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I sit in the boardroom in the Rebellion Records office, and it finally hits me that I’m now part of something so much bigger than myself. I’m surrounded by these insanely talented people—people I grew up with, people I care about—every single day, and they’ve given me the opportunity to come along for the ride.
Declan and I haven’t talked much about Kade being back—not after dinner with my parents. It’s clear she doesn’t want to talk about him, that she wants to just continue forgetting he’s alive. And really, I don’t blame her. I know he hurt her, but part of me feels responsible for that hurt.
The fact that he’s about to be thrust back into our lives makes me sick. I don’t know how to fix things with my brother, and I’m not even sure I want to try.
But that’s the thing… He is my brother, and Declan was my best friend. Even after all this time has passed, I still consider her one of my best friends. No one has ever been able to take her place—no one has even come close. I have to figure out how to navigate these waters for the sake of all of us. This shit is messy, and I don’t do messy. This is part of the reason why I went off the grid for years. Why I traveled solo and tried to find myself.
I haven’t told Dec, but Kade reached out to me once he got into the city a couple of days ago. It was the first time we had an actual conversation in years. Our discussion was mostly surface level, but he asked me for a favor I really don’t want to help him with, especially because I don’t want Declan to be uncomfortable. And if I’m being honest, I’ll be uncomfortable too. It’s been so long since he and I felt like actual brothers. The lines between right and wrong are fucking blurred, and I’m stuck in the middle of the crack in the foundation that Kade caused when he fucked Declan over.
When I fucked Declan over.
“Spence.” Miller catches my attention by crumpling up a piece of old sheet music and throwing it at my head. “Dude, you’re zoning out so fucking hard. You okay, man?” Miller pinches his eyebrows together. Miller was the first of the guys I reconnected with once back in the city. After I got the call from Bordeaux about joining the Rebellion team, I knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. When I got back to Chicago, I first reached out to Miller. He and I were always close back in school. He’s the kind of friend who doesn’t like to get crazy emotional—who would rather make a joke than have a heart to heart—so the fact that he’s checking in on me must mean I look like shit.
I haven’t slept well the past couple of nights, so I probably do look like shit.
I scrub my hand over my face and try to calm my uneasy mind. “All good, man. Just thinking about my brother being back. Apparently, he’s pretty fucked. No house, no job, no money. He’s really done a number on himself.” I let out a long sigh and crack my knuckles, shaking my head as the rest of the band, including Declan, come into the boardroom and sit on the rolling high-back chairs. She’s wearing a long-sleeved black crop top and a pair of high-waisted flare pants—her soul’s always belonged to a different decade. She loves her vintage furniture and old-school records and cassette tapes. She isn’t afraid to be who she is—and why should she be? She’s beautiful, kind, and insanely talented.
Miller and I end our conversation for now, neither of us wanting to talk about him in front of Declan.
But it’s too late.
“Do you guys seriously have to act like Kade is some bubonic plague that’s left a shadow over my life?” Declan slams her palms down on the table, looking from Miller to me. “You don’t have to stop talking about the dude just because I enter a room. I’m over it. I’ve been over it. Kade quite literally is a blip in my past, one I’ve long since forgotten, and one I’m grateful didn’t extend into my future.”
It’s hard for me to believe that Declan is just cool with talking about Kade. He broke—no, shattered—her heart into a billion fucking pieces, leaving her the way he did. I held her as she cried over my brother… until she signed with Hellfire and her entire life changed—until our entire lives changed.
We’re both fucking morons.
“It’s just hard for me to accept that you’re totally cool with Kade being here in the city, back in our lives. You seriously expect me to believe that you’re fine? You have no feelings about this?” I ask her, really digging into it since we were sitting at my parents’ dinner table. I would rather do it just the two of us, but here we are. I glance around the now full table, looking for some backup. Declan and I were never the type of friends who beat around the bush. We don’t tiptoe around each other. We confront the shit that’s haunting us, and we do it together. We always have.
Or am I just lying to myself? Maybe we confronted shit head-on but never our feelings for each other. We didn’t tiptoe around each other about things that were easy. That’s more accurate.
Isla and Bordeaux share a look that doesn’t escape me as I turn back toward Declan, who is now kicked back in her chair, her expression neutral as she fingers through her hair and sweeps it up on top of her head in a ponytail.
“Spence, I’m good. I promise you. I don’t lie to you, and you know it. Kade means nothing to me. Can we please move on from this?”
She’s getting annoyed with me—now rubbing her temple, one of her tells that she’s about to lose her cool, which she doesn’t do often, and especially not with me. I know I need to back down, but this entire conversation isn’t going to make the favor Kade had asked of me any easier. Because I still don’t fully believe she’s just over the situation.
“Yeah, Dec,” I tell her, sliding my sweaty palms over my jeans as Isla gets out her notebook, and we all pull out our phones to take notes. Today’s band meeting day. Something I’ve been told the band does once every month to go over schedules and upcoming work, promo, and obligations. This is the first meeting I’m sitting in on since being extended the videographer and photographer position.
“Everything okay?” Isla asks, looking between Declan and me, and we both nod. “Good, because I haven’t had my coffee yet, and we need to go over schedules before we get into that asshole—no offense, Spence—and then we all need to go home and get ready for tonight.”
I nod at Isla. She seems like a protective friend, and I love that for Dec. If anyone aside from Declan understands, it’s me. My brother’s a fucking ass. I know this. It runs in our blood; I just happen to be much better at controlling making an idiot out of myself than he is. Tonight is Isla’s big birthday dinner that Bordeaux planned—something I was made aware of when I walked in this morning—and it’s honestly both a bit disgusting and beautiful how deep the love is they share.
Bordeaux and Isla are a very in-your-face type of couple. In only the few times that I’ve seen them together, I’ve seen them making out more than once. But I’ve also seen the way they both look at each other. And it’s clear how deep their love runs. I never expected Bordeaux to be the first band member to settle down. Back in high school, he was definitely known as more of a playboy than the wholesome boyfriend type. He’s gone over the top tonight, renting out the entire rooftop of Jaded for her to celebrate.
Before I left, before Kade left, before everything in all our lives was blown to pieces all those years ago, Declan and I were closer than ever—even when she and Kade were dating, which isn’t something I’m proud of. She and I have never crossed an actual line, but somehow our relationship—friendship—always seemed to be slightly more than platonic. We’re both very touchy-feely people. We both express our emotions through touch. We always teetered on that line, keeping each other close but not too close.
Declan is as much of my home as this city is—as my family is. She has been since we were fourteen… damn near a decade. I didn’t ever want to lose that—I still don’t—but I had to get away from the city after everything went down, after I asked Kade to do what I did.
I half-listen as Isla talks about the band doing a few more radio interviews—something I don’t have to be at because that’s a Mia job.
Isla gives me a brief rundown on Mia, who is apparently running late this morning.
“Mia will go along and take a photo of the band being interviewed, slap it up on Instagram, and it’ll get hundreds of thousands, if not a million, likes. It’ll help us to be seen and favored in the Instagram algorithm.” Isla smiles. “She’s got multiple platforms to run and a lot of dicks to block, and she’s the best person for the job. Snarky and sharp. We’re lucky to have her.”
“She may be a pain in my ass, but she gets shit done, and she makes us look good while doing it,” Miller says with a cocky grin. “My little sis has a good head on her shoulders.”
Isla nods and continues. “Aside from radio interviews, we’ve got a magazine spread for all four of you, a solo shoot for Declan because she’s the Hottest Female in Rock.” Isla winks at Declan and her cheeks redden. Declan knows she’s beautiful, but she hasn’t ever accepted it. She has eyes, she can see that she’s most every man’s wet dream, with her luscious curves, long, dark hair that she used to change up frequently—yet it always looks flawless on her—and her perfectly plump lips. But for some reason, probably everything that happened all those years ago, she just can’t accept that she’s gorgeous. She’s getting nervous, biting her lip to keep it from doing that almost unnoticeable quiver it does when she’s on edge.
