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As if I can do that.
Is this what it’s like, being pregnant? Baby brain? That’s a thing, right? Funny, I never paid much attention when my brothers partners were having their kids.
Even though I was exhausted during my shift, when I step through the door into my empty apartment, I’m suddenly wired. My pulse is pounding a million miles an hour and I can barely breathe as a second wind takes a hold of me. Though I know why—it’s not excitement, it’s fear of the unknown. I have no idea how Alec’s going to react when I give him the news.
It could go so many different ways it makes my head spin.
Pacing back and forth, I try to come up with a script. I want to be as unemotional and matter-of-fact as possible. I need to relay the details in a calm, professional fashion, and focus on solutions. I practice the words again and again in my head, until I have them committed to memory.
But every time I say the lines in my head, they feel false. Like they’re from some made-up story or the plot of a movie. Every so often, I realize it’s really happening to me.
And every time that realization hits me over the head, I become a little more certain.
My mind is made up.
The doorbell buzzes at five after ten. To me, “five after” is a dead giveaway that someone is trying to be “fashionably late” but in reality was probably was sitting around counting the moments. When I open the door and see Alec dressed in his best, hair wet from a shower, smelling delicious, I know what he’s expecting.
But I have news for him.
Fortunately it doesn’t take long for him to realize the error of his assumption.
He takes one look at me, still in my work uniform, my hair piled in a messy bun, smelling like garlic and grease, and his smile falls. “You did say tonight, yeah?”
“Yep.” I open the door wider. “Come in. We have to talk.”
He drags his hand through his damp hair, never taking his attention off me for a second, as if he’s looking for a hint or a sign about what this is regarding.
“I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to say it.” Folding my arms, I gather a long, deep breath and look him in the eyes. “I’m pregnant.”
He lets out a laugh, but in the midst of it, his whole life must flash in front of his eyes, because he cuts it short. Next, he pulls at the collar of his shirt, as if it’s too tight. And then his eyes fall to the ground. He hasn’t said a word, but I can tell he’s got about a thousand questions swirling in that big old head of his.
“It’s pretty early, obviously,” I say. “But I’m sure. I’ve taken four tests. I’ll make another doctor’s appointment, soon, where I’ll have an ultrasound.”
He swallows hard, then opens his mouth. Only nothing comes out. Alec was always such a silver-tongued devil. He could always think of what to say. Speechless Alec is an Alec I’ve yet to meet.
“Anyway, I’ve made up my mind that I’m keeping it. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and I haven’t met the right person yet, so I figure why not just do it on my own? My mom and brothers are close by if I need anything. And—”
“Wait, wait, wait. Slow down,” he finally speaks. “Why are you assuming I’d want nothing to do with it?”
I blink. “Why would I think otherwise? When we were younger, you always said kids were annoying and you were never going to have them.”
“So I’m beholden to the shit I used to say when I didn’t know anything about anything?” he scratches his temple as he makes a fine point.
“I just want you to know I don’t expect anything from you,” I say. “Nor do I want anything from you.”
“Don’t.” He angles his head, his brows meeting.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t push me away,” he says. “Just because I let you down in the past, doesn’t mean I’m going to again.”
“You say a lot of really nice things.” I lick my lips. “But at the end of the day, they’re just words. And words are cheap. And I’ve fallen for your lines before. I can’t do it again. This is bigger than us, Alec.”
“You’re right,” he says. “It is bigger than us, so let’s put our differences and our past behind us and do what’s best for the baby.”
“See, you sound so convincing,” I say. “And you’re saying exactly what I want to hear. I want to believe you mean it, I just …”
“You don’t have to believe anything I say. All I ask is you let me prove it. Give me a chance to be the person you need me to be.” His gaze falls to my lips, and I’m tempted to take a step back. Now is not the time for any of that, even if it would momentarily make me feel better. “Give me a chance to show you I’ve changed.”
