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No, everything I felt was emotional, and I felt like a complete asshole for what I’d done to Mackenzie.
That was exactly what I’d been, of course. A class-A dick for sabotaging her career and then fighting with her, saying terrible things that I hadn’t even meant.
I’d gotten angry and gone for the throat, my survival instincts kicking in. I’d thrown shit in her face she hadn’t deserved.
I had to tell her I was sorry, at least for what I’d said, if nothing else. I knew she hated me. I hated that she would hate me, but there wasn’t much I could do about that. She deserved to hate me for what I’d done to her.
I just wanted her to know that I hadn’t meant what I’d said about her sister. I knew how painful it was to lose someone, and I’d never wanted it to seem that I didn’t care about her feelings, that I didn’t understand how much it hurt to lose someone. What I’d said about it not being the same as losing Jake had been a pathetic lob-blow move to get to her.
It had worked and now I felt like crap about it.
I wanted to know how Rachel was doing too.
I picked up the phone and dialed her number. She’d be in the office by now, and usually she was available to talk in the morning.
Her phone rolled over to voicemail after ringing a couple of times.
I hung up and dialed her number again.
I waited for the ringing and waited until I landed in her mailbox again.
When I dialed a third time, her phone was off, and I went to voicemail straight away.
She didn’t want to talk to me.
I was suddenly furious. I knew she had every right to push me away, but how could she not even answer my call? I hadn’t been the best of men but in our fight, she’d said horrible things too. I just wanted to clear the air between us.
I sent her a text. She would get that when her phone came back on.
I just want to talk about what happened. Let me explain myself.
I waited for a reply, although I knew I wasn’t going to get one soon. How long would her phone be off? Not long, she had work that she had to do on it, if nothing else. And if she was waiting for a call from the hospital for her sister…
I sat back in my seat and stared at my laptop. I had so much work I had to do. Now that I’d gotten the Elecoms contract, I had a shit ton of paperwork to take care of, and then I had to send my ideas to Toussaint so he could revise them again and let me know how we were going to move forward.
The idea I’d presented had been a good one, but to realize that idea and put it into action wasn’t always that easy—a lot would go into it.
Finally, I threw myself into my work. I’d been so good at it before, dealing with loss through work. I’d started this damn company for that reason, so why would this be any different?
It wasn’t the same as losing someone to death, though. Losing Mackenzie, knowing she was still out there, going through a tough time, and there was nothing I could do, was so much worse than when someone was gone for good and nothing would change.
I’d gotten used to the pain of loss that I’d felt after losing Jake. This kind of pain I wasn’t used at all, and it fucking hurt.
When I couldn’t focus on work anymore, I left the office and got into my car. I drove to the hospital where Scott was on duty this week. He had the day shift, so if I was lucky, I could catch him for lunch.
When I found him, he was already in the cafeteria. I stood in the line with him and we made small talk while he chose a couple of things to eat. I chose a sandwich and a soda.
“What’s going on with you?” Scott asked after we’d paid and sat down at a table toward the back of the cafeteria.
A few doctors and nurses ate here, but there were hospital guests, too. And then people like me, I guess, who didn’t really fit into any category.
“Nothing serious,” I said.
Scott pinned me with a hard look.
“What do you want me to say?” I asked. “I fucked up, I knew it was going to be that way, and now I have to deal with the aftermath.”
Scott unwrapped the sandwich he’d chosen, and he studied it for a bite before digging in.
