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Shaan’s expression went flat. “I’m sure you’ve provided that. You’re a master manipulator.”
“I’ve told him nothing.” My voice shook, and I swallowed before speaking again. “I didn’t even let him touch your zevar. Every one of your secrets I’ve kept.”
Shaan gave another harsh laugh and frowned at me. “What do you want with Lira?”
I wasn’t sure how much to reveal. Politically this entire thing was a tangled web, but this was Shaan. I’d manipulated him once, and I never wanted to do it again. I’d give him every bit of truth I could offer. “She’s my sister.”
He jerked back so fast, his turban shifted. “What?”
“I didn’t know until this week, and as soon as I found out, I made my way here. She doesn’t even know yet, I don’t think. My father intends to get her back—by force if necessary. I hope to prevent fighting.”
Shaan sneered. “Let him try.”
“You know fairies under both of our courts will die if it comes to that.” A tremble entered my voice, but I didn’t break eye contact as I spoke again. “Beyond that, if Lira would come back, I could leave my father. There’s another being who holds the Seelie magic in their blood now. It doesn’t fall solely on me anymore.”
His eyes skimmed over me, hesitating at my lips before his gaze slid back up to my eyes. “I’m not following.”
“I could leave and be with you,”—my voice dropped to a whisper—“if that is something you would want.”
Shaan scoffed and stepped close enough to me I could smell the rich oils he wore. “You think I want to be with you?”
I’d lain awake for months imagining this moment and there was nothing I wouldn’t do, no amount of shame I wouldn’t endure or vulnerability I wouldn’t show if there was any chance of reconnecting with him. “I can’t say, but I haven’t made it through one hour since I left you without longing to be at your side. I’ve felt wretched for what I did.”
“You felt wretched, did you?” His eyes glittered and he curled his hands into fists. It was hard not to remember those fingers speckled in paint as they raked down my flesh. “How horrible that must have been.” His voice rose and echoed around the empty chamber. “Do you know how much it shamed me to have to come back here, look my mother and her court in the eyes, and explain to them not only that I’d lost my zevar, but in the manner I did so? Do you know the humiliation of that, Lennox?”
I bowed my head. “I imagine it was awful and if I could change my choices, I would undo it.” Being so close to him, I remembered the weight of his body against mine, his warmth bleeding into me, the way his laughter rumbled our chests together. I lifted my face again and blinked tears away. “I knew I couldn’t tell my father anything you’d said to me. And I loved you too much to betray you like that, so I…”
“Stole my family’s heart stone and my zevar that anchored my magic and held my true name. Fucked me over and shamed me.” His eyes were like flames that intended to burn me, and I couldn’t tear my gaze away from the heat of his anger.
A tear broke free, and I wiped it away with a knuckle. “You’re right. At the time, I didn’t think I had other options. I justified it, but you’re right. I fucked you over and I’ve hated myself every moment of every miserable day since the night I left you.”
Shaan stared at me, his expression impassive, but his shoulders rose in rapid breaths. “Are you not going to ask about your zevar? I assumed that’s what you were here for.”
“I already know where it’s at.”
His eyes tightened. “Do you?”
“I know where I kept yours.”
He scowled but stepped in even closer so that he could touch me if he wished to. I remembered a hundred times when we’d passed each other, and he’d reached out a hand to brush against the small of my back or grazed his knuckles against mine. There was a time when touching each other was the center both our universes swirled around. “Do you know, I almost believe this charade.”
“It’s not an act, Shaan. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done, but everything between us was real. I’m still in love with you. Just thinking of you makes me feel so sick I can’t eat or sleep or hardly breathe.”
“If that’s true, then I feel sorry for you.” He moved closer so that his mouth hovered near mine, and I longed to kiss him so much it hurt. “The morning you left me, the day you stole from me, I’d planned to tell you I was in love with you and that I couldn’t bear the idea of waking up not at your side, of not being able to run my fingers through your hair.” He paused and let that sit between us for a moment. “But do you know what I’ve realized in the last six months?”
I choked over a sob. “What?”
He moved close enough that his breath brushed against my skin and his voice dropped lower. “It turns out that I wake up without you just fine.”
The tears wouldn’t stay at bay any longer. I wept, and they rolled down my cheeks. Shaan moved away from me, the indifferent expression returning to his face. “The Maharani wishes to speak with you. She’ll be here in a few minutes.” He turned and strode towards the door.
“I told my father about us,” I got out past tears.
Shaan stopped walking, his fingers on the handle. He didn’t face me, but he didn’t leave.
“I told him the truth, that I was in love with you, and I’d used that connection to steal the zevar. I’ve probably given up my birthright over it.”
Shaan hesitated another moment, and his voice came hoarse when he spoke. “I’m sorry you’ve wasted your birthright so fruitlessly.”
