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His bare shoulders stiffen, and his jaw sets. He looks away. “Yeah. I guess if you want, we can stop.”
Alec never liked Jonathan. Part of me always thought it was because when Jonathan joined up with my brothers, Alec got muscled out of their friendship. Not completely. But enough to make him feel displaced. But now that I know how he felt about me, all those years ago … I guess it makes sense that he was jealous that Jonathan and I were happy together.
Whatever it is, it’s water under the bridge. Jonathan’s gone. Alec doesn’t have him to worry about.
“Thank you,” I say.
I pull myself up and get ready, making sure I have enough saltines in my purse, though my morning sickness isn’t as bad as it once was. I direct Alec to make a stop at Shaw’s so I can get some flowers, and then we head to Sapphire Shores’ only cemetery. It’s a small place on a bluff overlooking the ocean, down a long, narrow dirt road. The place lot is empty when we pull in.
Removing my seatbelt, I look over at him. He’s wearing his sunglasses, leaning his head back, as if trying to catch some sleep.
“I’ll be back in a little bit,” I tell him.
“Take your time.”
Pushing open the door of his truck, I step out onto the gravel road, then make my way up the path I’ve come to know by heart. Luckily, a few days of warm weather have sucked up the melted snow and hardened the ground, so my feet don’t sink into the soft earth. New grass, electric green, is starting to poke up everywhere, and the air smells like pine needles and the Atlantic.
Jonathan’s grave is at the very end of the last path, against a moss-covered picket fence. Beyond that and a line of scraggly evergreens is the drop-off to the ocean. His grave is one of the newer ones; still glossy and legible, standing upright rather than tilted like the ones around it. There’s a small mound of melted snow at its base, where the sun never hits.
I move it aside and lay the flowers down, wondering if I’m the first to be here this year. Jonathan’s parents moved south after his death. Too many bad memories, I guess.
Looking back at the truck, I can barely see it among all the new foliage. The birds are singing up in the trees, signaling spring is coming, so I sit back on the grass and kick off my ballet flats, running my toes through the new grass.
“Hi, Jon.” I say, as if we were together again, locked in an embrace. He and I used to sit at the beach together, holding each other for hours as we watched the tide roll in and out. When I used to picture our future together, I never thought of it this way—me above ground, him below. I pick up a blade of grass and start to play with it. “So, crazy story. Remember Alec? Long story short, I’m having his baby. Yeah, I know, you didn’t really like him, and the feeling was mutual. But he’s changed, I think. And I think I might be falling in love with him.”
I pluck a strand of new grass, tickling the soft blade against my palm.
“I know, I know, it’s crazy,” I continue. “But it feels good. Right, you know? I don’t know. It might be in my head. I don’t even really know, Alec might just be caught up in the excitement, but so far, he's been amazing and for the first time in forever, I’m actually hopeful for the future. And it’s different than the way I felt with Mason. With him I always felt like I was living some fairy-tale that couldn’t possibly feel real, it didn’t feel like my life. This feels like it’s my life, though. Despite it not being planned, I’m at peace with it. Like it’s … I don’t know. Meant to be?”
I realize my voice is rising, so I turn around to see if Alec has decided to join me. But no, I’m alone here. I can barely see into the window of the truck, but he’s not looking my way. In fact, I think he’s asleep.
“Anyway, I think if you knew Alec now, you’d like him. I think you two would be friends. And I guess I came here because … it really would mean a lot to me to know that you’re looking down, and that you approve. That you’re happy I’m happy. That you think I’m making the right choice for me, to keep Alec in my life. I know, it’s not the way I planned it, but since when does anything ever go according to plan for me?”
I pause. I’m not waiting for a response. Or maybe I am. Just a little sign that he’s happy with me and that he’s listening.
