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“I’m golden, ponyboy.” Kade smirks as he raises a shot glass and looks at Spence, their green eyes meeting before Kade sets the shot glass on the table and slides it over to Spence. Some of the liquor sloshes out, but it makes it to him. “Just wanna join in on the festivities, that’s all,” Kade quips. “Never have I ever begged my brother to leave town. Never have I ever told my brother that I wanted a chance with his girl, and that if he was out of the way, I’d go for her. Never have I ever asked my brother to break a woman’s heart for my own gain, only to not have the balls, still, to go after her. Never have I ever been the reason for my brother’s breakup, and then pretended like I had no idea why it happened.”
Our entire table goes silent as Spence and Kade remain locked in a stare down. The liquor flowing through my veins makes my brain take a second to catch up to Kade’s confession, but when I do, my entire fucking chest caves in.
What the actual fuck?
I look over at Spence, but his eyes are still glued on Kade. His chest rises and falls erratically, and there’s something in his eyes I don’t recognize.
“Spence?” I say, my voice low. He refuses to look at me, and while I don’t want to believe that Spence lied to me about not knowing why Kade up and left, while I don’t want to believe that he had any part of that, it’s clear to me that he did. A chill rolls down my spine, my entire body trembling as Spence takes his hand and aggressively slides the shot off the table so fast and so hard that it shatters against the wall next to our table.
Cameras flash and people start yelling as Spence stands and heads for Kade. The guys all get up, and one of Bordeaux’s guys slides between Kade and Spence just before the two are able to get their hands on each other.
Everything from that day comes back like fragmented pieces. As if that fucking shot glass Spence just threw is slowly being put back together. Kade leaving, barely looking me in the eye. How everything felt so out of the blue; how I didn’t understand what I did wrong and why he would do that to me without a fucking explanation.
I remember the feeling was like a goddamn punch to the gut. My heart was so damn heavy in my chest, I knew I’d never be okay again. Somehow it felt weightless, too, like there was nothing left inside of me. Because it didn’t matter that I still had lingering feelings for Spence at the time, I loved Kade. I was happy with him and what we were building together, and in seconds, it was ripped away from me.
And I thought it was my fault. I thought I had done something to push him away.
I look at the two of them and the guys struggle to keep them apart. My heart feels exactly like it did all those years ago—heavy and weightless at the same time.
***
25
***
SPENCE
Life can change in the amount of time it takes for a jackass to say just four sentences.
I’ve realized just how true that is in the past two weeks. Declan hasn’t spoken to me since the bar that night. Kade is going to finish out this leg of the tour and then he’s done. And I’m trying to figure out how the fuck I’m going to fit into this band and keep my dream job when Declan hates me.
I shouldn’t have done it; I know that. I should have just kept lying to myself, my brother, and Declan about my feelings for her because it beats what’s happened now.
I watch as Declan and the guys play on stage in New York. The way she can light up a stage is incredible. I get a rush that feels incredibly similar to being intoxicated every single time I watch her play. She commands the stage just as much as Bordeaux, and she’s in the background. She plucks away at her bass—a shiny, beautiful black instrument—but looks over the crowd and sings into her microphone. I’d love to hear her sing something on her own. She has such a beautiful tone to her voice.
I scan the audience in the sold-out theater. Their hands are all pumping in the air, and a lot of the crowd on the floor is jumping in time to Flynn’s beat on the drums. I’ve got talented friends, and I’ve fucked it all up because of a mistake I made when I was eighteen. I should have fucking been honest with her, especially after we reconnected, but how do you tell someone you care about that you’re the reason their boyfriend broke their heart?
“Give me five minutes, dude. I really need to talk to you,” I tell Kade as he orders flowers for Declan. I roll my eyes when I see his laptop and realize that’s what he’s doing. He doesn’t deserve her. She needs someone who will put her first, and Kade has never shown he can do that. Sure, he treats her well, he loves her, but he’s not the one for her.
“Shit, little brother, what? You’ve been harassing me for a damn week, but then every single time I try to sit down with you, you act like an idiot and bail.” He shrugs, clicking on the ‘complete my order’ button before turning to me.
My stomach swirls as I replay the words in my head—the words I’ve practiced for the past two months.
“I’m in love with Declan.” I spit them out before I can back out again, and all he does is laugh. He’s packed on a few pounds since graduation and stopping his two-a-day football practices, and his stomach shakes. It’s not a lot of weight, but he sure as hell isn’t as muscular as he once was. I remain stoic, unfazed—at least outwardly—by his laughter.
“You’re fucking with me.” Kade’s laughter dissipates, and his lips form a straight line. All I can do is shake my head as his stare turns cold. “What the fuck do you mean you’re in love with my girlfriend? What are you trying to accomplish here?”
I swallow the fucking bowling-ball-sized lump in my throat. “I’ve been in love with her for years, and I never made a move. Watching you two for these past two years has been fucking hell on me. She was mine first. My best friend. I’m the only reason you even know her. I’ve tried to get her out of my head. I’ve done everything I fucking can to just move on and be fine with it, but it’s killing me, Kade. I am in love with her, and I’m asking you to let me be with her. You can go anywhere, get anyone. I know you. Sure, you care about her, but our feelings for her aren’t equal. I will do anything for that girl. I can give her a life you never will because you don’t have it in you. Hell, even when we were kids, you always put yourself first.” I sigh, throwing my hands up, feeling like I’m fucking this all up. But I’ve said the words, and I can’t go back now.
“You’re telling me that you want me to leave her so you can shoot your shot,” Kade says, understanding despite my rambling. “This is comical.”
“Kade, please.” I borderline beg him, my emotions start to get the best of me. “Tell me you will always put her first. Tell me you won’t fucking break her heart.” I shake my head, knowing he can’t do it. “What is her favorite scent?” Lilacs. “Where does she go when she’s feeling like she needs to escape?” The river. “How does she cope with the pain she still carries from her father not believing her about that teacher?” Music. “What’s the one album she will never get tired of?” On the Impossible Past. “Tell me her favorite comfort food, Kade.” Bosco sticks dipped in cheese. “Tell me anything other than surface-level bullshit and what size tits she has. It’s been two years, don’t you think you should know these things?” I’m breathless and my nerves are on fire under my skin.
Kade grits his teeth and his jaw flexes, but he doesn’t say anything. He knows I’m right. If he could answer any of those questions, he would have. He’s not one to be outdone, especially by me.
“Lilacs. The river. Music. On the Impossible Past. Bosco sticks dipped in cheese.” I pause, letting him put the pieces together in his mind. “I will do everything in my power to give her everything you can’t, and you know it. Please do this for me. Do one thing for me.”
I start to come out of the memory as the band plays an encore for their fans. Kade was gone only a couple of weeks after that conversation. At first, I was helping Declan heal from a broken heart. She didn’t understand how they could be talking about a long-term life together, and then he was leaving in the blink of an eye. I couldn’t tell her about the conversation. I tried. Many times. But I was never man enough to go through with telling her—and the guilt I felt over him leaving her, despite it being what I asked of him, consumed me so much that I couldn’t tell her my feelings, either.It took me almost two weeks to finally build up the courage to tell her I was in love with her. I was going to do it, finally. After days of contemplating continuing to hang back forever and be just friends with the woman I loved… I was going to do it. And then I found out she was being signed to a major record label.
