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My 34th birthday was coming up. It had crept up on me silently until suddenly, the realization slammed me in the face.
I’d spent my twenties proving to the world that I’d earned my position in my father’s company through merit, not nepotism. I’d climbed the corporate ladder until I was running the A&R department. Even though I was called a savant at finding and signing talent, it came down to more than natural ability and instinct. I’d worked my ass off.
I was known as a barracuda in the industry and I wore my success and confidence like a shield around my heart. Thoughts of babies or families never crossed my mind. I used men sexually and needed nothing else from them. I sowed my wild oats and had no regrets.
In my early thirties, I began noticing people around me pairing off. Getting married. Starting families. I felt nothing but a smug satisfaction that I was better than them. Stronger. I’d been promoted to Executive Vice President of Castle Music. I was at the top of the food chain. Revered and feared by most of the company. Women hated me because I took what I wanted. Men hated me because they wanted to be like me. Did. not. care.
I’m not sure when I started questioning everything. Maybe it was after I’d spent another lonely night after I’d kicked a man out of my bed. Maybe it was after one of the many dalliances I’d had with the members of the rock bands I worked with. After I’d tangled with a few members of Ghost Parker, a noticeable disquiet started seeping in. I’d felt a pang of rejection. It was foreign and ugly. I didn’t like it. That was the first hairline crack in the armor.
In a frenzy to bury these insecurities, I started seeing a 22-year-old, hot-as-fuck, bad-boy rocker. He was covered in tats and attitude, with a body to match. His infatuation with me was like a balm to my bruised ego. He couldn’t stop coming back for more and he kept me extremely satisfied.
Until I walked in on him fucking a girl. A young, dumb girl. Someone who’d so far achieved nothing in life except existing. The girl squeaked like a mouse when she saw me. Without missing a thrust, he asked me if I wanted to join in. God, I felt every one of my 30+ years at that moment.
I wasn’t devastated or mad, more like letdown. My ego checked hard. I was surprised to realize that I felt this possessive towards him. I couldn’t blame him too much. He had no concept that I might actually feel any emotion. It was twisted, but I never showed any vulnerabilities to a man. He fucked her simply because he could; we’d never talked about being exclusive. There was nothing real between us. I ended up signing his band to Castle and then making sure never to cross paths with him again.
That was a moment of revelation. An epiphany. I didn’t love him, but something that we had was important to me and it wasn’t sex. I went through what I classified as a minor heartbreak.
On the other side of that moment, I became more human. Right about that time was when I helped Kaylie through some rough times. I’d never had a friend before, but now she was my best friend who’d co-founded an amazing charity, Cyber Angels, with me. She’d gone through a lot, but now she was married to a man I had a brief hot fling with long ago.
After my epiphany with the hot rocker, I decided to settle down. As I did with everything else in my life, I methodically approached my new relationship goals. I was looking for commitment.
I found the guy who checked off all my boxes: successful, attractive, charismatic, assertive, social, driven, mature, and not involved in the music industry. Theo was all of those things, and he wasn’t threatened by my success. I’d never been swept away by romance before, and it was exhilarating. He was always telling me how gorgeous I was and how lucky he was to find me. He even called me ‘beautiful’ as a nickname, and it made my heart melt each time he said it. And the cherry on top — he was extremely skilled in bed. I was smitten. I really thought he could be the one.
Until we went sailing on a yacht with his work buddies, who he was trying to impress. I thought there would be some other women there, but it ended up being me and him with three other guys.
He’d asked me to wear a particular bathing suit that was his favorite. The suit was almost obscene with how little skin it covered. I protested. That suit wasn’t something I usually paraded around in. Somehow, he managed to convince me. He told me I had a rocking body, and he wanted to show me off. All the other girls would look hot, so I couldn’t show up wearing some frumpy get-up.
I reluctantly went along with it, but then felt uncomfortable when there were only guys on the boat and they were all ogling me like a piece of meat. I’d never been shy about my body, but something about the whole thing felt off.
The entire afternoon, Theo was plying me with drinks. I almost suspected that he was trying to get me drunk. He was so insistent that I’d started dumping them overboard when no one was watching.
I closed my eyes and the horrible day came back to me with a clarity that was painful.
Theo joined me on the deck of the yacht. He handed me a new drink. I felt dizzy. The yacht was anchored, but it still swayed slightly in the waves. I hoped it was the boat moving and not all the alcohol I’d consumed. I’d been secretly tossing most of it since Theo was bent on everyone having a good time and wouldn’t take no for an answer.
The boat pitched — or was that me? — and Theo grabbed my waist as I awkwardly stumbled to keep my balance. He pulled me closer and then slid his hand into my bikini bottom.
My fingers curled around his wrist to stop him. “No, Theo. We’re not alone.”
“No one’s here right now.” He began nibbling on my ear and I could smell the alcohol on his breath.
“But they could be here at any moment.”
His hand slid up my back and before I knew what was happening, he yanked on the string that was the only thing keeping the two tiny triangles of fabric over my breasts. “You’ve got me so horny, beautiful, I can’t help it.”
I scrambled to cover my tits with my hands and he laughed.
He gently tried to pull my hands away. “You’ve got a gorgeous body. Show it off for me. Let everyone see what is mine.”
I gasped. This didn’t seem like him. “No. I don’t want to.”
“Don’t be a prude.” His hand tangled in my hair and he pulled my head up to look at him. “I want to fuck you good. Let them watch. They’ll be standing back there with their dicks in their hands while I’ve got you. I’ll fuck the shit out of you. It’ll be so good, beautiful.”
I pushed against his chest, but he didn’t even seem to notice. His other hand had encircled my waist and pulled me tight against his erection. He pulled my bikini bottom halfway down my thighs and then lightly smacked my ass with a growl. Lust was blazing in his eyes.
I tried to reason with him. “Theo, you’re drunk...”
He licked his lips. “I’ll lick your pussy while they watch. Tell me that doesn’t turn you on. I bet you’re soaked right now just thinking about it.”
