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Her scowl deepened, but she bobbed her head and continued down the hall. I shut the door and dropped to the ground. Shards of pottery were everywhere, scattered across the rug and sprinkled over furniture. Dents marred the wall, and I’d chipped a piece of molding off a window. The canvas lay broken and scarred, but still as unfinished as ever. The destruction didn’t appear romantic any longer. It looked like a reflection of my life since Lennox had come into it. A disastrous broken mess.
As I leaned down, the zevar cords slid forward, and I pulled them free, running my fingers over the gems.
I know where I kept yours,Lennox had said.
My nose flared as I rubbed my thumb over Lennox’s sapphire. It was cold to the touch and dull. It wanted him, not me. I traced my finger past his and over to my zevar which pulsed with light at my touch.
I want to feel everything, I’d said to Lennox as I removed it.I don’t want anything channeled away from this moment right now.
Tears came, stinging hot ones that burned my cheeks, and I dropped my head against the wood with a thunk. Goddess damn him for visiting here. I’d finally reached the point where I could show my face around the palace again without wishing to crawl into a hole to die of shame. I’d finally reached the point where I didn’t think of him with every breath.
I wiped my shoulder over my cheek. Watching tears stream down Lennox’s face and drip in dark splotches on his shirt about broke my resolve. Everything in me wanted to draw my arms around him, wipe the tears away with my thumbs, kiss his cheek and tell him that whatever it was, we’d face it together.
My body wouldn’t line up with my mind.
All it remembered was Lennox with his wide eyes, Lennox unsure the first time we’d made love, Lennox slowly peeling back his layers for me, Lennox laughing as his body tangled up with mine.
Had any of it been real?
Had anything he’d said to me today been authentic?
Perhaps it was all another grand show, more glamour and falsehoods.
Leaving him standing there, sobbing after he said he’d told his father about us ached through me. I’d once wondered if Lennox would ever willingly share his true self with his father. If he’d done so because of his feelings for me… I couldn’t form a thought of what that meant.
I dropped my face against my palms.
It didn’t matter. I’d let my heart lead with him the first time. While I may not like it, I was a prince to the Prasanna. I’d neglected my position previously and harmed our people in doing so. It didn’t matter if it felt like I’d left my heart in the throne room, if every bone in my body ached to run back down the halls, find Lennox, and choose to believe he told the truth.
I couldn’t do it.
I could never trust him again.
My body would have to catch up with my mind. Lennox had fucked me over once, and I would not be the fool who allowed it to happen a second time.
Another knock on the door vibrated against my shoulders and startled me.
Fuck.
I jumped up and wiped my eyes. Eye paint glistened on my fingers. Shit. Turning towards a mirror, I quickly wiped it off as best I could then answered. “Yes?”
“May I come in?”
With a sigh, I pulled the door back, and Ishir walked in. He surveyed the room as I clicked the latch in place. “I see you’ve heard Prince Lennox is here.”
Shame burned my neck as I watched him take in the room. “I spoke with him.”
“And?”
I dropped my forehead against the molding. “And what, Ishir?”
He picked a few pieces of pottery off a couch, stacked them, then dropped onto it. “How are you?”
“I’m…” I gestured around. “A fucking disaster, obviously.”
He nodded. “I’m sorry.”
I couldn’t go into this again. For months Ishir and Sai had hunted me down in the palace, tried to pull the story out of me, attempted to comfort me. I had deserved none of it. I was the fool who trusted a Seelie prince and had let every single defense down for him. And, worse, I hadn’t changed. I wanted desperately to do it again, to pull Lennox into my arms, and kiss him until my mouth tasted of him. Misery and desire twisted through me. So, no, I didn’t wish to discuss it. Lennox would be the regret of my life. I cleared my throat and thought of a topic that would take Ishir away from my personal life.
