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“Because I didn’t feel like I could. Because to me, I was bullied here too.” My eyes stung, but I did my best to fight back the tears, did my best to speak around the knot in my throat and to hear past the blood rushing through my ears.
“I think that’s going a little too far,” Dad said. “We didn’t bully you. We love you, and we want what’s best for you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting you to be healthy.”
What they had done to me wasn’t healthy, though.
“Maybe that’s what it felt like to you, but that’s not how it felt to me.” No one spoke for a moment. Spencer’s hand was on my back, massaging soft circles. I felt their eyes on me. Their disappointment in me because I wasn’t like Emma and Blaine. How they wished I were someone else.
But I didn’t feel that from the man beside me. He loved me for who I was.
“I hated myself,” I admitted softly. “Sometimes I still do, but I cover it up with jokes and smiles, trying to be the most charming guy around. I tell myself I don’t feel that way if people are paying attention to me online or men want to sleep with me. I skip meals and obsess about my body, scared to put on a single pound. I defend how you make me feel because of your beliefs, and I try to pretend it doesn’t hurt because you love me, but… Love shouldn’t have a but, or an even though. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel bad about who you are, or like you’re a disappointment. Love is supposed to build you up.”
Love was Marcus telling me I was beautiful when I needed to hear it. Love was him running his fingers through my hair, while my head rested on his lap, because I was safe there. Love was Parker finding me that day when I’d tripped in marching band, and befriending the boy everyone else made fun of. It was him searching for new recipes for healthier treats just for me. Love was Declan splitting his extra cookie with me that day when Mom let him have more than me, and him trying to beat up any boy in high school who gave me shit. Love was Beach Bum hugs and hours spent laughing.
Love was Gael bringing me new books to read and asking how therapy went and sharing his journey with me.
It was Elliott praising Parker, and his willingness to stick by my friend when in the beginning, Parker didn’t feel he was worthy of Elliott’s love. It was Kai encouraging my relationship with Marcus and loving him more because of it. It was Sebastian taking Declan to Idaho and giving him a family and never expecting Dec to be anything other than who he was.
And most of all, love was Spencer holding me every single night, even before he understood why I needed it. It was him changing how he shopped to do what was good for me, and adding meal planning because it was best for me, and the fact that when I asked him to come with me today, he said yes, but also told me it was okay if I needed it to be Marcus.
Love was people who made you feel beautiful when you couldn’t see it. It wasn’t acceptance. Love was affirmation.
No one wanted to accept that the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally could be the same people who made you feel emotionally unsafe, but unless they changed, that was my truth. I wasn’t emotionally safe with them, and I had to do what was best for me.
“If we’re going to have a relationship, I need you to stop commenting on what I eat…and no jokes about chubby Corbin.”
“Okay,” Emma said. “We can do that. I didn’t realize…I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
“That’s not all,” I interrupted. “You have to accept Spencer as my partner and call him that, even to the kids. He has to be treated like family. And no asking me to go to church or telling me you’re disappointed that I don’t. I don’t want to hear how you want to spend eternity with me, but if I don’t change my ways, I’m going to hell.”
“That’s not fair, Corbin. You’re asking us to change our belief system.”
And maybe it wasn’t fair, and maybe I was asking that, but… “I have to put me first. I deserve that. It’s what I need.”
The look on their faces said it all, the way they wouldn’t look me in the eyes and didn’t speak. Tears threatened to come, but I fought them off. I had love in my life, with or without them, if they couldn’t give it to me. Maybe one day, but not yet. As much as that hurt, I would deal with it.
