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Saundra sat in the car, mentally bracing herself to walk in the apartment. Miles’ bike was parked in the usual spot, which meant he was home. He was passed out on the couch when she woke up to go to work that morning, and no amount of noise or light roused him. Even just sitting there, he smelled of old cheap beer and cigarettes. He was sinking, and she couldn’t stop him. She hated to admit it, but her father may have been right. Was this what her life had become? Was she about to lose the only man she’d really ever loved? She knew Miles could be worth all of the effort she was giving him, but it just seemed like he’d just given up. If he wasn’t going to even try anymore, was she a good girlfriend for sticking by his side, or just stupid? She wanted to believe in him, to support him, but for the first time in her life she was terrified she was becoming one of those women who stayed in a relationship they should’ve left ages ago.
Checking her eyes in her rear view mirror to make sure it didn’t look like she’d been crying for the last twenty minutes, she sniffed, cleared her throat, and put on a smile. Fake it ‘till you make it. She picked up her bag and walked into their home. When she saw him sitting on the couch, beer in hand, watching TV, she was expecting another fight. She expected more shouting, and defensiveness. This would be it. She realized at that moment she couldn’t live a life that was this stressful.
Closing the door slowly but firmly, she set her bag down in the usual spot beside the couch. “Miles,” she started.
He pointed to the end of the coffee table. “That’s for you. It’s rent.”
“I…” She blinked and noticed the stack of cash. How had she missed that? Saundra walked to the end of the coffee table and picked up the money. “Your half?” A quick count proved it was far more than that.
“Nope,” he said, swigging his beer. “Rent.”
“Where…?”
“I told you, I had a plan. I have a job. Pays well, too.”
“I can see that.” She was afraid to feel relieved, but here was the money. He even seemed calmer, as though he was settled inside and just waiting for her reaction. He did come through on what he said he was going to do, after all. Maybe he wasn’t giving up. If he wasn’t giving up, she wasn’t going to give up on him. “I’m proud of you.”
She set down the money and sat the couch beside him.
He turned to face her. Everything in his face seemed more relaxed. This wasn’t the high strung man she’d been living with for months.
“You seem happy,” she said. “What’s the job?”
His eyes flickered to the side for just a moment. “Private security.”
She knew that look. It was the flicker she’d seen cross the eyes of almost every one of her students in every class she’d ever taught. It was the flicker of a lie created.
“Oh,” she said neutrally. “Do you like it?”
“It’s not that hard, really,” he said and took another drink. “Plus, can’t argue with that money.”
He gave a small laugh, and she found herself laughing along with him. It felt good to laugh with him again, to smile and see him smiling at her.
“Saundra,” he said softly, and set the beer down. He picked up her hands and held them, rubbing his thumb along the back of her hands. “I’ve missed you. I’m sorry for everything that’s been going on, for me, but things are different. They’re going to be better now. You’ll see. This is just the beginning.”
“I hope so. I want you to be happy.”
“As long as I have you,” he said, and put a hand to her cheek.
Saundra closed her eyes and breathed, leaning against his hand. She’d missed his hold so much, the gentle way he touched her. She was afraid for him, for what all of this was, but she so desperately wanted things to be better between them that she chose to trust him. She had to.
Warm tears escaped from her eyes and slid down the side of her nose and her cheek. She couldn’t think of a life without him in it, not if there was a way to save everything. She kept her eyes closed as she felt him move on the couch, his lips then touching hers. She reached out and pulled him close to her, kissing him with all of the passionate desperation she felt.
Their hands scrambled across one another, removing their clothes with practiced efficiency. Even after all these years, they still had the passion of two teenagers in the backseat of a car. He was a beautiful man, a fact that had never escaped her. She kept his face close to hers, kissing him repeatedly.
No matter what, she couldn’t stop kissing him. It pushed away all other thought, kept her in the moment. As long as his lips pressed against hers, the world was right. He picked her up, and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He carried her to the bedroom where he finished removing the last of her clothes. Saundra lied on her back as he worked down her body with his lips.
Her heart beating in her chest, she closed her eyes and focused on his touch, on the sensations running through her body. Deep in the core of her was a black pit of worry for him. Now wasn’t the time. She needed him. He rolled her onto her stomach and climbed on top of her. The press of his warm skin against hers sent a shudder through her. He kissed the side of her neck, around her shoulder to her spine. Firm, practiced fingers went to her shoulders and massaged her stiff muscles. Saundra sighed long and low, resting her forehead against the back of her hands. A relaxation she hadn’t felt in months melted through her.
He worked her shoulders, her upper arms, then ran his thumbs in firm, small circles down her back. She moaned, and the black pit of anxiety disappeared into the back. She didn’t have to try to not think about it anymore, she was completely blind to anything but Miles in that moment.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said softly as he worked out the tension in her lower back. “We’ve had so much going on, and I haven’t been able to appreciate you properly.”
“It’s okay,” she said, her voice a strain against how relaxed she was.
“No, it’s not. You deserve better. I’m going to do better. You’ll see. It’ll all be okay now.”
She lost herself in his touch and just let his words be truth. When he moved and laid himself over her again, this time she felt the tip of his arousal right where it needed to be.
