmed down a bit, Londen was still hurt more than anything. There was a whole little person out here in the world with half of his makeup, who probably knew nothing about him. Every time that thought crossed his mind, his hurt would be replaced with anger.
Standing, Londen made his way out of the bedroom and into the living room area. Lei was stretched out on the couch reading “Atlas of the Heart” by Brené Brown. At the sight of him, she set the book down and sat up to make space for him on the couch.
“You okay, babe?”
His head shook though his mouth said, “Yeah.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“You can tell me how you’re feeling about all of this.”
The blank stare she gave him made Londen smile. “What do you mean? How I feel has no weight right now. I’m concerned about you.”
“How you feel does matter. You’re my woman. We are heavily in the process of shaping our futures together. Now… I have a son. How does that make you feel? Does that change anything for you? For us? Or is it too soon for you to tell?”
She scratched her nose and sniffled before closing her silk robe over her gown, and the gesture wasn’t lost on Londen. There was something in her heart that she wanted to close him off to. They’d made a hell of a lot of progress getting Lei to open herself up to him. Was him having a son going to change that?
“I feel hurt and angry for you more than anything. In my mind, I know Felicia had the right to do what she did, but in my heart, I hate she kept something so special and beautiful from you. I’m sure she had a good reason, but… I don’t know. That just hurts me. Maybe because of how much I want my own child. To know that you’ve had one all this time and had no idea… that’s foul. Personally… I feel like this was a wake-up call.”
“How so?”
Her gaze shifted as she carefully considered her words. Looking down into her lap, Lei huffed out her annoyance before calmly speaking again.
“We’ve been in this fairytale bubble since we met, and this is reality. We haven’t known each other for a full six months and we’re talking about marriage and babies. On top of you adjusting to being out. Training and a big move. It’s a lot already, and now you have a son. I just think we should have gone a little slower. A baby is the last thing you need right now, and now that you have a son…”
“Let me stop you right there,” Londen said quietly, though his thoughts were screaming. As much as he was trying to contain his hurt, that was getting harder and harder to do. “Whether we’ve known each other for six months or six millennias, I’m in love with you, and I’ve meant everything I said I wanted in this life with you.” Londen took her hand into his. “Me having a son does not take the place of the family I want to have with you. I’ve missed out on everything with my son.” His voice broke and head dropped. Londen wasn’t the kind of man who shied away from expressing himself, but being emotional and crying was simply something he didn’t do. He pulled in a shaky breath and dried his eyes, and when he looked into hers, they were wet. “But I’m honored to have a chance to be in his life now. Still, I want to be there with you every step of the way. I want a hand in it all. And I hope you never allow yourself to think anything different.”
“I really needed to hear you say that,” she confessed. “I didn’t want to bring it up because you already have so much on your plate and my overthinking had me paralyzed. All I could think about was how premature us trying to get to our happiness felt. Life seems to have so many things in store for you. I just… don’t want to get lost in the shuffle of that.”
“Baby…” Londen chuckled softly and pulled her onto his lap. “I don’t give a damn what life has in store for me. We’re controlling our own fate. I need you by my side every step of the way.”
Lei nibbled her bottom lip before nodding and giving him a kiss.
“I love you so much,” she whispered, tears finally cascading down her cheeks.
“I love you too. And I’m still as committed to our life together now as I was a few hours ago.”
She laughed softly as he wiped away her tears. “So… are you excited to meet him? I know it might not be this evening, but, babe, you got a mini you out here. I’m genuinely happy for you.”
Sitting back in his seat, Londen held her close. “I’m excited but I’m also concerned about how this transition will go. Now that I’ve calmed down a lot, I don’t want to disrupt his normal because the last nine years of his life have been taken from me.”
“So, what was up with you and her before you went to prison? Were you in a relationship or what?”
“Well, we were together, but we broke up when I was arrested. She didn’t want to leave me, but I wasn’t going to let her do that time with me. Now I question if she didn’t tell me about my son because I broke up with her.”
“If that was the case, that was horrible. Even if you wanted to spare her from that, she still should have told you. But I still get it. If you didn’t want her to witness that cycle of your life, she probably didn’t think you would want your son to either. It’s bad no matter how you view it.”
“Speaking of cycles…”
Lei chuckled and shook her head. “No, Londen. There is enough going on right now. We can talk about that later.”
“I’m cool with that, but I want to know if you’re pregnant now.”
“How about we wait at least until we get back home? Right now, all I want you to focus on is this meeting with Felicia and potentially your son. Are you going to be okay if she’s alone?”
“Yeah, I think that’ll be better. At first, I wanted to see him tonight, but like I said… I don’t want to mess up his normal. Once Felicia and I are on the same page, then I’ll see him.”
