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No, I didn’t, did I? I wasn’t sure how to do that with anyone who wasn’t Marcus, Parker, or Declan, but Spencer made me want to try.
I curled up next to him, buried myself into his side, throwing one leg over his. Our dicks were both soft, this moment not about sex but about two people getting to know each other.
So I told him about Marcus. “He’s our rock, really, but he would never admit it. He’s been there for all the Beach Bums. We’re all there for each other, of course, but Marcus more than the rest.”
“And you’re sure you don’t have feelings for him?” Spencer fed me a bite of cracker and cheese, which I easily took from him.
“No. God no. He is my absolute favorite person to annoy, though.”
Spencer chuckled. “I thought that was me.” It was said playfully, like he was mostly just trying to say I drove him nuts, but little did he know he was quickly becoming my favorite person to annoy. I never thought anyone would be able to hold that title except Marcus.
“Maybe you’re coming for him.” I winked, then added, “He was my first kiss, but before you start thinking anything sordid, we were teenagers. I’d been feeling like shit about myself. I’d also secretly been talking to this boy from school. I thought he was gay and liked me, but it was a prank. I went to meet him, thought he was going to kiss me, but there was a bunch of other kids there. They started teasing me, calling me fat and making fun of me. It was…one of the worst moments of my life. I went to Marcus afterward. He told me I was beautiful and he loved me, and like I said before, he was the first person who made me feel like they completely loved me for me, so I knew my first kiss should be him.”
“I’ve never wanted to throat-punch a kid more,” Spencer growled. “I was always heavier. Kids were shits to me too.”
But Spencer didn’t let it affect him the way I did. He didn’t let it control everything he did.
“How…”
“How what?” he asked, offering me another bite, but I shook my head.
“How did you not internalize it? How did it not become something that’s on your mind all the time, even when you pretend it’s not?” Because it was with me. I wasn’t proud of that, but it was true.
“I don’t know. We’re all different. There were times it hurt—a lot—especially when I was younger, but I just don’t see things the same as you. I like my body, and I like who I am. Does my weight bother you?”
“What? No. Fuck no. I love how soft you are, the way it feels to be surrounded by you. And even before that, I thought you were sexy as hell.” I lifted my arm and played with a lock of his blond hair.
“I think the bigger question is, why can you see beauty in me regardless of my size, but not in yourself? I don’t think it’s just your weight, baby. I think you have a hard time loving all the parts of yourself, but it mostly comes out in body image and beauty for you.”
“So I really am a superficial guy who only cares about looks?” I asked playfully, but the question rang true in my head. Please tell me it’s not true.
“No. Not at all. You’re someone the world made feel bad about themselves. Someone who would never put the same standards or rules on others that you put on yourself. You’re so damn hard on yourself, and no one deserves it less. I wish you saw yourself the way I see you.”
How? I wanted to ask, but couldn’t make the word come out. “I’m trying.”
“I know.”
This time when he held out a piece of food for me, I took it from his fingers, wanting to make him proud, and I had to admit, I was hungry.
“The guys want to meet you again, by the way. We’re supposed to plan a day for you to go to Marcus’s with everyone.”
Spencer chuckled. “Ah, so I’m getting put through the best-friend test. Should I be worried?”
“I mean, maybe,” I teased. Kinda teased. Marcus would be hard for him to win over. “Does that bother you?”
“No. I’m glad you have people who love you so much. You deserve it, and I’ll just have to show them I’m good for you.”
“You are.” I leaned in and kissed him. I liked Spencer so, so much. I’d never liked someone the way I did him. But can he ever really like me as much? Especially if I can’t even find a way to like myself?
I ignored that voice. Life was much easier that way.
“What about you? Tell me something about you.”
