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Chapter 33
Bash
I was hitting the cymbals too forcefully, adding way too much fill, rushing through the rhythms, and generally playing without focus. Drumming always felt therapeutic to me, but I usually saved the real therapy sessions for when I played solo, not in front of the guys.
They’d each shot me a few looks as we practiced, but no one had said anything. Lately, we’d been practicing together as a band about three times a week. We didn’t have to, but we all enjoyed getting together and making music. Most of what we were doing was unstructured fooling around. We hardly played any of our own music; we’d done lots of jamming to our favorite bands and even messing around with some new material. The atmosphere was generally relaxed, and it made for some fun sessions together.
Drumming had become the only time when I could escape my thoughts. When I wasn’t drumming, I was still mourning the loss of Lacey in my life. That’s the only way I could describe it. Mourning. Almost a month later, I still wasn’t over her.
I was depressed as fuck. No matter how many times I told myself I was doing the right thing for myself and my son, I was miserable. I couldn’t help but worry that I’d thrown away something so amazing without even fighting for it.
When Kody first showed up on Sid’s and my doorstep, I walked away from the responsibility. It was a decision that I’d regret for the rest of my life. By far, it was the biggest mistake I’d ever made in a long list of blunders. I looked back and hated myself for being so weak. And Kody had turned out to be the best thing in my life.
Was I doing it again? Was I walking away from Lacey because she scared me so much? I was supposed to be the ‘dominant’ one in our power play games, but it was frightening how much power she held over me. Was I too damn afraid to embrace something that could be real love?
I’d brutally cut myself free from the hold she had over me, but I felt no freedom. This morning should have squelched any lingering sense of responsibility I felt toward her. It should have concluded our story. Period. I was now free to do whatever the fuck I wanted. Instead, that official envelope had sent me into a tailspin.
Our divorce was finalized.
My last tether to Lacey had been cut.
I launched into an aggressive beat down on my drum set, not realizing that at some point, the others stopped playing. I ended the manic solo with a jaw-jarring crash of cymbals.
Ghost looked at me contemplatively as the ringing sound vibrated in the air and called for a break. Knox went to the fridge and grabbed some beers to pass out. “Looks like we could all use one.”
I wiped my face with a hand towel and then took a beer from Knox. I guzzled half of it down, trying to calm my thoughts and cool off.
Ghost slapped Ryder on the shoulder. “How is Zoe doing?”
Zoe was Ryder and Talia’s daughter. The last time I’d seen her, a few months ago, she was just learning to walk. She’d been determined to keep up with Kody, which was near impossible for anyone.
Ryder rubbed his face. “She’s okay. Running around as if nothing happened. Somehow she learned that if she lets out a high-pitched, glass-shattering scream, we all come running. It’s been fun.”
I really looked at Ryder and noticed the dark circles under his red-rimmed eyes and his unusually pale skin. He looked tired. “What happened to Zoe?”
I saw a momentary flicker of fear in Ryder’s eyes, but then he schooled his expression. “She was sliding down from the couch and banged her head against a plastic princess castle. It sliced open a nasty cut on her forehead. She had to get stitches. We were in the ER for hours, which was brutal with a baby.”
“Fuck, poor kid,” I sympathized.
“Head wounds bleed a lot. Just so you guys all know.” Ryder laughed shakily. “It was like a crime scene.”
I looked around the room. Everyone already knew what happened except for me. “Wait, is there some kind of group text that I’m not on? How come everyone knows about this except me?”
Ghost sat down on the couch and stretched out his long legs. “The girls all have a group chat. That’s how I found out. Didn’t Lacey tell you?”
My stomach jolted at the sound of her name. “No,” I answered simply, and then stood up and walked around to the front of the drum set to distract myself.
Knox took the other spot on the couch, leaving me and Sid stuck with stools. “How’s Kody doing? He must be getting the cast off soon?”
I grabbed one of the stools and dragged it closer to the guys. “He still has at least another two weeks with the cast on. I can’t wait to give him a bath without worrying about getting that damn thing wet. Then he has to get the screws removed and probably wear a brace for a bit.”
Knox scrunched up his nose. “Screws removed? I don’t remember having to do that when I broke my arm.”
I shrugged. “I guess it depends on the type of break.”
Sid pointed his beer bottle at me and laughed. “Do you remember when you fell out of that tree and broke your collarbone?”
Kody’s injury had brought that memory back to me. “Yeah, it had to be wrapped and my arm was in a sling. It felt like it took forever to heal. I couldn’t drum or do anything. It was impossible to sleep comfortably at night.”
