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Damn. I wish he would stop smiling like that.
I don’t want to remember all the ways he used to set my soul on fire—how I used to daydream about the two of us becoming more than friends. Before I started dating his brother, of course.
And only every once in a while once I was dating Kade.
Guilt gnaws at me as I remember those days. How conflicted I was. How I knew I had to move on from loving Spence and build a life with Kade. How I felt like an idiot for being in love with my best friend, the brother that didn’t love me.
How if I couldn’t be with Spence in the way I wanted to, then I knew I could be with Kade. Until I couldn’t, at least.
“I’m glad you’re back,” I tell Spence, needing to change the subject. “I’ve missed you. How was traveling, being off the grid, and taking photos of every beautiful thing out in the world?”
A look crosses Spence’s face, one I don’t know how to read. Maybe melancholy—a longing for something or someone he’s left behind out there?
“I fucking loved every single second of it,” he says, relaxing backward on the sofa, keeping his eyes focused in on mine. “It was lonely sometimes—not having anyone, never staying in one place for long—but it was also weirdly comforting knowing that I didn’t have anyone depending on me.”
I nod because I can see why that would be appealing, especially in my line of work, being the bassist for a rock band that’s always in the public eye.
“I’ve missed you too, Dec,” Spence adds. “I may or may not have creeped all over your social media a couple of hours ago. I’ve stayed off social media for a while now—ever since I left to travel—but I got updates from my sister and parents when I talked to them. The only time I’d go on was when I had to post stuff for Nature’s Doorstep. Your Instagram is insane. You guys are literally all over the country and then some. But I told you so. I knew you guys would make it big one day, and look at you now.”
Spence always did tell me that everyone would know the name Reckless Desires one day. Anytime I felt like I should be gearing up to go to college and become a teacher or a nurse or something else instead of following my dreams to play in stadiums and arenas all over the world—anytime I felt even a sliver of doubt—Spence was always there to pick me back up again.
The band blew up overnight only a few weeks after Kade broke up with me. I started channeling everything into our music, and Hellfire Records scouted us at Iconic.
We were signing contracts and talking about leaving out for touring and recording all simultaneously within weeks. It felt like the entire world was spinning back then. Going from a nobody to a somebody overnight… When I think back on it, it still feels surreal.
One of the last conversations I had with Spence took place in Iconic. I was devastated to be leaving him and my mom. He told me he was presented with the offer to take an internship with Nature’s Doorstep, a nature magazine known for their stunning photography. He wasn’t going to take it at first.
I was less sad knowing he would be leaving too. That even if I stayed in the city, I would be losing one of my best friends. I didn’t tell him that because I was excited for him. He was getting the chance to work under some of the most talented photographers in the business. And he turned it into his career, interning for them and then deciding to live off-grid out of a van and continuing to take photos all over the United States.
“You okay?” Spence asks me as he puts his hand on my knee. His touch sends a shiver down my spine, and I have to tell myself that I need to snap out of it. I can’t open that door again. I refuse.
“I am. Just thinking. A lot has changed since we saw each other last.” I run my fingers through my long hair and sink into the couch.
A beat passes as the two of us stare at each other—the first time since he walked in that silence has overtaken us both.
“Were you happy?” Spence questions, and my eyes meet his, looking for the meaning behind his words. “You know, with Lucas.”
Guilt twists in my gut when I think about Lucas—about hurting him. Not even just him, but his family too. His sweet mother and his kind father. His siblings.
“Lucas is a really good person,” I tell Spence, nodding as if to reinforce my statement.
Spence cocks his head to the side, his eyes narrowing. “He’s a really good person, but…”
“But it wasn’t him that I envisioned spending the rest of my life with.”
***
3
***
DECLAN
“There is no fucking way you were in a cult!” I shout a little too loudly after having one too many vodka cranberries.
Spence and I decided to get dinner to catch up, seeing as it’s been years since we’ve had an actual conversation, let alone since we’ve seen each other. I brought him to The Pour House, one of my favorite dinner spots in Chicago, which I’ve only just recently found. The atmosphere is different than a lot of the stuffy, expensive places in the city. Its dark and moody lighting allows me the possibility to be more incognito than regularly lit restaurants, and for that, I’m grateful.
Despite the dim lighting, it seems as if every single person in this place tonight knows who I am and wants a photograph. I usually don’t mind, but I want to use this time with Spence—to relearn who he is.
