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“Baby…I’m sorry.”
“Me too. It helps to talk about these things now, though. Imani seems to think spending my life holding it all in wasn’t healthy.”
“Imagine that.” I smiled. “You miss them?” I asked, more seriously.
“Yes and no. They’re my family, so I do, but I’ve spent less and less time with them the older I got, so it’s also hard to miss something you didn’t really have.”
My heart hurt for him. I grabbed his waist, holding on to him and pulling him forward. Corbin came easily, straddling my lap. “I’m sorry they aren’t who you deserve. Maybe if you talked to them?” When he shook his head, I changed direction. “I’m glad you have the Beach Bums. And now you have the Poddies and me.”
Corbin wrapped his arms around me and answered with a kiss. My hands traveled up and down his back, while Corbin’s tongue took possession of my mouth. “I love you.” He pressed his forehead to mine.
“I love you too.”
“Good. Now let’s moisturize, then it’s my turn for you to clean my face, and then I want you naked in bed.”
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Corbin
“So now you’re ordained?” Imani asked after I told her about getting ready for Parker and Elliott’s wedding.
“Yep!” I beamed. It didn’t matter to me that they were already married. If I was performing this ceremony, I was doing it right. Plus, maybe this would be something I did now. It could be fun.
“Good for you,” she replied, and then we chatted a bit before getting into the hard stuff. “How do you feel your progress with food is coming along?”
I shrugged. “Better, I think. Spencer and I are making weekly meal plans like you suggested. We go shopping together every Sunday morning before I go to Marcus’s to record The Vers. Keeping it real…sometimes I do skip meals, and I’ve also tried to forget a few times, but Spencer doesn’t fall for that.” I chuckled, but then it melted into appreciation. He was so fucking supportive. I’d been lucky enough to be blessed with the best friends in the world, and now I had the best boyfriend. Maybe that said something about me too. Maybe I was doing something right. If I really were so bad, I wouldn’t have those incredible people who loved me. “I’m also trying to come up with a schedule on social media so I post less. I turned off comments too. I still scrutinize every aspect of the photo and wonder what people think, but I’m trying.” As small as the steps felt, I was moving forward. I felt better than I had in a long time, maybe ever.
“It’s a process. Nothing changes overnight. It takes consistent work, which you’re putting in. You should be proud of yourself, Corbin. Slow and steady. You got this.”
I grinned. “I mean…is it really a surprise? I’m pretty awesome.”
“You are.”
From there, Imani went a little deeper into how my struggles with food and body image were tied to my self-esteem and connected to my family. This wasn’t the first time we were discussing it, and even before she and I had started working through my complicated feelings about my family, I’d known that was true.
“Have you talked to them?”
“My mom has tried. My siblings and I haven’t spoken at all, but that’s nothing new. We live in the same town, but for as long as I can remember, I only talk to them when we’re with our parents. My brother and sister are close, but I…I just always had the Beach Bums.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Like shit,” I replied, then shrugged. “But it is what it is. Mom calls. I ignore her most of the time, but when we do talk, it’s brief and like nothing happened. We’re good at ignoring important topics in my family…or only bringing up what I do wrong.”
“Do you want to tell them how you feel? Do you want more from your relationship with them?”
I thought for a moment. The answer wasn’t clear right away. Things were confusing and complicated. What I wanted was a relationship like Spencer had with his family, like I had with them too. We’d gone over for a barbecue a week ago, and it was perfect and fun and ridiculous, three of my favorite things. That wasn’t something I could ever have with my family. We were different. I flashed back to an evening with Spencer a couple of weeks back, of telling him about sharing a skin routine with my mom and how I missed that.
“I’d like to have the best relationship with them that I can, but only if they can treat me the way I’m learning I deserve to be treated. Spencer makes me feel so good inside, that I realize how bad it was before. I want to hold on to the good stuff. I want my smiles to be real. I don’t want anyone to make me feel bad about how I am.”
