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Disappointed, I turn away as they continue their discussion. Without me, Celeste would never be in this situation. It feels like I should have a solution.
Not wanting to return to bed, I grab my jacket from the coat rack and make my way through the living room to the sliding door. Then I pause, turn around, take my jacket off and grab Celeste’s fur coat. I can almost hear her voice:you do look much cuter in this than me.
Outside, the sun has disappeared enough that I don't have to be afraid of smouldering. A thin sliver of a waxing moon hangs in the dark-blue sky, the stars hidden by clouds and light pollution. I grab one of the chairs – not the one I angrily kicked halfway across the terrace – and sit down. For approximately the hundredth time I take out my phone and call Celeste. It goes to voicemail.
Frustrated, I slip the phone into the coat pocket – and find myself cursing.I’d forgotten about the hole at the bottom of the pocket, letting my phone slide in between the fur and the lining.When I reach into it to fish my phone out, my fingers brush smooth paper. Did I leave something in this coat the last time I wore it? I don’t remember.
I pull on it and produce a smooth envelope of cream-coloured paper. My name is written on it in Celeste's handwriting. I stare for a moment before I open it with shaking fingers.
“Deni,
I love you.
There. I’m too much of a coward to say it out loud. I’ve only ever told one other person, and he did everything to break me.
I wish I I’d told you when I still had the chance. Now, I’m not even sure you’ll ever even know. If I’ve hidden this letter well enough, you might never discover it. But if I haven’t, I know Dante will find and destroy it. He could never love. I never thought I could love again, either.
But I do now. I understand if you don’t believe me. You probably think I wouldn't have done what I did if I really loved you, when actually, it's the only reason I lied. Because the last time I loved someone, it made me powerless to him and he hurt me.
So when I realised that I was falling for you – so fast and so hard! – I needed to give myself an out, a way to protect myself in case you, too, wanted to hurt me. I was too terrified not to.
I’m so sorry, Deni. I think my worst fear has come true – I’ve become like him: cold, selfish, and obsessed with power. I had no right to deceive you and I knew that very well. Just like I knew that this was your biggest fear. But I did it anyway because I couldn’t live with my own fear – and I was too selfish not to have you.
But I’m not writing this to make excuses.
I’m so sorry I hurt you, Deni. I went with Dante because I couldn’t bear the thought of your suffering. Please, at least let my sacrifice be worthwhile. Let me help you, even if you hate me. My rates are paid – stay at my house for as long as you want. I won’t need it for quite some time. Let your friend stay, too. There’s blood and money behind the floorboards in my bedroom. Don’t be too proud to take it.
I really hope you can move on from this and live the life you deserve.
I love you.
Forever yours,
Celeste”
I read the first line over and over again.I love you. I love you.I try to imagine what those words would sound like in Celeste’s voice.I love you, kitten.It should feel good to read those words but instead, it feels like a punch in the gut. Because it’s too late. The words blur in my vision as sobs begin to shake me.
The cat appears at my feet, sniffing me curiously.
“Where is she, Pumpkin?” I ask desperately.
He rubs his head on my shin and marches past me into the house. I follow him with a heavy heart.
It’s not much but I take the letter inside to show it to the others, after first pausing at the door to try to stifle my sobs.I love you.
The letter tilts everyone’s mood further toward pessimism. Somehow, the suspicion that she went with Dante was easier to bear when there was still hope that we were all wrong. Now we know. After confirming that this, in fact, brings us no closer to finding her, I take the letter back and go back to bed, still wearing the stupid coat, so I can cry in peace.
21. NOT HALLEY’S COMET BUT CLOSE ENOUGH
I wake a few hours later, the letter bunched in my fist and my eyes swollen from crying. I read it again.What the hell am I supposed to do with your stupid money?I think.I want you.Or maybe I don’t. But I do.
Ugh.I get up from the sheets and march into her bedroom, cold and untouched without her presence. Angry, I roll up the end of the rug and feel over the floorboards until I find a lose pair. I pry them back and stare at an amount of cash that makes me queasy. An amount of cash that I’m sure someone would kill me for without blinking an eye.
Beside it sits a metal box. I pick it up and nearly drop it again – it’s cold as ice. When I lift the lid, the inside of which is marked with runes I can’t identify, vials of gold-swirled blood greet me. Scowling, I take one out and turn it in my hand. This should be great – with bindweed in her system, for the first time, I can drink this without having to worry about giving her power over me. Yet somehow, I only feel like crying.
Dante doesn’t care about the dried flowers she keeps in her books, or the cassettes, the photos, the way she pretends she’s not laughing when I say something stupid, or the way she smiles when Mel yells in delight as she speeds off. I watch the gold undulate through the red. To him,thisis all she is.
To me, she’s everything.
