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“I don’t know what to say, Spence. The past three weeks are a complete blur. They don’t make sense. It’s been nonstop hurt and heartache, and I don’t want to believe any of it’s real.” He pulls me closer into him, and I breathe in his familiar sandalwood and amber scent as I turn on my side, facing him as he stares at the ceiling. There’s still leftover glow-in-the-dark stars from when he was a kid. Most of them have fallen and are long gone, but there’s a handful still clinging to life.
The irony isn’t lost on me.
“I miss him,” Spence whispers. “I miss the hell out of him, and I fucking hated him when he was alive. How fucked is that?” Spence clenches his jaw and slowly shakes his head. “I hated him because he had you. Because I felt like he didn’t deserve you. I hated him for leaving, but I’m the reason he left. And then I hated him when he came back. I spent so much time hating my brother that I lost all the reasons that I loved him. And that makes me a complete fucking monster.”
My chest tightens because part of me feels it all. The hate for Kade consumed me when he left. And then when I found out Spence was the direct cause for that while we were in Vegas, all my hate transferred to him.
But if I’m being honest, the majority of me could never hate Spence, not even if I wanted to.
“There’s too much between us,” I say out loud instead of internally, and Spence looks at me. “I was just thinking about how much I hated Kade for a long time. How I wanted, so badly, to hate you after I found out you were the reason he left. But I just couldn’t. Something inside me just won’t let me hate you, no matter how much I wanted to.”
He reaches over and squeezes my thigh, and I adjust myself when my arm starts to ache.
“I meant what I said. I chose you. It’s always been you, but when I found out you asked Kade to leave—and it was right after we were together and decided to make this a real thing between the two of us—I… I just lost it. I made up my mind that I was done with both of you, and I wasn’t looking back again. I have let the two of you consume my mind since I was fourteen.” I sigh, trying to catch my breath. “Despite it all, I can’t even imagine what my life would look like if I had never met the two of you.” I shiver, a coldness rolling through me.
Spence looks at me, and those eyes pull me in just like they always have.
“Do you wish you could go back in time and erase me from your life? That day in the library when we met… would you undo it?” The questions are genuine, and I know what I’ve said has given him the wrong idea.
“Never. I wouldn’t change anything.” I sit up because my arm is aching, and I know I need to put space between us. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. When Mom and I moved to the city, I was ready to end it all. I was done living. I wasn’t just harming myself to relieve pain. You saw those cuts on my arms. I wanted to die.” I stop. Thinking about myself at fourteen, the young Declan that I’m so far removed from now, hurts. “I don’t think I’d be here if it weren’t for you. Well, and those few years of therapy,”I tell him honestly. He played a huge role in helping me.
Spence sits up and reaches out to hold my right hand, and I let him.“You’re alive because you’re strong. Don’t credit me for your strength, Dec. If there’s anything I know for sure, it’s that the two of us were meant to be together. It’s always been you for me, Dec. I just don’t know where to go from here.”
I sigh and the ache in my chest grows. I don’t know if there’s too much damage between us now. I do love him, and I’d be lying if I said I don’t. But can I get over the fact that he alone has caused so much heartbreak?
“I don’t think we need to figure it out tonight,” I say. “Tonight is about your family and your brother. I think we should make it about Kade and his life. Don’t you? Let’s just table this for now. And if we find our way back to each other… if we can move past what’s happened, that’s great. If we can’t…” He nods, signaling that he understands and that I don’t have to speak the words out loud.
“No matter what happens, I will always love you,” Spence says, a soft smile playing out on his lips. “I can’t lose you. It’s the main reason I never came forward about my feelings in the first place. Even if you decide you can’t be with me, I still want to be in your life.”
A knock sounds at the door, and Mrs. Reid peeks her head in. “We’re about to eat. Are you two coming down?” She smiles and looks knowingly between the two of us.
***
29
***
DECLAN
***
THREE MONTHS LATER…
It feels as if the entire world stops when someone dies. Like no matter how many steps you try to take forward, you end up right back in the same old spot. Kade’s death changed me. It’s made me realize how soft we all are, even those of us who think we’re tough or try to be unaffected by the things happening around us.
Melanie showed up at Mr. and Mrs. Reid’s house a few weeks after the funeral. I was there because I had just brought Noelle back home. The two of us spent the day shopping, me basically buying her anything she wanted. Not because I think physical things could ever replace her brother, but because she and I were close when Kade and I dated, and even before that when Spence and I first met. I always kind of viewed her as the little sister I never had. When Kade and Spence both left the city, Noelle and I drifted apart too. And I want to change that.
I was putting my coat back on to leave—Chicago winters are beautiful but brutal. It had been snowing the entire day and the sun was setting fast.
“I’ll grab it,” I call out. I’m already standing in the entryway, so I walk the few steps toward the front door and open it, surprised to see Melanie standing on the front porch.
She looks similar to how she did at the funeral. It was the first time I had met her. Her hair is cut into a dark bob, and she’s wearing a long black coat and black pants. A red scarf is draped around her neck, flowing loosely at her sides.
“Can I come in? I’m hoping to talk with Mr. and Mrs. Reid.” Unsure what else to do, I usher her into the entryway. I can’t let her stand out in sub-zero temperatures while I ask. Things between Kade and Melanie didn’t end well, not from what he told me that day in the park. But I can’t imagine there are any ill feelings left from Mr. and Mrs. Reid. What would be the point now?
As soon as I shut the door, Mr. Reid is in the hallway, and his eyes grow big. “Melanie,” he says, just as surprised as I was.
Mrs. Reid comes around the corner as well, and before I know it, the four of us are sitting in the living room. Mrs. Reid had whispered in my ear, asking if I would hang back for a little bit, so I obliged.
