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Then the phone calls started. The first couple I didn’t think anything of, but then he was getting a couple of them a day. He would always step out and talk, not saying anything in the room other than a generic greeting. When he came back, he would wave it away as a business call. But what kind of business calls would he be getting? It didn’t make sense.
I started to grow worried that something was wrong. Even though he didn’t express that anything was negative and always seemed chipper when he got off the calls, the fact that he was taking them and acting somewhat secretive was worrying me. It had begun to freak me out enough that I contemplated confronting him over them. We had gotten along so well, for so long, without questioning each other, though. It was how both of us, who dealt with distrust and betrayal in our lives, kept our relationship so strong.
But it was worrying me. I thought maybe he didn’t want to be part of it anymore. That maybe he was looking for a way out.
Then again, all that could be a product of my brain. Pregnancy, and especially post-pregnancy, does some weird things to your thoughts, as I had been warned. Added to that, my anxiety was through the roof, only being able to see my baby for short periods of time, and otherwise looking at him through the glass. I had to stop letting the negativity win. I had to keep myself from letting it rule me.
Bonding with the baby was more important. Moments where we had our baby in the room with us, all under the watchful gaze of nurses, and we cuddled with him and kissed his tiny head. We were able to start talking about names and the future of our little baby, so tiny and helpless now. I wondered which one of us he would favor more. Already he had Ryan’s hair. And a lot of it.
We got longer and longer periods with him each time, and soon we were all curled up in the bed together, watching TV and the nurse would leave us alone. In those moments, the idea of a family really started to creep in. But so did the worry. The worry about what was going on with Ryan when he would dip out to take a call. Worry about where he was when he got off at noon and didn’t arrive at the hospital until two.
I just couldn’t get it off my mind.
19
RYAN
As one of the nurses said after our baby was born, Allison had kicked labor’s ass.
I was constantly in awe of this woman. In the months we had been together, I had watched her grow from someone on the edge and full of sadness and anxiety to a woman so strong and capable that she made me want to be a better man. She was incredible.
The subject of the baby’s name had taken a while to settle. Neither of us wanted to know what the baby was before it was born, and then when he came early, we still hadn’t finalized what our choices would be for names. They were down to just a few options, but nothing had been chosen.
Then, the day after he was born, as we stared at him through the glass in the NICU, Allison in her wheelchair and me pushing her, it just came to me. The reason he came so soon was the fire at the bread factory caused Allison to go into early labor. Why not name him after the event that brought him into the world at large?
Thus, Leonardo Beasley was born. Little Leo for short.
Leonardo Bread Company had been a staple in Murdock for years, filling the whole town with the smell of freshly baked bread every morning for decades. While it would be a while before the factory was up and running again, it seemed a fitting name for the baby, and as soon as Allison heard it, she loved the idea of naming him Leo.
Allison had been so strong, handling the very small amounts of time we got with Leo so well that I had a ton of guilt about having to leave for work. But she said she understood, and while I was leaving her alone at the hospital, when we finally got to bring Leo home, I planned on rescheduling a couple of days off in a row, even if it meant working eight or nine straight afterwards.
If everything worked out the way I was trying to make it happen, it would be well worth it. For everybody. It was going to be tough, I knew, but it was doable. I just had to keep my trap shut about it until everything was in place.
Speaking of, that day was of particular importance. There was some information I was waiting on and was going to get in person. That meant not letting Allison know about it and finding a way to do it without her getting suspicious. As it was, I felt like she was starting to notice the phone calls and the longer than usual days at work. But the desire to surprise her was so strong that I felt like the worry and anxiety and confusion would be worth the reveal when it came.
