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“It isn’t like that. It isn’t that I don’t... Find you interesting. But this is a job I’m supposed to do before I go back to my life. Andthisis your life. I’m going to leave it.”
“So what would be the problem in indulging your desire?”
Again, the words were so seductive. So...
“Because, Riyaz, that isn’t how I’m wired. I don’t just have flings with men. If I did... Well, I had plenty of opportunity. But for me, desire can’t be separated from feelings.”
He looked smug. “So youareafraid, then, that you will fall in love with me.”
“I am not afraid of any such thing.”
No, what scared her the most was the way that she felt so drawn to him. So attracted, in spite of it being Cairo who theoretically held her heart.
She had to let go of Cairo. She truly did. When she had talked to him last night to give him an update, all she had been able to tell him was that he needed to keep Ariel away.
She hadn’t seen the other woman. She wondered how beautiful she was.
Why did it matter if she was beautiful? Riyaz had nothing to do with her.
Maybe she was just jealous because Cairo was off with another woman. Except that was basically a day ending in Y.
Cairo had any number of partners at any given time. None of them seemed to affect him emotionally. And because it didn’t affect him she wasn’t all that jealous, not really. Anyway, she had somewhat accepted that he would always be out of her reach. That she would always be pining, with absolutely no chance of ever being anything else.
But her feelings for him were still there. Though maybe they were just a shield. Something safe. Something that kept her separate from other people. From other men.
And her attraction to Riyaz... It just kept on growing. And the way that he wanted to talk about it, the way that he just openly acknowledged it...
“Do you know, I have been in love with your brother for sixteen years. And at no point have we ever discussed those feelings. Or my attraction to him. That just isn’t something people do. Because itisembarrassing, whether you understand it or not. You’re supposed to leave those kinds of things unspoken. Because they’re intimate. And out of respect for the other person’s feelings...”
“Why do you leave these things unspoken? So that you can sit and long with no hope of ever having your feelings returned? So that you can wonder? Is that it? Is it to live in a space of magic, where you can convince yourself that perhaps it could be real? Do you wish to have a story that you tell yourself? Is that it? And if you were to confess your feelings to him, he might sayno. And then your hope would die. You would have no more stories left to tell yourself.”
It was such an unflattering, bracing truth. And she didn’t like it. She also had to acknowledge that it was probably true.
“It’s the truth. For all of humanity,” she bit out.
“I had no choice but to live lives that were not mine,” he said. “I had no choice but to live lives that were stories. I have read about how incendiary the touch between two lovers can be. And if I’d had my choice, I would have made that touch real. Reading is magic, but it is not life. You have had all these opportunities, but you haven’t taken them. I can understand in some small part why you might wish to protect yourself from the truth, but the reality is, it does nothing for you. It does nothing for anyone. You might live, and let you save all that you desire for imagination. No. That I cannot understand.”
“You are about to take over the throne. To rule this country. And you’re worried about my... Honesty.”
“That I will rule Nazul is a fact. A reality of the birth order in my family, and my lineage. It is not an achievement. And yes, I must work to be... To be seen as fit to do these things. I understand that. But it does not inspire my passion. It does not intrigue me. My life has been about small details, and the small details have... Expanded. The possibilities.”
“Eat your waffles. Consider those an infinite sensual possibility.”
“I’m not certain that waffles can be called sensual.”
“Well, that’s because you didn’t eat them fresh. Believe me when I tell you, they are probably better than sex.”
She shouldn’t have said that. And she realized that when she felt the sharp, keen stare coming from him.
“And would you know that for certain?”
“What exactly are you asking me?”
“I think you know. Would you know for certain if the waffles were better than sex?”
“I have a very rich fantasy life,” she said.
“So you are a virgin.”
