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I clenched my hands tighter around the pouch. “I’m still sorry, though. Not just about Elisa but to you too.”
He shifted to look at me, his eyes a glitter of light against the darkness.
“I shouldn’t have asked you to help me. I definitely shouldn’t have tricked you into going to a room with me.” My nose flared and the warm scrape of tears tore down my throat. God, I couldn’t cry in front of this man. It would add to my already endless shame from my choices for the night. “I… I can take it from here.” I shifted towards the direction we’d come from, to where the road lay. “Sorry again and…”
Sai grabbed my arm. “Don’t go.”
I froze and stared at him despite not being able to make out most of his features. Some creature scuttled through leaves in the distance causing my heart to speed up. It had to be because of that. My body couldn’t be reacting to Sai’s fingers curled around my arm or the intensity of the way he’d spoken. That would be absurd.
“I’ve caused you enough trouble.”
“I’d feel better, Lira,”—I shivered at him speaking my name, and he moved closer, his burnt, sweet smell overtaking the damp, moldy scents of the forest—“if you’d let us see you safe to town tomorrow first.”
“Haven’t I burdened you already?”
He brushed a thumb over my arm right along the spot where Mother had placed her mark. The fabric of my dress wasn’t thick enough to dull the sensation of his rough scrape gliding along delicate flesh that no one ever touched. He dropped his hand, and his voice turned playful. “We cause our own trouble often enough. Let us see you through until tomorrow.”
I tightened my hand around the purse, and the coins clinked together. “If you’re sure it won’t cause you more issues.”
“It won’t.” He nodded to my pouch. “Check and make sure you have everything, and we’ll get some sleep.”
I hesitated; I didn’t understand why he wanted me to remain with them after he was so reluctant to help me a few hours earlier. His initial reaction had been the right one. Being caught up with me was dangerous. It had already burdened his group. The way he looked at me made me feel like he’d damn the problems and ask me to stay, regardless. Was it some effect of my magic? I’d rarely compelled people before. My family didn’t leave behind a trail of those who remembered our magic. We were careful.
Everything about my interactions with Sai felt the opposite of careful. It felt like unbinding my hair, standing on a cliff overlooking a typhoon coming in from the sea, and singing until my voice ran out. It felt like the breath between exhilaration and death.
The thrill of that drew me closer to him and stalled me from refusing. Just one night. That’s all it would be.
I unwound the leather straps around my purse and pulled the fabric back. It was difficult to make out the coins in the pouch, but shuffling through them, I knew none were missing. “It’s all here.”
Sai frowned as I tied the bag again. “Are you certain?”
“I am.”
“How will you survive?” There was that sharp note in his voice again. As if he wanted to protect me from the world. If only he knew how dangerous I was.
I tucked the bag under my skirt, secured it, and used the opportunity to break eye contact. “It’s enough for me to rent a room for a month or two. I’ll find work.”
Sai seemed to consider that, his broad shoulders looming against the light of the moon. “You have skills?”
“A few. I know how to sew.”
“Sew.” He said the word like I offered him tea and then discovered the pot was empty.
“It’s an honorable trade.”
“It’s a life of poverty.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “But a life of my choosing and I won’t have you judge me for it, even if you’ve helped me tonight.”
I lifted my chin, refusing to back down. He had no right to criticize me. He stole from the crowd earlier. I’d prefer to be a seamstress scraping by on my labor than a criminal robbing honest people of their fortunes. Besides, I needed little. A small room, some bread and tea, enough scraps to make soup, and perhaps I could save for the odd book. The memory of the stack of novels I’d left with my possessions stung.
It was only partially a lie. I preferred the finer things in life. After all, I’d grown up wearing silks and laces and fine shoes that shimmered in the sunshine. I’d had cream in my tea, stews thick with meat and fresh vegetables, and an endless array of books.
I would miss that lifestyle.
But I’d rather live a humble life of my efforts than an indulged one that came at the expense of others. I already had enough guilt on my soul. I couldn’t afford to add more.
Despite Sai making me feel like I could fall into his stare and drown in it, I wouldn’t allow him to judge my choices.
