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I lost the baby.
Devastation like I have never felt courses through my body. Cries of agony pull from deep within me that I don’t even recognize the sounds that are coming from me till my throat grows hoarse. It’s too much, I can’t take the pain that is ripping me apart from the inside out. They broke my heart and left me, only for a pain twice as harsh and crippling to follow minutes later.
I sit here on the shower floor with the water on scolding hot watching the blood swirl down the drain. I feel Nathan’s gaze on me but I ignore it, he came over and found me in a ball on the floor covered in blood. The poor thing thought I was dead. Given recent events I don’t blame him for thinking that. He helped me to the bathroom after I managed to choke out that I lost the baby between sobs. Maybe it was for the best, they aren’t wrong. I would be a horrible mother, I mean what type of woman brings a child into this world when their best friend was just murdered, their other best friend was date raped and beaten. I don’t even know who the father is, I mean we’re not even a relationship per se. I’m a fucking worthless piece of shit and I deserve to have lost this sweet little baby.
“You will survive this,” he says softly.
I scoff. “I deserve to feel every ounce of this pain. This is my karma for lying and hiding this from them. I brought this upon myself.”
“You did no such thing–”
“It’s my fault! If I wasn’t such a depressed piece of shit maybe this wouldn’t have happened.” I cry harder now that I admitted that aloud.
“You have every right to feel the way you do. You get to be mad and hide away for as long as you need. Grief doesn’t have a time frame and if those two assholes couldn’t understand that, then fuck them.”
My bottom lip trembles, agony courses through me again as the memory of their cruel words plays on repeat in my mind. Even if I was honest with them from the start, I doubt their reactions would have been any different. I know Saint never wanted kids because of how his father raised him. He’s terrified he will end up being like his dad and he doesn’t want his kid to feel unloved. Crue, he’s too scared to have a child in case he or she judges him for who he chooses to love. It’s not like either of them came from a loving family, shit, my own family is fucked up and judgmental. My father thinks I’m still a virgin. If he found out I wasn’t, he’d kick my ass out. I will never be like any of them.
It’s with that thought that a renewed sense of determination flows through me, I’ll no longer allow myself to hide away in my room and grieve alone. Cody wouldn’t want that and I owe it to my child to live for the both of us. I’ll make my baby proud of me. I’ll show them and everyone else that I can be more than a depressed girl stuck in a dark hole, who gets fucked by two guys every other night.
I vow to never allow anyone to make me feel like I do now. I’ll never allow anyone the power to break me like they did.
Katie
The day after she took Alexa to the cabin
Loss…
That one word can affect so many people in different ways. Some will use it and channel it into something useful, others will let it consume them and tear them down until they are nothing but a shell of who they once were.
Me?
I chose to sit in limbo of both those emotions. The moment they turned their backs on me and left me alone to deal with the loss of our child, I shut down. I just lost my best friend a couple of weeks ago and now I’m left alone to grieve the loss of our baby. It’s true what they say, you never know what you have until it’s gone.
They lulled me into a false sense of security, making me feel safe and loved. I didn’t want children, they were never in the cards for me but the moment those two pink lines appeared on the tests, that all changed. I had never wanted something so much in my whole life. The night I lost the baby everything changed, they left me alone and broken on the floor of my dorm room, they killed our baby.
Last night when Nate and I dropped Alexa off at the cabin, so she could go and win her man back, I debated on staying at the motel she booked for us knowing they would come for me but I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t allow myself to be fooled by their fake bullshit any longer, instead I choose me and my happiness because I can’t achieve those things while they are around me.
I’m not afraid to admit I chose the coward's way out. The things they said to me that night still linger in the back of my mind. How they could have accused me of such a thing is beyond me. I never gave them a single reason to doubt me or ever think that I would do something so despicable as what they accused me of! I thought they knew me better than that but I was so fucking wrong.
“What are you going to do?” Nathan asks me. I stop shoving everything into my suitcase and turn and face him. I feel so bad for dragging him into all of this mess, but even when I gave him an out, he refused to leave me.
“I have to go back to Tennessee. They don’t want me here. I need to get away for a while and heal. Being around them is just a reminder of what I lost.” It stings to admit that out loud, hating the vulnerability I hear in my own voice. Nathan softens as he closes the space between us and rests his hands on my shoulders.
“Baby girl, those two dumbasses have no idea that they have lost the best thing to ever happen to them.” A whoosh of air escapes me. Three days after I began to bleed and thought I had miscarried, Nathan had to rush me to the hospital because I fainted. While we were there I explained I had lost the baby and thought I had fainted from blood loss. After running some tests it turns out, I have a sub-chronic hematoma which means that bleeding is normal and I just need to be monitored throughout the pregnancy.
“I know,” I say firmly. “I don’t have a choice.” Tears cloud my vision but I force them back down, stupid hormones. “I need to get away from here, I just need to go home and regroup.”
“Are you sure you can do this?” My shoulders deflate as a whoosh of air escapes me.
“I don’t even know if I can go through with the adoption. You need the father to sign the papers to give away their rights, and let's be real, I don’t even know which one is the father and neither of them are speaking to me.”
‘How could someone like you be a good mom when you don’t even know who the father of your kid is?’I slam my eyes closed and push their hurtful words from my mind. I know you lash out when you’re angry, but their words are the reason why I’m choosing to place my baby up for adoption.
“Fuck them. I’ll be your baby daddy.” My eyes shoot wide. I pull back from his hold and stare up at him, waiting for the laughter to bubble out of him. It never comes.
“You’re serious?” He nods his head firmly.
“Damn fucking straight I am.” My bottom lip trembles.
