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As I’m trying to burn through Jo March’s adventures, I feel a little strange. At first, I think maybe I ate something that disagreed with me, because it’s a little tight in my middle. My belly has been bulging more and more, and now I have to wear maternity pants with elastic waistbands. I press on the side of my stomach, and there’s a slight, bubbling feeling, a flickering that disappears as quickly as it came. I stop, waiting to feel it again, just to be sure.
I know what that is. I’ve been waiting for you.
I still, closing my eyes, flattening my hand, trying to feel it again. This time, when it comes, it feels even more sure, stronger.
“Oh,” I whisper.
Alec is sitting on the other end of the couch, watching a hockey game with my feet in his lap.
He looks over at me. “You going to throw up again?”
I shake my head. I haven’t thrown up in over a month, but I guess it emotionally scarred him because it was in his bathroom and he had to clean it up.
“No,” I say, forcefully grabbing his hand and resting it on my belly.
He waits for a beat, two. Then he says. “What? Are you getting bigger?”
I grab the pillow from behind my back and wallop him over the head with it.
“Just feel it. Can you feel it? It’s moving,” I say, trying to track the movement with his fingertips.
His eyes go wider, and I think he gets the picture because when he touches my stomach again, he really concentrates. Then he shakes his head. “Did you feel something?”
“Yeah, it was like little bubbles … or butterflies …” I say with excitement, grabbing my phone and opening it to the app I have. “Oooh. Listen to this. You may be able to feel quickening, that is, the baby’s movement. Soon, other people will be able to feel the movement if they touch your belly. The baby is the size of an avocado! Her eyes can work! And oh … soon, she’ll be able to hear your voice!”
He peers over at the app. “She?”
“I think it’s a girl. That’s my gut feeling.”
With his hand still on my belly, he leans in. “Yo, Flossie. You hearing this?”
I grin. “So you’re warming to the name?”
“No. I still think it’s terrible. I keep imagining dental floss. But I thought Stassi was a terrible name, too.”
“Seriously?” I smack him with the pillow again.
“Remember how we called you Spastic? Static Cling?”
“I wish I could forget.”
“But I can’t see you being named anything else. And now … it’s not just a name. It’s you. I think Shakespeare said something about it. What’s in a name? Right? By any other name, you’d be just as sweet.”
“So you don’t mind Florence?”
“I’m undecided. But I don’t mind Ollie. I actually kind of like that one. It’s growing on me.” He tickles my stomach, and I start to giggle as I read more about our sixteen-week old baby. “Oh. Hey. Remember Carlina?”
My good mood suddenly disintegrates. A few weeks ago, he hadn’t even remembered her. Or so it seemed.
“What about her?” I ask.
He’s leaning back, pretending it’s no big deal, but he’s also sucking on the inside of his cheek. I know him. It means something. There’s something behind this. And all I can do is think back to Carlina Smith, the gorgeous, raven-haired stick with boobs, who had every boy wagging his tongue after her. And yet she was dating Alec. Of course she was—he was the most popular guy in her graduating class, and she was the female equivalent. She was on the swim team and used to bounce around in her bathing suit, her double Ds on display for everyone. As a flat-as-a-board freshman, I used to eye her from my bench in the locker room and wish …
And then, I remember looking out that June evening, watching him with my brothers and their dates. He put a corsage on the strap of Carlina’s tiny slip dress and kissed her, wrapping an arm around her like she belonged to him. I was so jealous, I wanted to die.
That entire night, while Alec and my brothers were enjoying their senior prom, I was at home, burying my face in a pillow and wishing that could’ve been me on his arm. It didn’t help that I knew, because I snooped on my brothers, that they were all planning on renting hotel rooms and bringing their dates there after the prom. I knew Alec would do that with Carlina. He’d take her there, tell her how beautiful she was as he slowly undressed her, stare deep into her eyes, make love to her …
I wanted so badly for it to be me.
And I hated that I felt that way about him.
But I couldn’t fight the feelings, no matter how hard I tried.
