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“I’m sure it’s fine. I just… I wanted to make sure you two weren’t having any problems?” she ventures quietly.
“No,” I say. “Everything’s great. He told me all about it. I knew. He wasn’t trying to sneak around or do anything behind my back. I’m fine with it. He even asked for permission.”
“All right. I figured that. I just wanted to …” She laughs. “Forget I said anything.”
When I end the call, there’s a text waiting for me, from Alec. He’s been at work since this morning.
Alec: Good breakfast?
I smile. I’m never off his mind.
But then again, we haven’t defined anything. We never talked about it. The last time we had that conversation and labeled ourselves, we decided on co-parents. Or at least, I did.
No … the last time he talked about it, he said he wanted me to be his.
And I want that, too. I want to belong to him.
But then it’s things like this … little things … that put doubt in my mind. If I hadn’t been so oblivious with Mason, maybe I’d have seen the warning signs sooner.
No. There are no warning signs. I know Alec. I know what he did when we were younger was because of his parents and his inability to process how he felt about me. Whatever happened with Carlina was innocent. I’m sure of it. I’ll tell Cooper that on Sunday and make sure he understands that there’s no way Alec is going to hurt me. We’re solid.
And maybe while I’m convincing my brothers, I’ll be able to convince myself, too.
Alec
Sunday at 1 pm, we pull into the cul-de-sac and our childhood homes come into view.
Stassi shifts uncomfortably in the passenger seat. She’s nervous; she hasn’t said a word all morning and is clutching her homemade whoopie pies for dear life on her lap.
“Hey. It’s going to be okay,” I tell her.
She looks over at me.
“If your whoopie pies suck, we can just buy them from Shaw’s from now on.”
She scowls at me. “You’re hilarious. Come on.”
I step out of the car, looking over at my old house. Whoever lives there built an addition over the garage, and so now it blocks out even more of the Huttons’ view than it did before. It’s square and imposing and looks even more like an impenetrable fortress than when I lived there, something I didn’t think possible. The solid, high fence with a gate screams STAY AWAY.
Guess the Huttons never had much luck with neighbors.
When I step inside the Huttons’ saltbox, I want it to feel like I’m home. Like I’m part of this family. That was how I felt, overwhelmingly, a couple months ago, when I was here last. But it must be the nerves, that feeling of betraying my two best friends, because I don’t. Back then, everyone hadn’t seen me in a while, and so they crowded around me. Now, they wave, and the boys joke with me, friendly as ever, but I can’t fight the feeling that something is wrong. That I did something wrong.
That I don’t belong here. And if I don’t belong in this place, this place that was a refuge all my life … where do I belong?
Stassi’s nervous as hell, too, because she barely says a word before supper, and when we sit down to eat, she picks through the antipasto for all the olives, but only eats a couple before pushing her plate away.
Luckily, most of the attention is on Bodie, Cooper and Abby’s new baby. It seems to have taken the pressure off us.
Not that it helps much. When the spaghetti comes, though I usually inhale it, I can barely look at it. I don’t have any desire to drink wine, though I know it’ll help me with my nerves.
It’s all fun, meaningless banter until Cooper says, “So, dude, you and Carlina are back together now?”
My insides clench. Why the hell did I decide to go out with Carlina? What was I thinking? I had no interest in catching up with her or reliving the old times. It was warped to expect she’d want to help me quiet Stassi’s worries about me. She only wanted one thing—me.
“No.” I wipe my mouth with my napkin, exchange a look with Stassi, and begin to speak.
But Aidan gets there before I can. “Are you out of your mind? I heard she was single. And it’s like you two belong together. You dated all through high school.”
“Yeah … and back then, I realized she’s not my type.”
Aidan says, “Since when?”
“Since always.”
Cooper laughs. “Dude. She’s every guy’s type.”
Next to me, Stassi stiffens. I expect she will kick me, but instead, she says, “He’s not dating her. Actually … Alec and I … we …”
She casts a look around the table and words fail her.
I need to get this out. I don’t have much time, knowing their knee-jerk reactions to things. I probably won’t get a chance to explain. I need to do this fast.
