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So, I’d come to trust him implicitly with my physical well-being, but I couldn’t fully invest in an emotional relationship with him. I was still probably overthinking everything. The hamster wheel in my brain was always spinning. The only time it ever stopped was during playtime and sometimes aftercare. As soon as I left the building with the secret sex dungeon, the wheel started up again.
Even as a tiny seed of doubt was growing within, outside of our sessions, I started to think about Daddy constantly. Obsessing about him was slowly overtaking my days. He was becoming more important than work, friends, and my own needs, goals, and desires outside of the bedroom. I craved his affection. I craved his praise. When we were together, I’d do anything to please him. At this point, I was flexible putty in his hands.
It wasn’t how I thought this would all work out, and it frightened me. For my own sanity, I needed to leave. I was getting in way too deep emotionally, and I knew I had to cut loose before I got hurt.
I refused to lose sight of myself. I wanted to be the center of someone’s universe. Someone who loved me and only me. I wanted someone to share my life with, get married, and create a beautiful family together. I wanted that so much more than I wanted handcuffs and spankings.
My mind was spinning. I was so deep in thought that I didn’t hear the door open.
“Why are you still dressed?”
I turned around, and I felt the first pang of my determination crumbling. “I wanted to talk.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “About?”
He wasn’t pleased, and that automatically had my heart thumping with agitation. I didn’t like to displease him. “After the last few sessions, I didn’t feel that good about everything. About us.”
He frowned. “We talked about that, Baby Girl. I explained it to you. That’s sub-drop.”
Hearing him call me, Baby Girl gouged out a piece of my heart. I knew he cared for me in his own way, but it wasn’t enough. That was why this was going to be so hard. No part of me wanted to walk away, but I’d determined it was necessary. My self-preservation was instinctual and real truths had to be faced.
“I’m talking about something else. Not sub-drop. I’m talking about long-term emotions. You’ve been an amazing teacher, but I’ve realized that I need something different. Something more.”
“I’ll give you the moon, Baby Girl. Just tell me what it is you want.” He looked so earnest when he said it; it tore another crack in my heart.
“Being loved is not enough. I need 100% from a partner. I need to own it all. Every fiber of their being. Every thought. Every breath. I need it 24/7 and I won’t share with anyone.” I felt my eyes brimming with tears as watched his face.
His chest heaved with a sigh. I didn’t think he understood me completely. Even if I could have articulated it perfectly, he wasn’t made the same way. He might not have understood what I was feeling, but he absorbed everything I said and knew we were over.
Resignation dawned in his eyes. “You can contact me anytime through the app. I’ll always be here for you, Baby Girl. Sometimes, daddies have to let their baby girls go.”
Fuck, this felt like a real breakup. It hurt. Deep. Tears spilled from my eyes and then he was wrapping me in his comforting arms.
He didn’t fight for me; I hadn’t expected him to. It only confirmed I was making the right decision. If he had dropped it all for me, I would have stayed with him, but that was never going to happen. He was just losing a client while my whole world felt like it was imploding. That wasn’t entirely fair, but I wasn’t feeling very magnanimous at the moment.
It felt like I’d been knocked down and dragged through not only mud, but through shards of glass, then impaled on a cactus, and put through a meat grinder. But I’d get back up again. It was smart of me to end it now before I got in any deeper.
I’d be back to square one — which was nowhere — on the relationship front, but who cared? I wasn’t one to sit around and wait for life to happen to me; I took what I wanted. This BDSM experiment had sidetracked me so that I never pursued the fertility avenue.
Having a baby wasn’t a simple decision, but one that I should think about now that I wasn’t distracted by my Daddy Dom. My biological clock was still ticking away; I wasn’t getting any younger. All of this love and need I had could be put into a baby. I could do it by myself. If my career had to take a backseat — hell, if I had to give it up — so be it.
I pulled out of Daddy’s arms. “Thank you for understanding.”
His arms dropped to his sides, and he smiled sadly. “You’re still chasing nirvana?”
“I guess I am.”
He studied me for a long moment, caressing me with his eyes. “I release you.”
Huh? I thought I was releasing him.
I tilted my head playfully. “I release you.” Giving him a wink, I walked out the door.
I heard him chuckle as I headed for the exit.
Chapter 9
Bash
