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“Piper made it clear that if we got married, I’d get to adopt Blake.”
“That’s it, then?”
It was a blessing and a curse, wasn’t it? There would never be a “that’s it” where Joel was concerned. Which had given me years of heartache and countless bursts of rage. I’d felt too much and nothing at all. I’d lost memories at the bottom of one too many bottles, I’d closed myself off, I’d let myself turn into a bitter old bastard, and…then another year had gone by, and I’d had to see him at Blake’s birthday party. Once again, over and over, opening up the wounds.
Rinse and repeat.
“Yeah, just take whatever rooms you find empty,” I heard Danny say outside. “Come to bed, Em. We need an hour.”
I scrubbed a hand over my face and glanced over at Joel’s bed across the room.
“I was talking about Blake, you stupid fuck.”
Piper wasn’t the girl he couldn’t live without. It was Blake.
How tragically poetic—my wildest dreams coming true mere hours after I’d stood before him underneath a helicopter, cursing him out, grinning without humor, confessing I hated him because he should’ve fucking chosen me.
I was a coward. Verbally honest when he couldn’t hear me.
He sniffled again, followed by an unsteady breath.
I couldn’t take it any longer. Nothing between us was healed or fixed or…whatever. But I desperately needed a break from it all. I didn’t even envy the perfect love stories we were surrounded by, whether it was a brand-new one like Crew and Mercier, or one dating back twenty-five years like Emerson and Danny. I was just drowning in sorrow. Grief had a tight, painful grip on my chest, because that should’ve been Joel and me.
On the other hand…his love for Blake transcended our tragedy. She was my universe too, and she couldn’t have landed a better father than Joel. I only had to man the fuck up and tell him that.
Nerves and anxiousness wreaked havoc in my stomach for a few seconds, before I found the balls and sat up.I have to. I can’t take this anymore. My feet landed on the linoleum floor, and I got up from the creaky twin bed I’d slept in every time I’d been here.
A simple nightstand separated our beds, and I had just enough time to debate whether I should put on my sweats or if only boxer briefs were—oh, fuck it.
“Scoot.” I lifted his covers and got in next to him. “We can go back to hating each other when the sun is up.”
He cleared his throat and rolled over, visibly frazzled, and he pressed his back against the wall. Gaze disoriented and glassy.
“What’re you doing?” he croaked.
Wasn’t it obvious?
My heart beat a little faster as I got comfortable on my side and pulled him to me, and maybe he didn’t need an answer beyond that. He fused himself to my body, sending ripples of shivers through both of us. He was finally in my arms. He burrowed his face against my sternum, slipping an arm around my middle, and I held him tightly and kissed the top of his head.
“Don’t call me weak.”
“I’m not. I’m calling you a parent.” I took a deep breath and felt him relax against me. Fuck, I couldn’t describe how good it felt to hold him this close. To feel his skin on mine. “Get some sleep.”
He nodded minutely and exhaled.
The heaviest calm washed over me, unlike anything I’d felt in years. It silenced the chaos in my head and eased every ache in my body.
I had to be more open with him. It was becoming abundantly clear that he’d been hurting as much as I had, and that couldn’t go on.
I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to his hair again.
“The reason I couldn’t be near Piper after Blake was taken was because it hurt too much,” I murmured. “I was angry I couldn’t protect my niece.”
Joel took a breath and hitched a leg over my hip. “I know.”
“But it’s worse when it’s you,” I admitted. “I hate seeing you upset—especially when I can’t do anything about it.”
He eased back and propped himself up on an elbow on the pillow, so I did the same.
